Still Learning

Having to learn that being scaled back on some things is okay but I'm NOT there yet.  I've never liked being scaled.  I never feel like I accomplished anything or challenged myself enough when scaled.  I always feel cheated.  I feel like I've let myself down.  My mindset is at a point of wanting to push myself beyond my limits and see how far I can go but it's obviously not the same view point my coach has for me.  I really wanted to see how far I could get on that time limit last night.  The coach did say once I got through with my scaled WOD I could run some more.  I don't think he thought I would but I did.  I wanted to see how far I could've gotten within that 15 minute time limit.  I finished at 12:57 and ran another 200 meters and finished in 15:08.  I don't think the coach was happy I did that extra 200.  And then when I said the time he wrote on the board was cheating me by 3 seconds he acted like it wasn't important enough to change the time.  DAMN!!!  He's always telling me to push myself and go for the best time I can get.  I wanted my 3 seconds!!!  He changed it but clearly not happy about doing so.  It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.  So do I continue to push myself and work hard or just sit back and do the minimum???  Just feeling a bit frustrated today.  Or do I continue to do the scaled versions and then on my own do it all???  Just don't have my head in a good place right now.  Hope that changes later in the day and I can somehow try to come around to my coach's way of thinking.  What I do know is I have to do what is told to me in the gym no matter how I feel. 

Determination...at it's Worst

I just don't know how to balance this whole losing weigh/getting healthy thing with being able to do these WOD's.  Twice in 1 week I was unable to complete a WOD.  The first time I asked for it.  I wanted to get all those jump ropes in.  The harder I tried it seemed my endurance got the best of me.  I had to quit 150 in to the first set of 300.  By the time I was done class should have been stopped 20 minutes prior.  I don't know why the coach didn't stop me  and he's never said.  My guess is he wanted me to see for myself what I asked for.  I bit off more than I could chew on that one.  Part of me regrets even trying and the other part of me is glad I could see for myself that I have a long ways to go.  But even with that being said I was still discouraged because I'm now afraid to even ask again about doing an entire WOD when I know it's going to be challenging. 


Then came the team WOD of partners yesterday.  I knew it was going to be brutal just from what was written on the board:

Run 1500 meters in intervals of 100 meters one team member at a time

Back Squat 10,000 lbs, one team member works at a time

Move 300lbs 400 meters. Use any weight you want; wallball, dumbbell, kettlebells, barbell, plates… all team members working at one time.

This was definitely one of those WOD's that scared me from the moment I saw it posted.  Not only do I hate team/partner WOD's because of how slow I am and someone relying on me but also looking at what was involved.  The run in itself was tiring.  While others were at least 2 rounds ahead of us we were still out there running. 

The back squats weren't really the big issue as we both can lift fairly well when it comes to back squats so we did 75lbs. 

But that moving 300lbs. 400 meters was the worst.  I still don't know if I quite understand how it was supposed to work but I still also think we were cut off.  I know we carried 75lbs 200 meters and then another 400 meters,  We then carried 122lbs 400 meters.  Until we were told we were done I hadn't really comprehended how long it was taking us.  I knew it was after 11:00 but I had no idea what time we actually started the WOD.  I had the best partner and we pushed each other but we were so tired and struggling during this part.  By the time we were doing the 400 meters we weren't able to make it more than 50 meters at a time without stopping.  On that last 400 meters we were only making it 25 meters at a time if that.  The weights were so heavy.  It may be wrong but that was when I was feeling like we were left out there alone to fend for ourselves.  While on one hand I understand that on the other hand I feel like the coach had nobody else left to coach as the others were done and it just would've been nice to have a little encouragement out there with us instead of everyone just socializing.  I get that it's good to socialize with everyone and it's more fun but we were struggling and it wasn't from lack of effort.  We were pushing to do what we could as fast as we could.  So by the time I did hear the coach hollering to get moving at the end I was kind of ticked off.  I had been told we had 200 meters to go and I was determined to get that 200 in but then we were told we were done.  Then I was really pissed.  People had places to be, hell I had some place to be and ended up being over an hour late.  While I don't like being scaled this is one that should have been for us as running is not either one of ours strong points.  I have no idea what our time was. 

I know I was wrong in snapping at my coach the way I did.  I just honestly don't know how to address it this time.  I just don't. 

I want so desperately to do what is written on the board and do it well.  But I struggle with trying to balance out what I can do and what I should do.  I'm tired of coming home in tears feeling like I let myself and others down but that's always been my down fall because when I get determined to do something I'm bad about not listening to others.  I want what I want and I want it now.  And then throw 2 WOD's in a week in there that I couldn't complete just makes me feel like I'll never be good enough.  I don't want to give up but I don't like this feeling either.  It feels like I'll never get to the next level.  Like staying on level 1 and never being able to make level 2 and having to sit back and be a cheerleader all of the time as I've always had to because I'm not capable and never will be.  I'm tired of being that cheerleader ALL of the time.  I just want to be able to achieve one of my goals and right now I don't see it happening.  Just one goal! 

Rest Days

I have been struggling with this whole rest day thing.  I just don't understand it.  I've really tried to get mentally there with it but the more I think about it the more I see that if I don't work out the farther I get from my goals and reaching them.  I'm eating right and exercising but I just don't understand this plateau.  It's so easy for others to say it will happen, just give it time and if I have to hear trust the process one more time I might just scream. 


I don't ever wish on anybody that they need to lose weight but sometimes I wish coaches understood from that perspective and not from a perspective of having to lose 20 or 30 pounds but a significant amount of weight.  Trying to lose 157lbs. is a tough battle.  I knew it wouldn't be easy but dammit I'm tired of hitting those walls and not seeing any changes.  I hate this whole battle.  I'm on a mission and have goals and work hard towards them but nothing seems to happen on that scale.  UGH!!! 

Doing The Right Thing

I've been going nonstop for the almost 2 months working out 6 days a week and for 3 of them twice a day.  On top of that I've been making sure I exercise on Sundays by walking or running.  So basically, 7 days a week.  I got to a point about a week or so ago I started feeling tired but kept saying keep moving because I can't stop if I'm going to make my goals.  But as the past week or so has gone on I could tell my body was slowing down.  The other night I came home from a workout and just started crying for no reason because I was tired from the workout.  We had done a HERO WOD the day before and I was feeling good but then that next day I didn't think I would make it through the WOD.  But I did.  Then when I went home I fell apart.  I can't blame it all on the WOD's because my job is extremely stressful right now.  So, I decided to talk to the trainer who was coaching Friday night about taking a day off because he always seems to be on the same page as the head coach.  I told him how I was feeling and he gave me some good advice and assured me there was no problem in my taking a day off. 


Just as I thought all that was solved and had messaged the head coach and found out he was in agreement and threw some conversations back at me that we had a while back about him telling me to take a day off I was okay with my decision.  Then he goes and posts the WOD for today.  He posts the one WOD I had told a few of my CF friends I wanted to do.  That pissed me off.  I know he had no way of knowing but darn it why did he have to do that.  So there went the back and forth of I want to do this and I really need to learn to take the advice given. 


So, after a restless night I have decided to take the day of rest and suck it up.  I'm still pissed because I miss the energy and the enthusiasm that comes with these HERO WOD's.  There's just something about them that gets several of us motivated and what looks like an hour of hell turns out to be an hour of fun.  These are just not the WOD's you want to do by yourself.  Hard to explain but it is. 


DAMN IT!!!  I hate doing what is right.  And I hate even more this coach is right!!!

As Year 1 Comes to a Close...Goals and Achievements

I was going to wait and post this a few weeks but sometimes I think it's better to celebrate an anniversary all month instead of all day.  This is my Journey into CrossFit! 


February 22nd will be 1 year that I walked into the Crossfit gym.  I can't believe a year has gone by.  Months before I had been talking with someone online about Crossfit and she encouraged me to find a box and try it out.  When I discovered a box had opened 5 minutes from my house I was both excited and scared to death.  I emailed and then stopped by one night and literally stuck my head in the door long enough to meet the owner/coach and gone in less than 5 minutes.  Then on their FB page it said there was going to be an Open House.  Again, my friend Gretchen was encouraging me from Seattle to just go try it out.  So, on Feb. 22, 2013 I walked in scared out of my mind. 


I met a few folks and then came the start of a class.  The warm up of all things was jumping jacks.  Now, those sound easy for everyone else but for me I didn't have a clue and my hands and feet were not cooperating (they still don't a year later).  I wanted to walk out at that moment but I stuck with it.  I remember doing air squats and being given a box for my target for my butt to get some depth.  Me and that box have tried to end our friendship amicably but we seem to be stuck together for life as it just won't go away permanently.  Then there was the big box climb.  Nobody knew anything about me especially at that time and unbeknownst to them they were getting ready to find out my fear of heights.  I still don't know how to this day a complete stranger got me to climb up on that box.  But I saw how determined this coach was and he didn't back down when I told him NO he said YES!  That battle went on for a minute or two and I found myself standing on top of that box scared out of my mind.  I don't even remember if I did a jumping pull up or if the coach finally said it was time to let me down because by then everyone was staring at me probably not sure what was going to happen next.  After that I have no memory of anything else that happened at that open house. 



After I recovered from the open house I emailed asking if I could join now that the coach knew how unathletic and out of shape I am and seeing for himself I was going to be a challenge and he said YES!  I came back and joined the following week on March 1st. 




Joining came commitment which meant get myself to classes on time.  I started out 3 days a week for the first month to make sure I was going to like it.  Joining also meant sharing my goals which meant the weight loss struggle I have been on for 30 years.  I had never shared my goals with anyone not even my closest friends.  Here I was sitting down with the same person that made me stand on top of a box and now standing on a scale.  That was the moment I knew I was going to make a change in my life and get healthy and lose this weight.  I won't lie that was hard.  All I could hear in my head was all the overweight jokes and teasing but when I got off that scale I heard none of that from this coach.  Instead I heard how I could change things by my nutrition and exercise and how he and the other coaches were going to help me.  I wanted to cry at that moment but happy tears not sad ones.  For the first time I had hope I could do this.



So the journey began... The first 6 months were hard as far as workouts.  I even endured my first 5K a month into joining.  I don't think anyone really knew how slow I am even though they encouraged me to do this.  It took me over an hour to complete this 5K.  I had a 2 car police escort the entire way as I was last.  I wanted to go home several times as this 5K took me right by my subdivision.  But one of the cops kept talking to me and encouraging me and told me she wasn't going to let me give up.  She stayed with me the entire way.  I am so thankful for her being there because if not I would've gone home and called a friend and said come get me and take me to my car.  As far as I knew everyone would be packed up and gone so it wouldn't matter.  I finally made the halfway point.  I got about 3/4 of the way and to my surprise here came 1 of the coaches with some of her friends and another friend of mine who had ran the race.  With all of them they kept me going.  I'll never forget that moment.  I made it through the finish line with everyone and my police escort.  I DID IT!!! 




The first 6 months the weight came off fairly easily.  The last 6 months have been the hardest yet.  I hit a plateau with my weight and stopped losing.  I wasn't eating right so I started to work on that.  I was still drinking whole milk and almost 3 gallons a week.  I was also eating too many cheat meals.  I was never good at eating a lot of meat for protein and this has been my biggest struggle.  So hear came all the meltdowns of:
I can't do this!
I want to quit!
This is too hard!
This isn't worth it! 
I don't think I missed out on any complaining and whining.  And as tired as my friends got of hearing it they still put up with me and encouraged me to continue.  My weight loss isn't where I had hoped it would be at this time.  I thought I would be over halfway to my goal by now.  But when you go in with the goal of losing 157lbs. that's a huge goal to achieve and it won't happen overnight.  I'm not even halfway to my goal and I've had to revamp some of my goals but I hope to be by my birthday if not sooner.  Not meeting the goals I had set for myself by the end of the year was difficult.  I felt like I let myself down and that was hard to handle.  But I know as long as I keep working towards my goal I will achieve it.


I am almost always the last to finish because I am slow but everyone still encourages me.  I can handle being last to finish but I still struggle with finishing 10+ minutes after everyone is done, especially with warm ups as I feel like I'm holding up class time.  I'm working on getting faster and better but even I know that is going to be a long journey and I have to suck it up at those times but it is easier said than done.  I'm working on it. 


So here came the end of the year and I knew I needed to make some decisions.  It was either accept that this was it and quit or work harder and achieve my goals.  I chose to work harder and achieve my goals and that's what I'm doing!  My advice to anyone wanting to achieve a goal no matter what it is... Just go out and and work hard for it.  Know there are going to be struggles but if you surround yourself with the right folks that help you stay positive and encourage you and you do the same for them anything is achievable! 


What I do know after a year is I will achieve my goals but not in the time frame I had wanted.  But instead in the time frame that is meant for me.  I know I will still have struggles and I will hit walls but I also know my determination is there and stronger than ever before.  I will continue to tweak through my regiment of workouts and nutrition and fine tune what works and discard what doesn't.  What I won't do is give up.  I spent 30 years giving up after starting something but this time I've made it a year and I'm not stopping! 




So to all the folks that have watched my journey and helped me along I say THANK YOU!!!  Looking forward to see what this next year brings! 


I have the best coaches!!! 


Gretchen, you may not be one of my coaches at my box but you are such an inspiration to me from across the country.  Without you encouraging me to walk through those doors last year I wouldn't know I could do this. And you still encourage me.  I hope one day we get to meet and do a WOD together.  That is one of my goals! 


Jessica, who now fills in from time to time I'll never forget you coming back for me at that 5K - means the world to me! 


Emily, I love seeing you on Thurs. I really do!  You always have encouraging words to say! 


Jeremiah - everybody loves Jeremiah as we say!  Love your laid back attitude!  I'll never forget having to do 83 burpees 3 or 4 months into this journey and you stuck by me the entire way encouraging me and you still continue to never let me give up even when struggling.  And then you posted a picture of where my forehead hit the ground all 83 times ;-) 


Michelle - you are so patient and encouraging and always making sure we have our form correct.  And I love how you take measurements ;-) 


And last but not least Jim, you put up with so much more from me than anyone else.  You don't let me give in to my whining, complaining, fears or self pity and never afraid to be honest and just tell me like it is.  As much as I don't like hearing the truth it does make me stronger.  I'm also learning messaging Michelle is just like messaging you - LOL!  And you 2 have the best kids!  Which means I have the best running buddies anyone can have! 

Tears and Mental Pain

Snatch 2 sets of 10 @65% - 45lbs.

Then…

3 Rounds for time of: 21:57

5 overhead squats (35lbs.)
5 power cleans (35lbs.)
50 steps weighted lunges

I don't know how I made it thru this WOD because I wanted to give up before I got started.  Getting a squat in with overheads is so hard for me.  I don't even know if I did those power clean right.  My brain was so fried by then I completely forgot how to do one. 

Those walking lunges got the best of me.  It is so hard for me to bend down and get back up much less even succeed at doing it without using my hands to brace myself.  I have no idea how to hold onto that PVC pipe and use it to go down and get back up.  I was so confused when I was brought it.  I know there has to be a reason and purpose but I just couldn't grasp what I was supposed to do. 

But the hardest part was barely beginning my 2nd round and everyone else was done.  That takes such a mental toll on me.  I feel so inadequate and like I shouldn't even be there at that point because I can't keep up within a reasonable time of everyone else.  I had tears in all that sweat then.  It's still so hard to still be working out and everyone else is cleaned up and ready to go.  I just want to go crawl in a corner in a ball and cry or better yet just run out and never come back.  I really do hate being so feakin' slow! 

I have to stay focused on my goals and what I want for my life in all this.  It's all those feeling as a kid I had when people wouldn't let me do things because I didn't know how and/or was too slow and people hated to wait on me that come flooding back.  After all these years and now being surrounded by people who tell me not to worry about it those feelings creep back in.  I wish they would stay hidden far away and never come back to haunt me. 

I don't want to give up and I have to dig deep down and find that inner strength again and keep fighting for what I want!  I'll get there somehow, some way!

Snapping

Took a little break from writing over here.  It's been a rough several weeks for me emotionally and I think it all came to a head last night for me emotionally.  Working out twice a day is helping me immensely in some ways but in other ways I'm struggling.  I love getting into the gym and working out and the motivation I feel from others is great.  But then when I go back for the second workout I feel a disconnect.  I've started to feel lost and like I'm not really there with everyone and I miss that feeling of how we all encourage each other.  I know I have to do things on my own and in my lifetime I have learned to do that.  But I feel like I don't get to share in everyone else's accomplishments as well.  I feel like I've put myself in time out and last night all those emotions came over me all at once.  And no matter how much I tried to shove those emotions back they came out and I snapped.  I feel so guilty for snapping on my coach.  It's not his fault because he is trying to help me.  My snapping had nothing to do with him and I knew that and yet I still took it out on him.  I need to work this out and learn to put everyone else out of my mind and just focus on my goals.  I hate snapping on anyone especially someone who's gone out of his way to help me.