Tears and Mental Pain

Snatch 2 sets of 10 @65% - 45lbs.

Then…

3 Rounds for time of: 21:57

5 overhead squats (35lbs.)
5 power cleans (35lbs.)
50 steps weighted lunges

I don't know how I made it thru this WOD because I wanted to give up before I got started.  Getting a squat in with overheads is so hard for me.  I don't even know if I did those power clean right.  My brain was so fried by then I completely forgot how to do one. 

Those walking lunges got the best of me.  It is so hard for me to bend down and get back up much less even succeed at doing it without using my hands to brace myself.  I have no idea how to hold onto that PVC pipe and use it to go down and get back up.  I was so confused when I was brought it.  I know there has to be a reason and purpose but I just couldn't grasp what I was supposed to do. 

But the hardest part was barely beginning my 2nd round and everyone else was done.  That takes such a mental toll on me.  I feel so inadequate and like I shouldn't even be there at that point because I can't keep up within a reasonable time of everyone else.  I had tears in all that sweat then.  It's still so hard to still be working out and everyone else is cleaned up and ready to go.  I just want to go crawl in a corner in a ball and cry or better yet just run out and never come back.  I really do hate being so feakin' slow! 

I have to stay focused on my goals and what I want for my life in all this.  It's all those feeling as a kid I had when people wouldn't let me do things because I didn't know how and/or was too slow and people hated to wait on me that come flooding back.  After all these years and now being surrounded by people who tell me not to worry about it those feelings creep back in.  I wish they would stay hidden far away and never come back to haunt me. 

I don't want to give up and I have to dig deep down and find that inner strength again and keep fighting for what I want!  I'll get there somehow, some way!