Today marks 2 years since I walked into the Crossfit gym.  Time really does fly!  I went from being scared to death to stepping foot in the gym and inquiring to joining and still doing it!
While I still struggle with squats (me and that box and band just can't seem to part ways) and with jumping (I'm at least up to around 6 inches jumping on a 45lb and 25lb weight) I'm okay with it.  I've improved from 2 years ago.  I'm at least jumping on some weights instead of only stepping up on them and there was a time when I couldn't step up on them.  I have learned to accept my strengths and weaknesses and embrace them both.  Sometimes I go off by myself and work on something.  This gives me the time to focus on the movement and eventually I will conquer and accomplish my goal even if it takes me another 2 years. 
I still haven't accomplished my weight goal but I am more content with it in the past 5-6 months than I've ever been.  I have tried different nutrition plans from the Zone plan, Paleo, various online diets where some exclude carbs, to eating mostly protein, to HCG, to protein drinks.  Of course I've tried the Weight Watchers and Adkins and others that are popular before I started CrossFit. You name it, I've probably given it a try.  I've been stuck in a plateau for a year and a half.  I'm finally at a point I'm okay with it and know that at some point I will break through it but it probably won't be tomorrow.  It took me a long time to get to where I didn't get upset every time I stepped on a scale but I have finally arrived to a point of acceptance and just keep working at it!  I've learned a lot from listening to others and hearing what worked for them or those that have nutrition plans they offer.  I have learned not to give up and always listen to your inner voice no matter what someone else tells you.  Make the decision that works best for you, NOT someone else! 



A year ago I was working out about 9 times a week with 3 days going twice a day.  It was fun and I have no regrets.  But after 14 months of that routine I finally took a break and now average 4-5 times a week.  My body was getting tired and there were other things in my life that needed some more of my time so the transition was made to my workout schedule.  I may from time to time add more workouts to my schedule but for now I'm happy with my routine. 
As I enter into my 3rd year of CrossFit I know there will always be struggles but with those struggles always comes accomplishments.  I have goals for certain movements and lifts and while I may not achieve them in a certain time frame I will continue to improve!  And to me that's all that matters these days!  So bring on year 3 and I can't wait to see what I have accomplished this time next year! 

UGH!!!

I got out of my frustration and was on the right track.  That is until this week.  I just want to hear good job once in a while and not in a group setting.  I can't even remember the last time I was encouraged to try something new at the evening class.  It's always as if most of us get left out for those that are athletic or the trainer's favorites.  I was so annoyed by this the other night the other night I turned to someone and encouraged them to add weights.  I shouldn't have been the one doing that the trainer should have.  But it's like we get overlooked.  I called the trainer out that he is nicer to some.  Of course he would never see it that way. 


I went to the open gym time on Sunday and redid a WOD and came out feeling accomplished.  I didn't get a good job or even a "I wish you had done something else" comment from him.  Once in a while I want to hear I did good and mean it like he does to a select few.


And come correct me on what I'm doing wrong.  Don't wait until I'm done and show me how I should have done something because you're too busy talking. 


Today was not a good day for me.

DAMN ROLLER COASTER RIDE!!!

I need to find a way to get out of this funk.  I walk into the gym and just dread the warm up.  I can prepare for the WOD ahead of time but not knowing the warm up and then hearing that I have to do all those moves I can't do just sends me over the edge. 


I had no freaking idea how to do a squat jump this morning.  Never even heard of it before this morning.  I tried to think about it and figure it out in my head but trying to do it just confused me.  The coach has no clue no matter how many times I tell him what that does to me and then begins the frustration for me and him.  I shut down after that. 


I went in with the mindset to be focused and do what I could.  I stretched before the WOD and did some jump ropes to get my legs moving thinking I was doing all the right things.  Only to just let my mind get all clouded over all over again and shut down. 


We've had nothing but partner WOD's on Sat. lately and it's getting on my last nerve.  What happens when someone isn't there that's not around the same level as me?  It's not fair to pair me up with someone who is athletic and I'm not able to keep up with them.  I get scared that is going to happen and I feel a panic attack coming on when I think about it.  Asking to do the WOD on my own will
more than likely get me nowhere. 


I spent some time talking with someone after the WOD about how I'm feeling and now to know that some of the things I'm feeling is what 2 others are feeling makes me feel a little better.  We're just frustrated with lack of weight loss and the movements we are allowed to do.  We just want our coach to understand why we feel the way we do.  He doesn't have to agree with us but just have some compassion once in a while. 


I understand the coach prefers those who are athletic and can compete in competitions but he has people in the gym that aren't.  So why not help us to learn different things even if it is only 1 thing a month to work on.  We're watching new people come in and learn all the advanced stuff and told things they can work on.  What about those of us that have been there for a while? 


I'm so tired of seeing the goals on the board and they're only for the athletic people.  What about those of us that are years from achieving those goals.  I mentioned one time about having a different set of goals for those of us that will never see the goals he has listed but I got disregarded.  We work hard too.  I have no desire to do 100 burpees in 7 minutes because that goal isn't even achievable for me at this time.  So what is wrong with having a scaled version of goals???  At least give us a light at the end of the tunnel.  I made my own goals up and pretty much got ignored.  Why can't I work on 50 burpees in 7 minutes and then work from there and eventually work my way up to 100 burpees in 7 minutes?  If I could ever find something this coach can't do and show him how we feel it might help.  But he seems to be good at everything he does. 


I did figure out I'm still pissed off about being scaled a few weeks ago.  I want to do that WOD over where I was a given a PVC pipe and use a bar instead.  I don't think it was right that I had to use a PVC pipe and I know the coach doesn't care what I think about it.  I know I have to do what is told to me but I also believe I should have some input.  Other people whine about having to do stuff and he takes it in stride but when it comes to me I catch hell.  But how embarrassing that newbies got to use a bar and I had to use a PVC pipe!!!  I think on Monday morning I just need to go in and start working on overhead squats.  I'll probably get told to do something else but I can at least try.  I wonder if I were to do them on the bench where the partition comes in and use that as my guide not to fall backwards or just stack some boxes up and then put a smaller one in front of it and try it that way if that would work?   


I have to admit I've had a few drinks while writing this so I'll probably edit in the morning.  I don't hate my coach.  I hate myself for getting this frustrated.  It's just sometimes I feel like he doesn't push me to do what I can and more and then I get frustrated.  When he's pushing me to do more and do better is when I'm the best at trying to achieve my goals.  I know it's wrong but I feed off his mood and if he's not wanting to work with me then I don't want to work as hard.  I really do have good coaches.  I just need to get out of this funk I've been in this past month. 


I know I'm close to my breaking point as I feel it.  I'm just hoping when I get to that point I'm not in the gym.  I know how I am and this coach hates tears and those will come along with a lot of feelings.  I need to learn to keep all that in check and hidden away until I get in my car. 

Still Struggling

Still struggling with those feelings of not being good enough.  I was talking with someone after the WOD and we're both having some of the same feelings.  We watch others come in and get to do things immediately and we're still somewhere on the sidelines.  Almost like being kicked to the curb.  We come in and hear the talk of others making sure they do at least the amount of weights if not more than anyone else has done earlier in the day.  And we're just there to do the best we can do.  I get it that more athletic people are more fun to coach and newbies...well there is something special about being a newbie but then the newness wears off too eventually as it did with us.  So we've decided to just band together when it comes to wanting to do new things.  We're going to continue to support each other and cheer each other on and hope the coach sees our determination and let's us learn new things.  I don't think at this time I could inquire in a way that won't come across as whining and complaining.  It's not about griping!  It's just that we want the opportunity to try new things even if we don't succeed.  But we just want something to strive for. 

Venting...Need My Head in a Better Place

This has not been a good week.  A few days I felt like I had good WOD's but I just didn't feel accomplished for most of them.  I'm still struggling with this being scaled thing.  I can handle being scaled by one of the coaches but not any of the others.  For the most part the female coaches don't scale me a lot so that usually falls to the male coaches.  The one coach I can handle being scaled from does it in a way that's just between us and even if it's noticeable he's always encouraging and telling me how it will benefit me.  And he also encourages me along the way all the way to the finish. 


But when the other coach scales me I feel like he might as well post it on the whiteboard that I'm being scaled.  I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it.  I struggled so hard with a WOD this week.  I know I suck at overhead squats and can barely hold the bar up.  But I also feel like if I don't keep trying I'll never figure it out.  But to tell me to get a weighted PVC pipe and give the bar to someone else was hard.  I kept it together and even tried to disguise my feelings the rest of the evening.  Yeah, I got farther in the rounds than anyone else but there was no feeling of accomplishment.  I even hid my feelings when his wife text me saying he told her I did good.  I wanted to just scream thru that text NO I DIDN'T but tried to suck it up by saying thanks.  But as the days went on and the more I think about it I wish I hadn't shown up.  I would have rather used a bar and did less reps and not even getting thru the first round than do all that I did.  I felt cheated out of learning how to do something and eventually figuring it out.  This is what makes me never want to do lifts.  I know there were a lot of people there that night and we were running short on bars but I hate being singled out. 




I've decided that my personal beliefs don't need to be discussed at all.  I don't expect anyone else to believe as I do but I hate being asked by anyone why I believe a certain way.  I don't quote scripture, never have and never will.  While I don't understand why Christians don't know anything about Judaism since it was around long before Christianity and Christians converted from Judaism I don't mock them for not knowing their heritage.  You have to know where you came from before you can know where you're going.  I made a personal choice and have no regrets.  Just respect the fact this is how I choose to believe and eat.  I don't have anyone dictating to me what to eat and not eat it is a belief that I believe and feel in my heart is right for me. 




Sometimes I just want to give up and quit.  Then I remember I have goals and I'm doing this for me.  Not anyone else, not a coach or anyone in that gym.  I'm so tired of being belittled and taunted.  Yesterday, someone made a comment about an exercise and I immediately got blamed.  I'm not the only one that moans or gripes but I sure as hell get singled out and fussed at.  And at the point of going in for the WOD I almost got my stuff and left.  I am trying very hard to eat right and do the WOD's (even when scaled and hating it) and I get fussed at for not doing better.  Others come in and get greeted and asked how their day was and get sympathy and hugs and I get an eye roll of oh, you're here again.  And don't let me mention I had a bad day.  I get told well you're here so forget your day.  Most days I can handle the attitude but this week wasn't one of them.  I just keep reminding myself this is for me and nobody else.  So this next week I'm just going to go in the gym and keep to myself and not say anything.  Just do what I'm told and get the WOD done and leave.  I don't want to argue, debate or ruffle anyone's feathers.  I don't mind my coaches being tough on me to keep me motivated and pushing me to do more but I just want to know I'm not being scaled because I would get in the way of everyone else.  I want to get better at these exercises and I do understand it's more fun for the coaches to coach someone who is athletic and can do what's on the board.  I just want a chance to do the best that I can. 




Now, to try to get my head in a better place.  I don't hate my coaches.  I don't even dislike them.  I just wish they understood how hard it is for someone who isn't athletic to be in that gym and how it feels emotionally when being scaled.  I do like my coaches and as someone reminded me this week that we are a 2nd family and family pisses us off at times but at the end of the day we're there for each other. I do like my coaches and they are all very good with what they do. 

Still Learning

Having to learn that being scaled back on some things is okay but I'm NOT there yet.  I've never liked being scaled.  I never feel like I accomplished anything or challenged myself enough when scaled.  I always feel cheated.  I feel like I've let myself down.  My mindset is at a point of wanting to push myself beyond my limits and see how far I can go but it's obviously not the same view point my coach has for me.  I really wanted to see how far I could get on that time limit last night.  The coach did say once I got through with my scaled WOD I could run some more.  I don't think he thought I would but I did.  I wanted to see how far I could've gotten within that 15 minute time limit.  I finished at 12:57 and ran another 200 meters and finished in 15:08.  I don't think the coach was happy I did that extra 200.  And then when I said the time he wrote on the board was cheating me by 3 seconds he acted like it wasn't important enough to change the time.  DAMN!!!  He's always telling me to push myself and go for the best time I can get.  I wanted my 3 seconds!!!  He changed it but clearly not happy about doing so.  It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.  So do I continue to push myself and work hard or just sit back and do the minimum???  Just feeling a bit frustrated today.  Or do I continue to do the scaled versions and then on my own do it all???  Just don't have my head in a good place right now.  Hope that changes later in the day and I can somehow try to come around to my coach's way of thinking.  What I do know is I have to do what is told to me in the gym no matter how I feel. 

Determination...at it's Worst

I just don't know how to balance this whole losing weigh/getting healthy thing with being able to do these WOD's.  Twice in 1 week I was unable to complete a WOD.  The first time I asked for it.  I wanted to get all those jump ropes in.  The harder I tried it seemed my endurance got the best of me.  I had to quit 150 in to the first set of 300.  By the time I was done class should have been stopped 20 minutes prior.  I don't know why the coach didn't stop me  and he's never said.  My guess is he wanted me to see for myself what I asked for.  I bit off more than I could chew on that one.  Part of me regrets even trying and the other part of me is glad I could see for myself that I have a long ways to go.  But even with that being said I was still discouraged because I'm now afraid to even ask again about doing an entire WOD when I know it's going to be challenging. 


Then came the team WOD of partners yesterday.  I knew it was going to be brutal just from what was written on the board:

Run 1500 meters in intervals of 100 meters one team member at a time

Back Squat 10,000 lbs, one team member works at a time

Move 300lbs 400 meters. Use any weight you want; wallball, dumbbell, kettlebells, barbell, plates… all team members working at one time.

This was definitely one of those WOD's that scared me from the moment I saw it posted.  Not only do I hate team/partner WOD's because of how slow I am and someone relying on me but also looking at what was involved.  The run in itself was tiring.  While others were at least 2 rounds ahead of us we were still out there running. 

The back squats weren't really the big issue as we both can lift fairly well when it comes to back squats so we did 75lbs. 

But that moving 300lbs. 400 meters was the worst.  I still don't know if I quite understand how it was supposed to work but I still also think we were cut off.  I know we carried 75lbs 200 meters and then another 400 meters,  We then carried 122lbs 400 meters.  Until we were told we were done I hadn't really comprehended how long it was taking us.  I knew it was after 11:00 but I had no idea what time we actually started the WOD.  I had the best partner and we pushed each other but we were so tired and struggling during this part.  By the time we were doing the 400 meters we weren't able to make it more than 50 meters at a time without stopping.  On that last 400 meters we were only making it 25 meters at a time if that.  The weights were so heavy.  It may be wrong but that was when I was feeling like we were left out there alone to fend for ourselves.  While on one hand I understand that on the other hand I feel like the coach had nobody else left to coach as the others were done and it just would've been nice to have a little encouragement out there with us instead of everyone just socializing.  I get that it's good to socialize with everyone and it's more fun but we were struggling and it wasn't from lack of effort.  We were pushing to do what we could as fast as we could.  So by the time I did hear the coach hollering to get moving at the end I was kind of ticked off.  I had been told we had 200 meters to go and I was determined to get that 200 in but then we were told we were done.  Then I was really pissed.  People had places to be, hell I had some place to be and ended up being over an hour late.  While I don't like being scaled this is one that should have been for us as running is not either one of ours strong points.  I have no idea what our time was. 

I know I was wrong in snapping at my coach the way I did.  I just honestly don't know how to address it this time.  I just don't. 

I want so desperately to do what is written on the board and do it well.  But I struggle with trying to balance out what I can do and what I should do.  I'm tired of coming home in tears feeling like I let myself and others down but that's always been my down fall because when I get determined to do something I'm bad about not listening to others.  I want what I want and I want it now.  And then throw 2 WOD's in a week in there that I couldn't complete just makes me feel like I'll never be good enough.  I don't want to give up but I don't like this feeling either.  It feels like I'll never get to the next level.  Like staying on level 1 and never being able to make level 2 and having to sit back and be a cheerleader all of the time as I've always had to because I'm not capable and never will be.  I'm tired of being that cheerleader ALL of the time.  I just want to be able to achieve one of my goals and right now I don't see it happening.  Just one goal!