Determination...at it's Worst

I just don't know how to balance this whole losing weigh/getting healthy thing with being able to do these WOD's.  Twice in 1 week I was unable to complete a WOD.  The first time I asked for it.  I wanted to get all those jump ropes in.  The harder I tried it seemed my endurance got the best of me.  I had to quit 150 in to the first set of 300.  By the time I was done class should have been stopped 20 minutes prior.  I don't know why the coach didn't stop me  and he's never said.  My guess is he wanted me to see for myself what I asked for.  I bit off more than I could chew on that one.  Part of me regrets even trying and the other part of me is glad I could see for myself that I have a long ways to go.  But even with that being said I was still discouraged because I'm now afraid to even ask again about doing an entire WOD when I know it's going to be challenging. 


Then came the team WOD of partners yesterday.  I knew it was going to be brutal just from what was written on the board:

Run 1500 meters in intervals of 100 meters one team member at a time

Back Squat 10,000 lbs, one team member works at a time

Move 300lbs 400 meters. Use any weight you want; wallball, dumbbell, kettlebells, barbell, plates… all team members working at one time.

This was definitely one of those WOD's that scared me from the moment I saw it posted.  Not only do I hate team/partner WOD's because of how slow I am and someone relying on me but also looking at what was involved.  The run in itself was tiring.  While others were at least 2 rounds ahead of us we were still out there running. 

The back squats weren't really the big issue as we both can lift fairly well when it comes to back squats so we did 75lbs. 

But that moving 300lbs. 400 meters was the worst.  I still don't know if I quite understand how it was supposed to work but I still also think we were cut off.  I know we carried 75lbs 200 meters and then another 400 meters,  We then carried 122lbs 400 meters.  Until we were told we were done I hadn't really comprehended how long it was taking us.  I knew it was after 11:00 but I had no idea what time we actually started the WOD.  I had the best partner and we pushed each other but we were so tired and struggling during this part.  By the time we were doing the 400 meters we weren't able to make it more than 50 meters at a time without stopping.  On that last 400 meters we were only making it 25 meters at a time if that.  The weights were so heavy.  It may be wrong but that was when I was feeling like we were left out there alone to fend for ourselves.  While on one hand I understand that on the other hand I feel like the coach had nobody else left to coach as the others were done and it just would've been nice to have a little encouragement out there with us instead of everyone just socializing.  I get that it's good to socialize with everyone and it's more fun but we were struggling and it wasn't from lack of effort.  We were pushing to do what we could as fast as we could.  So by the time I did hear the coach hollering to get moving at the end I was kind of ticked off.  I had been told we had 200 meters to go and I was determined to get that 200 in but then we were told we were done.  Then I was really pissed.  People had places to be, hell I had some place to be and ended up being over an hour late.  While I don't like being scaled this is one that should have been for us as running is not either one of ours strong points.  I have no idea what our time was. 

I know I was wrong in snapping at my coach the way I did.  I just honestly don't know how to address it this time.  I just don't. 

I want so desperately to do what is written on the board and do it well.  But I struggle with trying to balance out what I can do and what I should do.  I'm tired of coming home in tears feeling like I let myself and others down but that's always been my down fall because when I get determined to do something I'm bad about not listening to others.  I want what I want and I want it now.  And then throw 2 WOD's in a week in there that I couldn't complete just makes me feel like I'll never be good enough.  I don't want to give up but I don't like this feeling either.  It feels like I'll never get to the next level.  Like staying on level 1 and never being able to make level 2 and having to sit back and be a cheerleader all of the time as I've always had to because I'm not capable and never will be.  I'm tired of being that cheerleader ALL of the time.  I just want to be able to achieve one of my goals and right now I don't see it happening.  Just one goal!