This has not been a good week. A few days I felt like I had good WOD's but I just didn't feel accomplished for most of them. I'm still struggling with this being scaled thing. I can handle being scaled by one of the coaches but not any of the others. For the most part the female coaches don't scale me a lot so that usually falls to the male coaches. The one coach I can handle being scaled from does it in a way that's just between us and even if it's noticeable he's always encouraging and telling me how it will benefit me. And he also encourages me along the way all the way to the finish.
But when the other coach scales me I feel like he might as well post it on the whiteboard that I'm being scaled. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. I struggled so hard with a WOD this week. I know I suck at overhead squats and can barely hold the bar up. But I also feel like if I don't keep trying I'll never figure it out. But to tell me to get a weighted PVC pipe and give the bar to someone else was hard. I kept it together and even tried to disguise my feelings the rest of the evening. Yeah, I got farther in the rounds than anyone else but there was no feeling of accomplishment. I even hid my feelings when his wife text me saying he told her I did good. I wanted to just scream thru that text NO I DIDN'T but tried to suck it up by saying thanks. But as the days went on and the more I think about it I wish I hadn't shown up. I would have rather used a bar and did less reps and not even getting thru the first round than do all that I did. I felt cheated out of learning how to do something and eventually figuring it out. This is what makes me never want to do lifts. I know there were a lot of people there that night and we were running short on bars but I hate being singled out.
I've decided that my personal beliefs don't need to be discussed at all. I don't expect anyone else to believe as I do but I hate being asked by anyone why I believe a certain way. I don't quote scripture, never have and never will. While I don't understand why Christians don't know anything about Judaism since it was around long before Christianity and Christians converted from Judaism I don't mock them for not knowing their heritage. You have to know where you came from before you can know where you're going. I made a personal choice and have no regrets. Just respect the fact this is how I choose to believe and eat. I don't have anyone dictating to me what to eat and not eat it is a belief that I believe and feel in my heart is right for me.
Sometimes I just want to give up and quit. Then I remember I have goals and I'm doing this for me. Not anyone else, not a coach or anyone in that gym. I'm so tired of being belittled and taunted. Yesterday, someone made a comment about an exercise and I immediately got blamed. I'm not the only one that moans or gripes but I sure as hell get singled out and fussed at. And at the point of going in for the WOD I almost got my stuff and left. I am trying very hard to eat right and do the WOD's (even when scaled and hating it) and I get fussed at for not doing better. Others come in and get greeted and asked how their day was and get sympathy and hugs and I get an eye roll of oh, you're here again. And don't let me mention I had a bad day. I get told well you're here so forget your day. Most days I can handle the attitude but this week wasn't one of them. I just keep reminding myself this is for me and nobody else. So this next week I'm just going to go in the gym and keep to myself and not say anything. Just do what I'm told and get the WOD done and leave. I don't want to argue, debate or ruffle anyone's feathers. I don't mind my coaches being tough on me to keep me motivated and pushing me to do more but I just want to know I'm not being scaled because I would get in the way of everyone else. I want to get better at these exercises and I do understand it's more fun for the coaches to coach someone who is athletic and can do what's on the board. I just want a chance to do the best that I can.
Now, to try to get my head in a better place. I don't hate my coaches. I don't even dislike them. I just wish they understood how hard it is for someone who isn't athletic to be in that gym and how it feels emotionally when being scaled. I do like my coaches and as someone reminded me this week that we are a 2nd family and family pisses us off at times but at the end of the day we're there for each other. I do like my coaches and they are all very good with what they do.
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