Time to Refocus

Today I went shopping and bought nothing for me.  I thought I might to celebrate the weight loss I have accomplished but nothing appealed to me.  Even though I know the number on the scale reads I lost about 20lbs. I just didn't feel it today.  When I looked in the mirror after getting ready I felt like all that weight was still there.  I guess it would help if I liked to shop for clothes too.  So maybe when the next 20lbs. comes off I'll feel more like shopping then. 

I also spent time chatting with a friend about all the ups and downs of getting in shape and losing this weight and the fears I face.  Trying to overcome these fears such as heights and jumping isn't easy for me.  I wonder if the coaches really have the patience to help me work through them or do they just get frustrated and not want to deal with me. 

I have to get myself through these fears and just take these chances and do the exercises and say screw the fear!  It's not doing me any good to hang on to them.  Why the hell can't I jump a freaking 4 inches?  Why does my brain send me down memory lane to my childhood and all those things I wasn't able to do?  This is not who I am.  I am a confident person in all other aspects of my life.  I can handle my own situations that arise.  Why can't I handle these?  DAMN IT!!!  I need to break that wall done. 

I have to find a way!  I will find a way!  These fears are going to be gone!  They're not worth keeping around.  They're hindering me and clouding my head when I need to focus on positive things. 

So when my head gets clouded and I need it cleared I turn to my prayers and I need to regroup and refocus. 

My meditation (adapted from The Book of Jewish Sacred Practices) is:

Each extra step,
Each lap around the track,
Each lift of the weights,
Each stretch of muscles long out of use... in each bead of sweat and panting breath I praise You
b'khol atzmotai (with all my bones)
for allowing my body to affirm life.
Teach me discipline, encourage me to take good care of the body You have given me.

Along with this there are a few blessings I read:

Elohai neshamah she'natata bi t'horah hi
My G-d, the spirit You have given me is pure.

Barukh atah ahser bara et ha'adam b'chokhmah
Blessed are You who has created the human body in wisdom.

Barukh atah ozer Yisrael bigvurah
Blessed are You who girds me with strength.

Braukh atah she'asah li kol tzorki
Blessed are You who has provided for all my needs.

Barukh atah ha'notein la'ya'eif ko'ach
Blessed are You who restores me.

So one of the interpretations of these prayers is:

Not as much the synagogue (or any place of worship of any faith) perhaps, the gym is also a place for the pursuit of the holy.  G-d has given us bodies to keep and use, and the good that our bodies can do will be brought about only if we work to keep them healthy.  Thus it is our responsibility, to the extent possible, to stay in shape.  Saying a brakah before working out would be fully appropriate. 

So before my workouts I really need to remember to go into my meditative state and say my prayers because I know when I do I am more focused and in tune to what I need to do.  For me, it's important to say these prayers in Hebrew first and then English.