No modifications ;-)

It was a brutal WOD again!  First time I've done an 800 meter run at once and my WOD wasn't even modified. 

The wall balls were tough yet again but I think I might have done a little better than yesterday with them.  I just have to continue to work on the squats.  That is my goal for the month of May.  I will master those evil things once and for all! 

I have to gain my confidence back with the box jumps.  I have to work my way up from that one weight.  I sucked at them tonight and didn't push myself hard enough with them and slacked off.  Only one I'm hurting is myself when I do that. 

Now, those jump ropes from hell are a just a plain evil nightmare!  Wonder if I took my shoes off and tried it if that would help.  I got so frustrated and so mad at myself when trying to do them.  I remember after the first round I just threw the jump rope down.  Maybe I should buy a supply of jump ropes because as frustrated as I get at them I'm liable to break a few. 

And those 2 runs of 800 meters, one at the beginning and one at the end were killer.  I have to say I belong to an amazing group of Crossfitters.  It is always so good to see Sabrina come to the WOD.  She is amazing and so encouraging.  She even came and ran the last  600 meters with me of the last run.  And that was after doing her entire WOD.  Everyone I've gotten to know is encouraging and several have come along to be beside me with the last part of my runs. 

Now, if I could just get the coaches to quit comparing times, at least for me.  I just don't like being compared to or told to keep up with someone else's time.  Jeremiah did the same thing tonight that Jim did last night.  I started to say something and just retracted what I said.  I just want to keep up with myself and continue to improve and get healthy.  I know they just want me to push harder and try harder and I have to remember that. 

Still learning!

What was I thinking???  I have learned that eating Mexican for lunch and going to a workout that evening does NOT work.  I am surprised I got thru that one.  I won't be doing that anymore! 

I hate burpees!  I know they work all of your body and are good for you but they are so freakin' hard!  I just wanted to hug the floor and stay there! 

Now those wall balls... That ball may have only weighed 10lbs. but it might as well have weighed 100lbs.  That ball gets heavier everytime you have to throw it.  Now, I have to say when I was told to make sure I kept the ball up high (instead of letting it drop down to my knees) I figured that was when "the girls" could help out.  I wanted to say "the girls" are keeping that ball up high!  After all, let them be of use and help hold that ball up - LOL! 

I still hate squats!  I have got to go back to working on those at home.  I have to get better at them!

I think the one thing I wasn't really thrilled about tonight was being told I needed to beat someone else's time.  I made the comment I'm not in competition with anyone else but me.  I just don't like having to try to compete against anyone else and their time. It just makes me uncomfortable.  I believe it's only said to make me try to work harder and faster and to do my best.  And I need to rephrase it in my head like that when it is said to me and not let it get to me.  I've just never been good at competition.  Another one of those stupid mental hang ups I have and really need to get over it! 

100 meters

Not sure where my confidence went in the box jumps today but it left me.  I really hate ring dips.  They are harder than jumping pull ups.  My arms are killing me. 

Then there is that dreaded run... well not so dreaded anymore.  I actually look forward to it now.  I've made it to 100 meters without stopping, just 1,500 more to go to get to a mile. 

Now, those squats are killing me especially with this pulled muscle in my right leg.  Once it's loosened up it's fine but if I get stationery for any length of time it stiffens up.  Must go get one of those rolling things and use it.  It hurt like hell when I tried it out but if I do that for a few minutes 2-3 times a day maybe it will help it heal quicker. 

So, we started the weigh in for the month.  I really do hate them!  I just don't like looking at the numbers.  One day they are up and the next they are down.    But I am told I have lost 8.5% body fat.  I'm still comprehending that number in my head.  He told me something about it equates to 30lbs. of fat loss.  I've still only lost 20lbs. according to the scale but I think it was explained to me that I'm building muscle.  So, I'm wondering if I've gained 10lbs. in muscle.  Well, that's the best I can explain it - LOL!  At some point I'll figure it all out.  Really, not that important to me as long as the bad numbers keep coming down and I continue to get healthy and in shape.  That is my ultimate goal.   All I know is I'm slowly getting my numbers down. 

Feeling a Little Accomplished...

Today's workout worked me yet again!  But that's the way it always should be. 

The muscle ups are hard because they make me hang to the ground from the rings.  I just have a fear that bolted bar is going to come down.  And I know it's not going anywhere. 

I did do dips and that was interesting because he made me do them with bands under my knees.  That was different and took a minute to get used to but I think I actually like doing them that way because I felt like I was using my arms more having my feet off the ground.  Although, it was funny when the bands came out from under me.  I really didn't intend for it to do that ;-)

Those power snatches and basically anything that involves weight lifting is such a struggle for me still.  I have to learn to shrug my shoulders and I need to add that to the list of things to work on.  And I really have to work on my speed.  But again, that PVC pipe showed up in front of me.  And I kept that inner voice quiet even though it was tempting to let it out - LOL! 

I think the most proud I am is with the box jumps.  Even though, I'm only jumping onto a 4 inch weight it's still high for me.  But I managed to get probably 6 or 7 done right.  Which for me is great because the first time I did them I didn't get any done correctly.  The last time I did them I think I got 1 done correctly.  It was a good feeling to get more done correctly.  I'll eventually work my way up and gain the confidence I need to do them all correctly. 

Now for those squats... those are 1st on my list to get correct.  They are just the hardest things in the world to me it seems.  But I am determined NOT to hear SQUAT LOWER at some point. 

Just a Little Insanity

I think I must have hit an all new insanity level.  I got my knee and thigh looked at by the chiropractor and to my amazement it started feeling better in no time.  Still has a little bit to go but it will work itself out.  Something about the muscle building and the tendons (or maybe it was ligaments) aren't building at the same speed and need to catch up.  In a nutshell, just plain old tendonitis.  Which means to me, use the knee and keep moving.  It really does feel better the more it moves.  But, I can already feel a difference with just sitting on the sofa.  Whereas, the past week and a half it would be extremely painful and tonight I feel minimal pain. 

The workout was from hell!  I thought I would never see the final round show up.  I don't think the coach was too sure about my doing this workout but I think my stubbornness is starting to show.  A part of me wanted to back out but I don't want to give in to my pain.  While I always feel guilty about being the only one there I was glad to have 2 others doing stuff in the gym also. 

I know one thing, I must learn to squat lower.  I know at some point that box will be taken away and replaced with a medicine ball and there won't be a thing I can do about it.  So if I think I'm tired of hearing squat lower now it's only going to get worse until I get better.  I know what I'll be working on this weekend ;-)

Reality check!

I really don't like the row machine.  I just hate rowing!  And those 2,000 meters seemed like they would never get there.  I know it works many muscles and is good for you.  And it doesn't help that I always seem to come out of my shoes for some reason - LOL!  Oh well, I'll still continue to do it when I have to.   

To my surprise I felt like my coach was lightening up on me tonight.  He still pushed me to do better but I'm not so sure if he was showing a sympathetic side to himself.  Well, don't tell him that ;-)

I'm finally realizing and accepting that I just can't keep up with everyone else.  I'm not happy about it but it is reality.  But I am determined to continue to improve and do better.  I really do want to get to a point where all the exercises aren't cut for me.  I do understand why (even though it has taken me a long time to finally come to this realization) my exercises are cut.  I've just been kicking and digging my heels in about it.  Reality sucks but I can't live in a fantasy world! 

I think I'm doing okay on the nutrition.  I think I've missed a few carbs here and there but I'm definitely getting my protein.  Going to try a new flavor of the protein shake.  Went with vanilla.  I guess I could put any fruit with it.  I'm just getting a little burned out on the strawberry. 

To my surprise I haven't had coffee in almost 2 weeks and I haven't missed it as much as I thought it would.  I think I'm just going to make coffee my weekend treat when I have time to actually make a real breakfast.  I just don't have time during the week.  Lunch is pretty easy to eat right.  Dinner is harder though when I go workout.  I'm just not hungry when I get home but I need to eat so I make myself eat right.  I'm probably the worst at snacks.  I get them in most of the time but admittedly have missed one here and there. 

So I'll just keep moving forward and keep trying.  Most important thing to me though is to continue to improve on my exercises and continue on my path to getting healthy and in shape.  What started out as strictly wanting to lose weight is no longer.  I want my healthy lifestyle.  I want to be able to do all those things on my list and more that haven't even made it to my list. 

I'm excited to see what the next month brings because this past 7 weeks has been a roller coaster ride but I proved something to myself and that is I can and will stick with this and accomplish my goal.  And even once I do accomplish my goal I'm not going to stop.  I want to keep it up.  I don't want to quit!  I have a great group of people around me.  These are strong, confident people and they give off great energy.  Everyone should be around people like this.

So Tough!

I went into tonight's WOD scared out of my mind and basically dragging me heels but the folks I talk to at work said GO!  See, I really don't like team efforts so to speak.  Support and encouragement is great but having to do my workout with someone else is more than intimidating because I'm not on the same level as others.  I don't ever want to hold someone else back and that's what I feel like I would do.  Luckily, there were only 3 of us and we got to do them on our own instead of like the earlier class who had to pair up. 

So there I was scared out of my mind once again.  But I said just suck it up and do what I can. 

A few new things were encountered. 

The push ups are really working my arms.  I guess I'm doing those right as I don't hear anything from the trainers.  I hope that's a good thing. 

I tried to do a new version of the pull up by swinging but that didn't happen.  I think once I work the tightness out of my knee though I want to try that again.  I think I'm getting better at standing on that box for pull ups and not hesitating as much.  Not sure, but it seemed like it to me.  Just hate heights but really trying to overcome that one. 

Then there was the box jumps yet again which my version is jumping onto a weight that may be at the most 2 inches high if that.  I think I might have succeeded once. 

I don't know if I worked my way up on the kettle ball but I used the 26lb.  It worked me and I was glad I got what seemed heavier than before. 

Sit ups aren't too bad.  But they sure as heck work you. 

Then there was the long jump to jump as far as I could.  I didn't jump far but I jumped farther than I ever have I think.  But the more I did it the more I felt some confidence coming to me.  I think I need to practice these and get the confidence to start jumping onto the weights. 

Then there were the good mornings but for the first time I used a weight.  I really need to have my hair on top of my head instead of a pony tail for this one.  Holding a 25lb. weight on the top part of back to my neck gets extremely heavy.  It was kind of funny trying to figure out how to get it off my back too. 

Then there were the air squats.  Jessica doesn't let me use a box whereas Jim does.  I see both of their points on this. 

Not so sure about those mountain climbs but I was so tired by then I have no idea how I did. 

But those freakin' jump ropes are on the list of some of the worst.  I used to be able to jump rope as a kid but these wiry things they use these days are just the worst things in the world for someone like me.  Honestly, I don't know if I made it to 50 I just know I was counting but to be truthful I probably did about 40.  Between the humiliation and embarrassment of not being able to do them I really don't know what numbers I was counting.  I was so overcome with emotion and negative energy at that point I just lost track. 

But I think I ended it on a positive note and had to run 200 meters and I actually jogged an entire 100 meters which for me hasn't been done before.  I've been pushing myself to jog farther and farther and not stopping and to make it to 100 meters made me feel like I accomplished something. 

Yes, I'm glad I went!  Am tired of the emotional roller coaster though.  I just want to be able to do the freakin' exercises. 

On another note I think my eyes were really opened tonight having 2 coaches in the room.  While 1  was the one doing the workout I somehow saw how similar and different they both are at coaching.  I knew this but to see them in the same room together just made me really see it.  Whereas 1 coach is tougher, the other one pushes too.  I don't know why I haven't seen it like this before.  I'm really glad they're so different and similar as it just seemed to give me a feel of balance with the two.  Yesterday, when 1 coach was trying to teach me squat cleans I told him he had the PVC pipe too close to me and he told me very directly he did not.  I wanted to say well "the girls" are also in my way.  I'll have to admit my coworkers laughed about it.  And we all know me well enough to know that I will slip and my inner voice will speak out loud sometime when I least expect it to.  I just hope those around just laugh.  But after 4 years of working with some folks it's easier to say some things that you can't to those you just met barely 2 months ago. 

And it was nice to have 1 of the coaches come run the 200 meters with me.  I will keep trying and I will keep pushing.  I'm not giving up and I sure hope my coaches don't give up on me either.  And she made me remember my saying: 

I am my own worst enemy but I also need to be own best friend!!!

Work Harder!

Tonight's workout was hard!  My arms are so sore!  I was determined to put all my energy into it.  Sometimes I wonder if I put too much thought into an exercise instead of just doing it and see how I do.   

I was asked if it was horrible after I completed the WOD.  I said NO but it was hard.  Then the response from the coach was he wasn't pushing me hard enough.  HMMM... not real sure what to think of that statement.  He was pushing me but it does seem he's lightened up some lately.  Maybe it's my imagination. 

I do know I really want to learn to do the weight lifting workouts.  But I also know I have to work harder on those squats because I really suck at those.  My personal goal is to come home each night whether I've worked out or not and do at least 100 of them.  I have a stool I can use to make sure I go low enough and I'm going to work harder at doing them and instead of sitting down on the stool just touch it and come back up.  I'm going to learn to dig my heels in and keep my body straight and not lean over.  I'm going to get the hang of this.  I am going to do it.  And I will eventually not hear "squat lower".  While that will be a great satisfaction just getting these right will be the best reward to myself. 

What I do know is I'm just going to keep pushing myself harder whether he or the other trainers push me.  I have to rely on myself.  It does help to have someone pushing me to work harder but ultimately it's up to me. 

I AM GOING TO DO THIS!!!  There is no other option.

Time to Refocus

Today I went shopping and bought nothing for me.  I thought I might to celebrate the weight loss I have accomplished but nothing appealed to me.  Even though I know the number on the scale reads I lost about 20lbs. I just didn't feel it today.  When I looked in the mirror after getting ready I felt like all that weight was still there.  I guess it would help if I liked to shop for clothes too.  So maybe when the next 20lbs. comes off I'll feel more like shopping then. 

I also spent time chatting with a friend about all the ups and downs of getting in shape and losing this weight and the fears I face.  Trying to overcome these fears such as heights and jumping isn't easy for me.  I wonder if the coaches really have the patience to help me work through them or do they just get frustrated and not want to deal with me. 

I have to get myself through these fears and just take these chances and do the exercises and say screw the fear!  It's not doing me any good to hang on to them.  Why the hell can't I jump a freaking 4 inches?  Why does my brain send me down memory lane to my childhood and all those things I wasn't able to do?  This is not who I am.  I am a confident person in all other aspects of my life.  I can handle my own situations that arise.  Why can't I handle these?  DAMN IT!!!  I need to break that wall done. 

I have to find a way!  I will find a way!  These fears are going to be gone!  They're not worth keeping around.  They're hindering me and clouding my head when I need to focus on positive things. 

So when my head gets clouded and I need it cleared I turn to my prayers and I need to regroup and refocus. 

My meditation (adapted from The Book of Jewish Sacred Practices) is:

Each extra step,
Each lap around the track,
Each lift of the weights,
Each stretch of muscles long out of use... in each bead of sweat and panting breath I praise You
b'khol atzmotai (with all my bones)
for allowing my body to affirm life.
Teach me discipline, encourage me to take good care of the body You have given me.

Along with this there are a few blessings I read:

Elohai neshamah she'natata bi t'horah hi
My G-d, the spirit You have given me is pure.

Barukh atah ahser bara et ha'adam b'chokhmah
Blessed are You who has created the human body in wisdom.

Barukh atah ozer Yisrael bigvurah
Blessed are You who girds me with strength.

Braukh atah she'asah li kol tzorki
Blessed are You who has provided for all my needs.

Barukh atah ha'notein la'ya'eif ko'ach
Blessed are You who restores me.

So one of the interpretations of these prayers is:

Not as much the synagogue (or any place of worship of any faith) perhaps, the gym is also a place for the pursuit of the holy.  G-d has given us bodies to keep and use, and the good that our bodies can do will be brought about only if we work to keep them healthy.  Thus it is our responsibility, to the extent possible, to stay in shape.  Saying a brakah before working out would be fully appropriate. 

So before my workouts I really need to remember to go into my meditative state and say my prayers because I know when I do I am more focused and in tune to what I need to do.  For me, it's important to say these prayers in Hebrew first and then English. 

Reps

My number of reps per exercise did not get cut and that was a good feeling!  I guess I was doing things right since I wasn't fussed at but a few times.  That's always kind of nice.  But the trainer did have some other hobbies to tend to ;-)  I still don't like those bear crawls, they suck!  Really need a protest sign for those even though I was told it wouldn't do any good.  And burpees really do need to fly the coop!  I don't have a freakin' clue about the power cleans or dead lifts I did.  Oh well...

While I understand and know that my workouts are modified because I'm not up to par it is a good feeling to at least have the number of reps not modified.  I think that's what bothers me the most.  I know I need to work on so many things such as the squats and box jumps but to cut the number down is really what bothers me.  Why not let me do as many as everyone else even if the exercise is modified somewhat?  I really want to improve and just feel like when cutting those reps down it isn't challenging me to get better because I'm not working as hard. 

I'll see how next week goes but I sure hope I get better at some of this stuff so they won't be cutting the reps down as much.  I just have to work harder and do some of this stuff at home to help myself improve.  And I do have faith in all the coaches and know they are doing what is best for me and ensure that I won't get injured.  Sometimes I just want too much too fast.  But it is all up to me what I get out of this and I really do want this lifestyle change! 

Fears be Gone!

Today was interesting but I had to face another fear.  I wasn't prepared for this one.  I should have been but it just wasn't on my radar.  It's called box jumps.  Well, I'm nowhere near box jumps so I get weights placed on the floor.  Out of nowhere here came all my fears of my foot surgeries.  I went into panic mode.  Oh yeah, the trainer just enjoys those moments - NOT!  I don't enjoy them either.  For once, I would have rather stood on all those boxes than to have to try to do jumps.  I've actually never been able to jump even as a kid.  I don't really know why but I can remember as a kid in recess it just wasn't something I could do.  But I know I would love to find a way for all those negative memories to be erased from my memory. 

I did at least graduate to doing knee pulls up by hanging on the bar.  I have no doubt they weren't very pretty but at least I tried and succeeded better at those than I did those box jumps. 

Kettle ball swings are just tiring.  I did check out the weight given to me (12lbs).  I wanted to know where to start next time and continue to add to them. 

I was told at one point I was looking at the coach as he was an alien.  Admittedly, I have my moments I probably think that ;-).  But in all seriousness, I was so focused on what exercise he was demonstrating and what he was saying.  I really need to learn to watch the look on my face.  I always get busted for the looks I give - LOL! 

I know one thing for sure... I have got to start putting more into these workouts and really focus on getting the squats right and now learn to jump.  I am trying but I need to try harder.  Or I will always be stuck with the scaled back workouts. 

I posted this yesterday on my FB page and I may have posted it also on my last blog but it's worth repeating:
It's all up to me on what all I accomplish in life. 
I am my own worst enemy but
I also need to be my own best friend!

Ups and Downs

Tonight's workout had it's up and downs.  I really need to work on my squats.  I really suck at them.  I couldn't do the back squats and that was disappointing.  I really didn't like the alternative given but it is what it is.  I was cut back on the run to half and to half the squats of everyone else. 

I really don't like this scaling back crap.  I know I'm not up to par with everyone else and I understand the coaches are looking out for me and what is best.  But DAMN IT I'm really wanting to do what is put on the board.  One coaches pushes me the hardest and I think that's why I give him the hardest time.  The more he pushes the more I really do want to try.  The easier the other coaches are on me just makes me not push and try as hard. 

I know the longer I take the longer the workout lasts for the coaches.  And I really am trying to remember they know what's best.  So for now, I will do what the coaches tell me and continue to work on my squats since they seem to be the backbone to all the other exercises. 

On a positive note I weighed myself this morning and I've lost 17.5lbs according to my scale.  So that does make me happy!  It's a start of a long journey but oh so worth it. 

It's All Up to Me!!!

So I asked about my thigh muscle that has been killing me since Saturday and was told it will work itself out eventually!  Where are those miracle cures?!?  Oh well, I'll just continue to suffer - LOL! 

Today I did something I said I wasn't going to do for at least another 2 weeks and that was step on a scale.  I had gotten discouraged seeing the numbers go up or not move at all.  I felt like nothing was working even though others were telling me they could see a difference. 

It took me until last week to actually notice any change when I tried on some dresses that have been tight on me and were finally comfy while wearing them. 

I have to admit, I'm still in a little bit of shock but most of all scared that the numbers will go back up.

What I do know is I'm finally feeling motivation from within.  Not that others don't help encourage me but the bottom line is it's all up to me what I put into all this in order to see the results I want.  I actually weigh less today than I have in probably years.  I'm down 17.4lbs!!! 

So my way of celebrating is to clean out the closet.  Won't be getting rid of too much but just to remove a few articles of clothing is going to be liberating.  I want to keep making this lifestyle change and I know I'll hit a few road blocks as I continue on this journey but I'm going to continue to knock down those walls.   

It's all up to me what I accomplish in life! I am my own worst enemy but I also need to be my own best friend to myself!!!

Running and Chatter

Tonight's workout was tough.  I'm almost getting used to the runs.  Wouldn't mind if that big yellow ball in the sky would go away though.  I kept staring at the rope that was attached to the ceiling.  He kept trying to teach us how to hold on to the rope with our feet.  My feet just weren't cooperating.  And those push ups were killer. 

I'm really trying to keep myself surrounded with positive energy.  It's hard when I silently have panic attacks.  I go in wanting to do everything that is asked of me with no questions asked.  And then negative energy takes over.  And when things get too loud and a lot of chatter I try to step away and just find that inner peace and most of all breathe. 

One Day, One Step at a Time!

After a sleepless night and all kinds of thoughts wandering through my head I finally got up this morning even more committed to making this lifestyle change.  I find myself saying this more than I do losing weight lately.  I think this a good thing.  I tossed and turned over my fears and thinking how and what can I do to conquer these fears especially, my fear of heights. 

But another thing that had me thinking was how supportive the folks at CF are.  Yesterday, I got to work out with folks I usually only get to see in passing and it made for a great time.  Now, I'm not thrilled when the classes are too packed but it is nice to have others to workout with rather than be the only one at times.  It's a nice balance for me. 

One of the gals came to meet up with me as I was finishing my last run.  That is just amazing to me how these folks are so supportive and encouraging.  I know I fall short in that area because I'm usually last to finish so I'm not being the one giving support.  I try my hardest to be conscious of trying to say things to others while doing the workout but admittedly fall short of doing so.  I need to work harder on that. 

I wasn't brought up to ask for help or lean on anyone.  I'm supposed to be completely and totally independent.  As for asking for help it is a sign of weakness, after all.

Not sure what is in store for tonight's workout but I'm determined to give it all I got!  And one day all these mental boundaries will go away.  Just keep chipping away at them as I do the weight one day at a time and one step at a time.

Fran is gruesome and relentless!

Tonight's workout was gruesome!  I don't know who had an ex by the name of Fran but they really didn't leave on good terms and I guess they decided to describe what they thought of her with this workout.  And guys wonder why us gals put them through hell - LOL! 

I was able to go to the 5:30 class and it was so good to workout with folks I only get to see in passing.  I've decided Jim is the "evil" trainer, Jeremiah is the "nightmare" trainer.  Haven't come up with a name for Jessica yet but I will.  Jim pushes the hardest and I need that.  The pushing makes me work harder normally.  Jeremiah and Jessica don't push as hard.  Don't get me wrong they are all very encouraging and are awesome.  They just have their different styles and it's nice to have that variety.  Bottom line is I need to depend on myself and not the trainers to push me. 

But at one point tonight I had a mental breakdown in my head.  I want so badly to conquer those heights and just seeing those boxes be put in place all of a sudden had a strangle hold on me.  I had to step back and just breathe.  I felt bad as someone I just met was trying to talk to me and I was trying to hold down a conversation and still not let her know how bad I was panicking inside.  I finally gathered myself and sucked up all the courage I had only to find out I wasn't going to have to climb on the boxes after all and just do ring pull ups instead of jumping pull ups.  Part of me was relieved and another part of me was disappointed because I really want to face my fears.  I just went with what the trainer told me to do at that point. 

I do know I need to figure out how to work this pulled muscle out of my right leg/knee.  It's been bothering me since Sat.  I don't know if I just pulled or twisted something.  It hurts to bend it but when I exercise it doesn't hurt.  I know I haven't done anything major to I just need to figure out how to work it out.  I guess I should speak up and say something to whoever is coaching but I forget when I'm moving around.  But sitting here I can feel the pain and when I go to walk from one room to another I feel the pain when I stand up.  I don't want to become a whiner and I already complain about too much anyway.  Just trying to suck it up and deal with it.

Not the Best...

Not the best of workouts today.  I'm not sure where my mind was and why I just couldn't get the hang of that medicine ball lift.  Something about shrugging my shoulders just doesn't compute with me.  My body was there but evidently my brain went on an early vacation.  Let's just say if I could repeat this workout I would and with better results and I would bring my brain back from vacation.

So with that being said, I WILL DO BETTER TOMORROW!!! 

So with all the rain today, I've been doing some cleaning and when I do that I tend do a lot of thinking (sometimes too much).   In this crazy world we all need something to keep us grounded.  For me, when things get real crazy I center myself usually in nature away from all distractions in deep meditation and I sit and reevaluate what it is I need and want to do.  I know a lot of people don't like making lists of things they dream of doing but I do.  It helps to keep me on track of what my real goals are.

Skiing
Hiking
Horseback Riding
Zip Lining
Fly a Plane
Drive a NASCAR racing car around the track




With those being some of my goals to achieve in my personal life there are some CrossFit goals I have:

Squats
Stand on those boxes and not be so freakin' terrified of falling.  Have the confidence to climb high, get down and do it all over again! 
Pull Ups (where I can actually hold myself up for at least 3 seconds)
Pull Ups (where I can do at least 5 at one time the correct way)
Run
Hold myself up on the rings (don't know what that's called - maybe a ring pull up)
Courage to flip myself around either on a bar or rings (this one may be out of my league but it is a dream)

I'll be updating this list as time goes on.  But it's a start...

Not Giving Up!!!

I haven't been to a Saturday workout since the first time I wandered in clueless.  I still shutter at the challenges I was faced with that day.  And yet, I keep coming back for more - LOL!  I do love a challenge and being able to face my fears. 

I really need to learn not to look at the WOD before I go. It was good to get to see some folks I only see in passing as they leave the early class and I'm showing up for the later one.

I'm still not liking those squats.  But I'm working on getting them right!  One day I will not hear someone say "squat lower" - LOL!  And I'll be able to do a squat without using a box to make sure I go low enough.  Must add those push ups are hard as hell!  My arms are so tired. 

And as far as those runs someone needs to realize this is the south and there is a big yellow ball in the sky that makes things hotter!  I did try to jog in the beginning (I'm determined to be able to run again one day) and I think I made it to the 50 meter mark before I switched to walking fast.  But for the final run I don't even remember if I tried to jog any. 

I remember being so focused on getting those 10 rounds of push ups and squats done that at one point I came up from a push up and was staring at the trainers feet.  Then I heard something about all the sweating was I doing was really good.  I don't quite understand that statement but I have heard others say that before.  If that's what shows I'm trying really hard then I guess it's a good thing. 

On a really good note, I was able to get into a dress I haven't been able to wear in a while.  It was kind of nice to be able to put a dress on and it not be tight.  FINALLY, I am starting to see the results. 

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!!  Looks like the trainers are stuck with me ;-)  I hope they're good with that! 

A New Day

I woke up feeling really good today!  After the beginning of the week and dealing with those ugly demons of the "I Can't" and "Will I Ever" and many more negative feelings I finally just said there's no other choice than to suck it up and fight harder.  Of course, I had to deal with a sick fur baby and some other personal issues but I said I can sit here and sulk and worry about everything or fight back and do my best to make things better and keep making the changes I want for myself.  Of course, it helps to write some of this stuff out as well as talk to friends and those close to the situations.  But ultimately, it's up to me how I live out each day and how I make the best of things.  And when things are beyond my control I just have to let it go to a higher power (which isn't easy)!  I am so thankful for those that listen to me and hope I do the same for them and others!

So today, I went into the workout with my new feeling.  Even though, I'm still battling this cough I went in determined to make it through.  I won't lie it was hard to catch my breath at times.  And it does help to hear the trainer say keep fighting and telling me not to stop. 

I'm sure they get tired of repeating themselves but heck, they're the trainers ;-)  I'm always amazed at their patience but I know they're going to get tougher as I improve.  And I intend to improve.  I want this lifestyle change and I'm going to fight for it!  I wish I was self motivated to do this on my own but I am so glad to have found this Crossfit family and then all my friends who are supporting me along the way.  I do need to be pushed but I'm not giving up and I won't quit walking thru those doors to do the daily WOD!  So anyone else reading this don't give up on your dreams and goals.  We're all going to achieve them, one day at a time and one step at a time! 

Mental Demons Need to Go!

I battled my mental demons all last night and today.  I just want things to happen faster  and with quicker results.  Well, after talking with a few folks at work and finally one of the trainers I know I have to knock down these walls and get rid of the demons.

I walked into the workout tonight and faced the evil demon of running.  I swear someone must be in my head and decided I was battling the not be able to run demon and scheduled 2 runs in the WOD just to torment me ;-)  I keep telling my feet to run but they continue to slow down.

So now it's time to put those demons to rest and start remembering what I have accomplished.   6 weeks ago I wasn't even working out.  Then I did accomplish completing a 5k and a 1 mile a week apart.

I just need to learn to be patient and continue going to my workouts and giving it all I got.  As long as I continue to walk through the doors of the CrossFit box and the trainers continue to push me to do more I know I can do this!  And my dreams will come true!

Waiting for that "One Day"

Today started out horrible.  Woke up still sick so I resorted to getting some injections to knock this stuff out.  Thankfully, it was a half day.

I thought since I hadn't hacked up a lung since this morning I would go workout while I'm glad I went a part of me thinks I should have skipped it.  After doing the 400 meters I was once again coughing.

But I wasn't prepared for an emotion to consume me like it did.  I found myself extremely discouraged because it seems no matter how hard I try I just don't seem to be able to run or jog.  I keep trying to pick up my feet and have my brain send that message to my feet and it's not working.  I don't know why.  I know I've kept my feet practically immobile for 6 years or so but I used to be able to run and enjoyed it many years ago.  I just wanted to curl up and cry. But I know that will get me nowhere.  I know I have to keep trying but why not after a month of working out consistently, the 5k and then the 1 mile I would have thought by now I would be better at making my feet move.  Sometimes I just get so discouraged that things are so easy to others and not me.  I just want that "one day" to arrive.  I did do one thing today and started from scratch again on the nutrition because I just kept feeling like I was losing ground.  So 5 more days of the strict nutrition.  Maybe I should just keep it that way.  I must conquer this feeling and make things better!

A Day of Challenges

I think today is meant to be a day of challenges, both up and down.  Due to some family issues, I was having a conversation with my mother and Crossfit came up.  I think for the first time in I don't know how long my mother said she was proud of me when I told her I walked a 1 mile today (in comparison to her saying I was stupid for doing the 5K as she did last week) but then went on to say she was proud of me for doing that.  Yeah, my jaw dropped to the floor.  She did tell me not to overdo it but then she is mom - LOL! 

See, I really want someone to find a Crossfit for them and that is how I ended up telling her my "secret".  I had never really planned to tell her.  I think Crossfit would benefit this person and give them something physical to do and be able to see her accomplishments.  So, I've inquired with a local Crossfit to see if they have a program for her. 

Even as tough as the WOD's get and the challenges and all the pushing the trainers do I really do enjoy it.  Even though I was ready to tell one of the trainers the other day to go find a new hobby if he told me one more time to bend lower with the squats - LOL!  It almost slipped but I thought twice.  Not sure how he would have reacted to that statement but knowing me it will slip out at some point.  Just hope he takes it the right way - ;-)  But truth be told I need to be pushed and challenged as it motivates me even when I get frustrated. 

Just Keep Moving!

I walked the 1 mile at Noah's Ark.  I pushed myself to go as fast as I could.  I did it in 14:47.   There were lots of hills even though this part was paved.  It's definitely a mental challenge for me for the first half.  All kinds of thoughts go through my head from, "what am I thinking" to "I'm just crazy" to "why not just turn around and be done with all this madness especially when nobody is around to witness my giving up".  I've never known these kind of mental challenges existed.  Somehow, I just reached deep inside myself and remembered to keep my arms moving, keep breathing and just keep going.   

A part of me did want to do the 5K today but I'm not there yet with my own self motivation.  And I really don't believe I'm ready to do another one just yet.  Maybe this fall, I'll do another one if there is one around.  Or just go out and do one on my own.  But for now, I just need to continue working out and getting stronger.  I'm determined to reach my goals and I will. 

I felt fine during the walk and even after but on the way home I guess my muscles weren't moving and by the time I got home they were stiff and I could barely get out of my vehicle.  My knees and shins hurt.  So as I sit here and write this I have ice on my legs and will put some funky tape on my shins later before going out tonight.  Yeah, for some reason I just keep going - LOL! 

Suck it Up Buttercup ;-)

I was the only one at the gym this morning for the workout (WOD).  Jessica ended up being my very own personal trainer.  I always feel kind of guilty when I'm the only one there for the trainers but I'm told not to worry about it.  Am wondering if I workout on Thurs. night if going Friday mornings is too soon.  I know my knees and thighs feel very tight but wonder if it's from not stretching good enough or just plain working out.  I guess really I should quit whining and just get over it and deal with it.  Like they say, no pain - no gain!

I did write on the wall today even though I had hesitations about doing so.  I wrote "be able to stand on a box and do a pull up and not be scared to fall off".  Or something like that.  Everyone makes it look so easy and I really want to do the same.  I probably should have written get the squats right but maybe I'll add that another day. 

Then there's the whole know what the trainers are saying when they post the exercises of the day.  I get so confused and all these different images get in my head and I get lost.  I call it my snowflake moment.  I can only imagine how tired they get repeating things to me. 

But I will say the trainers seem to be enjoying increasing some weights on me :-).  Although last night's kettle ball was freakin' funny!  Even at that I feel like I should have been able to use the original one given to me.  Today I had more weights on my bar for something called push jerks.  I do believe she put 25lbs on each side.  It was tough but I did it. 

I took the tape off of my shins today.  I stopped by a sporting goods store and got some more in case I have the same thing happen tomorrow when I walk a 1 mile.  Not sure if they should be taped up before or not.  Guess I should have asked.  Just wasn't on my brain this morning.

I'm told I will get discouraged at some point but to push through it so I'm hoping I come back and read some of what I've written to get me remotivated if that happens.  Right now, it's just hard as hell but I do enjoy going and pushing myself.  Well, it does help when the trainers push me too.  Not so sure I should admit that but I think they know it.   

One Day...

Today's workout kicked my butt!  They always do though.  I really hate squats.  And to just be blunt about it... it's really hard not to bend forward while doing them when you're well endowed.  They just kind of take over - LOL!  Well, I guess in actuality I just need to work on them more. 

So one of the things we were told tonight is to write on the wall a goal we want to meet.  I have a ton of goals to meet.  So what to write?  I know eventually I'll get the squats, just need to work harder at it. 

But the one fear I have that I want to overcome is my fear of heights and being able to stand on that box and accomplish doing pull ups the right way.  Just looking at the boxes makes my stomach turn and then to have to stand on them is just completely terrifying.  Then of course, there's always that adventure of getting down.  I watch other people do it with ease and I'm in awe of them.  And wonder if I'll ever get the confidence, faith and strength to do it.

Hopefully, one day! 

A Brand New Day

Woke up feeling like a brand new day has begun!  I enjoy days like this and wish I felt this way everyday.  This has now become a new goal for me to achieve and work towards.  Still get nervous not knowing if I can do these workouts when I go the gym but the determination I feel inside myself to try is getting stronger.  I hope I don't lose this feeling and if I do I hope I come back and read through what I've written and pull from this inner strength. 

I think it's like what one of my rabbi's said when we go through the 8 days of Passover and remembering the struggles of all the Jews being freed from slavery it is a celebration to know you can come through the storm and get through anything.  At least that was my take on what he said ;-)  To have things taken away from you as they did so many years ago as we remove certain foods from our diet for those 8 days and still survive is a feeling like no other. 

So I'm off to keep this feeling and not let anyone squash my dreams and keep moving forward.  Because I will survive! 

That was fun... NOT!!!

On Sunday, I went and met my folks after they got out of church.  I was there only to pick up some things as I was told the nieces/nephew were sick.  When I drove up my oldest brother and his family were taking part in an Easter egg hunt.  As I was hobbling to everyone my brother asks me why.  My brain was not thinking fast enough to come up with a good excuse as I wasn't prepared to see all of them I just told him I did a 5K the day before.  Not surprisingly, he laughed and asked why to which I had no response.  I was doomed now for everything I didn't want or need to hear. 

We went inside so the kids could eat cookies and brownies all the while everyone trying to make me eat them.  That didn't happen.  So I get asked again why did I run a 5K and at this time and in my mother's true fashion was right there listening as she walked by.  To which her response was "that was stupid".  Luckily, someone called for her to come do something.  

See, I love my family but they are not the most positive people in the world and some things are just better left not spoken about.  I then got to hear my brother talk about all the hikes and stuff that he did while in the military and if you know anything about military people (and we're a product of 2 military parents) and to top if off a Special Forces retired military person then you know the mentality I deal with.  But I do have to give him some credit he wasn't as condescending as he can be and I think in his own twisted way he was supportive even though it didn't come directly out as you have to read between the lines. 

So with that conversation over and we all finally left I breathed a sigh of relief that I handled the situation with minimal comments and left all the negativity.  Even though my mother thought I had lied because I told her I had gone to raise money for K9 officers which I did I just didn't openly admit that I did a 5K that morning.  I really wish I could lie better but I just can't.  If you ask me I just tell you no matter if you get mad at me or not.  What a day!!! 

Shin Splints... WTH???

I keep hearing the word shin splints be used a little too much.  What I do know is my shins hurt like crazy!  They kept me up the last 2 nights even though I was taking lots of Motrin.  But after having a rough morning getting out of the house (just one of those mornings nothing went right) I forgot my Motrin so as I was looking through the cabinets at work for something I was told to just get an injection.  I hate needles, even when I'm sick they have to force me to get an injection.  I will say it did help. 

So off to do my workout and being reminded to make sure I tell who was coaching.  I have to say I'm proud of myself for not giving in to the folks that told me I shouldn't go workout.  I figured at worst I would show up and be told to hold off but that wasn't happening - LOL!  So tonight, I was introduced to a new trainer.  Oh how I don't think he was prepared for me - LOL!  I was already in a mood from everything at work.  He was patient though. 

I did the workout but I will say it wasn't pretty.  And far as I'm concerned burpees can go jump out of a plane without a parachute! 

I do have to say I did feel better to find that the trainer didn't over react to my shins hurting but did answer my questions.  I didn't understand why my shins have hurt for days and I do the workout and they don't bother me.  While I understand the answer about the body moving it doesn't compute in my head as far as it making sense. 

Hopefully, I will get some sleep tonight.