Physically Exhausted

I came out of this WOD physically exhausted!  I've gotten tired during workouts but never felt like I was literally going to drop or couldn't get back up.  I don't know if it was because we were told to push ourselves and not stop.  It was so hard not to and I had to get some water at one point which turns out that probably wasn't the best of ideas as that water almost came back up.  I know my anemia has kicked in as it does every time at this time of the month.  I thought I was being proactive and forced myself to eat some eggs this morning for protein.  I've never had a problem in the 3 months I've been working out so I don't want to lean on my cycle as a reason for feeling so exhausted.  I want to lean towards the heat and my body just hasn't adjusted to it yet.  I just have to suck it up and deal with it.  Make sure I eat the protein and drink more water!

It was a 21-15-9 Wall Balls, Kettle Bells, Burpees

I had the 10lb wall ball and of course I had to bring my friend, the box along for the squat part of it.  Those squats still suck!

The 26lb. kettle bell is just so heavy but anything lighter is too light.  I didn't do as good bending my knees tonight though. 

Burpees SUCK!!!  I HATE THEM!!!  I know they're a good thing to do but there were times I felt like I couldn't get back up.  So hard on my arms and legs. 

I'm glad the coach pushed me to do it all and finish.  I don't know if he had any idea how I was feeling. 

So tonight I weighed in and don't believe I lost any weight and probably gained.  I measured myself tonight but wonder how accurate my measurements really are.  If I did it correctly, I lost an overall 4 inches this month.  I wish they did this for us at the gym.  Let the gal coaches measure us gals who want to be measured.  Sorry, just not comfy with the guy coaches coming anywhere near me with a tape measure.  The gal coaches can share the info with the guy coaches and we can have conversations at that point on how to work on certain areas and that's fine.  I may work in a doctor's office but that's just way too personal even for me! 

More Lifts

Tonight's WOD was fast!  I really don't enjoy them but at the same time it is kind of nice.  I really didn't feel like I got a good workout in the sense of feeling exhausted but I did get a good workout in the sense of working on form when it come to the lifts and weights.  But I imagine this is how everything comes together. 

I think I could actually learn to like dead lifts.  But I do have to remember to bend my knees. 

The hang cleans... I just don't like them.  I just feel like I have too much weight bouncing around and I'm just so self conscious about it when I have to jump.  I'm just now starting to handle it with jump rope.  It's not something I feel comfy talking with the coaches about as I don't feel like it's something they can help me overcome and I don't think they understand.  I can just hear them say get over it or don't worry about it.  But when I feel and hear my body bouncing around it's hard enough for me deal with in my own head. 

The overhead squats are freakin' hard!  My squats suck and then having me put a 35lb. weight bar above my head and do a squat... that's HARD!!!  Just when I think my knees are starting to feel better here we go again with the pain but it's mostly in my right knee.  I need to remember what one of the coaches said about turning your feet outward especially since mine are flat footed. 

Getting There...

I feel like I accomplished a few things tonight in the WOD. The warm up was full of all my favorites - LOL!  A 400 meter run and jump ropes...

I pushed myself to run farther with the run.  I made it over to the gravel but slowed down.  Then as I got around the building I forced myself to pick it back up.  So as I got back on the street and into the parking lot I was picking my legs up more.  I wasn't fast but for me it was good to put more movement in my legs.  That's the only way I'm going to get faster. 

The jump ropes weren't as bad as a dread as they used to be.  I got up to 25 jump ropes in a row.  I amazed myself to get that many in a row.  But so glad I did it.  My next goal is 50 in a row. 

The WOD was a 20 min. AMWRAP consisting of 18 box jumps, 15 knees to chest and 12 pull ups.  And I think I got the hint I need to be more assertive in deciding how I'm going to do some exercises.  I've leaned on the coaches too long with some of the exercises and most let me but not the one tonight.  I heard his frustration when it came to deciding on the box jumps whether I was jumping or stepping.  And then getting things set up where I'm going to do what is always a dilemma for me because I don't do a lot of what the others do and I always feel like I'll get in someone's way.  The coach tonight was just a tad frustrated.  I'll be working on that. 

Those box jumps were a nightmare in the beginning.  I don't know who was more frustrated, me or the coach.  But I finally focused on what he telling me... jump like I'm jumping rope.  It took a bit to sink in and do it but I finally did.  It felt so good to finally get to the point where I did several in a row.  Once I listened to what the coach was telling me and I put some effort in that jump I did it.  I hope the coach was proud of me for getting over that mental hurdle but most of all I am proud of myself. 

Knees to chest are okay.  If I could figure out how to not close my ears off with my arms when hanging from the bar I could do more.  For some reason that bothers me. 

The pull ups are just that.  I hate to admit I don't put much into them because they bore me.  I'm tired of standing on that box and jumping.  I understand it's the best thing for me now it's just boring. 

So for now, I'm proud of my accomplishments and will get better at being more assertive and make decisions on what I need to set up for the WOD.  Time to become a little more independent.  It's just hard because I'm scared of making the wrong decision.  Mental baggage is sometimes harder than physical. 

Surprised Myself!

I wasn't so sure about what tonight's WOD would be when I saw it posted but it turned out better than I thought.  I did feel a little bad for the coach as he was trying to watch everybody and I guess tonight would have been a good night to have 2 coaches on the floor but then you never know who all is going to show up.  I have to give him credit he did pretty good. 

Tonight was Back Squat, Shoulder Press and Dead Lift.  I surprised myself. 

I maxed out at 105lbs. with the Back Squat.  Those squats get the best of me. Definitely learned you can't lean forward when doing them and so glad the coach was spotting to ensure we didn't get hurt. 

I maxed out at 70lbs. with the Shoulder Press.  Those really pushed the limits on my arms.  Have to admit it was nice not to have to think about using my hips to lift - LOL! 

I maxed out 205lbs. with the Dead Lift.  I'm still in shock I lifted that much.  But that last one got me as I feel it in my shoulders. 

At least I have a starting point to go from now for the next time we do these.  I'm still in shock.  I've done these lifts before but don't know what I lifted.  Now, it's time to start keeping track.   

Brutal

Today's WOD was brutal!  It really didn't look that hard but I should have known better.  Not that I didn't think it was going to be hard but I didn't expect it to kick my butt as hard as it did.  I won't lie, it wasn't my favorite WOD.  My entire body is sore from my arms to my back and legs.  

It was another one of those 50-40-30-20-10 of wall balls, box jumps and kettle bells.  A Hero WOD named after Navy Seal Morrison. 

Those wall balls kicked my butt!  I moved the box lower so that was a shock to my butt.  That first time going that low was eye opening.  I started out trying not to sit on that box when I went down but halfway through it I was so tired I found myself using my arms to push up on my legs.  Not exactly how those wall balls are to be done.  I think the only thing I did right was try to concentrate on getting on my heels and the outside of my feet instead of letting my feet lean in. 

Box jumps were disappointing.  I kept trying to jump up and never got it.  I suck at these!  I wanted to stand up on the box but that idea got squashed.   I was stopping too long and the coach was trying to keep me moving due to the length of the workout.  Really disappointed in these.  But the only choice I have is to work harder and do better! 

Kettle bells got the best of my arms.  That 26lb gets extremely heavy!  I actually think that may be the best thing I do at the gym.  At least I never hear any of the coaches yell at me when I'm doing them.

I really wanted to throw a run in there even if it was just 200 meters.  I should have after I cooled down.  I just want to get better at too many things at one time.  I have to learn it's one day at a time and 1 WOD at a time. 

Keep Moving Forward

Today's WOD was interesting.  But my body just didn't want to move for some reason.  Or at least that's how I felt. 

The harder I tried to run the stiffer my legs felt.  I was doing good for a while running 100 meters and not stopping.  I don't know what happened but I didn't make it 50 meters.  The more I think about it I do better with the runs during the regular WOD than the warm up.  I don't know if it's because my muscles are stretched out more or what.

We went back to the basics with squats and it was good to get that refresher course.  I really have to keep working on my squats.  Still my first priority.

Those front squats killed me.  That 45lbs. on the bar was so freakin' heavy.  Then again, I lean forward too much. 

Burpees still kill me.  I got dropped to half.  I understand why but it would have been good to do them all.  I really do want to do them all.  I just have to keep pushing forward and keep improving. 

Pull ups were okay but at the same time I feel like I can do better.  I don't feel myself giving it my all.  Nobody says anything to me so I guess they're okay it's just how I feel. 

Just have to keep pushing forward!  Goal is to get healthy and stronger!  One day at a time and one WOD at a time!

Not Too Bad!

Tonight's WOD was okay but the warm up was torture.  Why do the coaches want to kill me before I get to the WOD - LOL! 

I wonder sometimes will my feet ever run?  I know they will because I've already improved.  The heat just kills me and slows me down but somehow I will push through this summer of heat. 

Now, that thing called a bear complex or whatever it was called was interesting.  That was a lot of thinking to keep that one straight as to when to do what and how.  My blonde self was on information overload at that point - LOL!  Strange thing about it though, if I could just get those squats down low enough I might would like that exercise.  I don't like it's name but I think I could learn to like that one. 

I really don't like jumping. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I'm a little self conscious and I have a lot to bounce around especially the girls ;-)  But that will change as time goes on and I keep pushing through these WOD's. 

The wall balls were hard as I just didn't get low enough on the squats.  I knew it and I didn't try hard enough.  Nobody's fault but my own.   I'll do better tomorrow. 

My version of the pull ups is hanging on the bar and getting my knees as high up as I can.  They were hard but I'd really like to do those more and work on getting stronger and better and eventually getting my knees up to my chest. 

I guess what I'm really saying is it wasn't that bad of a WOD.  I do enjoy it and it's challenges it brings me.  I just have to learn not to get frustrated or if I do not let it get the best of me because all that does it hold me back from getting better and improving.

Warm Up was Torture!

Tonight's WOD was good.  The warm up was torture. 

Those wall balls kill me because of the squats.  Just one more reminder that I really need to spend time before class starts working on them when I can if the precious class is finished with the WOD. 

Push ups seem like they should be easy but they kill my arms. 

Sit ups are just that.  They're just tiring. 

The WOD consisted of 7 sets of 3 Cleans.  I maxed out at 65lbs.  But I really can't say I did that.  I liked the fact that the coach focused on form more than the weights on the bar.  I clearly don't use my hips enough to pull the weights up and that's what the coach worked with me on.  Yet, another thing to work on. 

8 Single Jump Ropes

There really is a light in the tunnel!  So, today's WOD was brutal but I can say I feel accomplished! 

It consisted of push presses and jump ropes. 

Those push presses were murder!  My arms are like jello.  So glad there was no weight added to that bar.  I have such a hard time getting my right arm up in a straight position.  I really have to get better at using my legs too. 

Those jump ropes were dreaded from the first time I saw them on the board.  And to my surprise I got up to 8 in a row.  I wasn't consistent but I did have some sets of 3 or 4 in a row.  I feel like I accomplished something.  It's a good feeling that for the first time I didn't get so frustrated and sling the jump rope across the room.  Been a while since I felt like I accomplished something.  Just goes to show not giving up pays off as well as listening to the what the coaches tell me to do.  I guess the jump ropes are safe from the wire cutters ;-)

So it appears my flat feet are getting in my way.  I have to concentrate putting my feet out instead of letting them roll in like they automatically do.  Oh, how I hate flat feet!

Talked with the coach tonight.  He was aware but wouldn't tell me where he got his info on how I had been feeling...HMMMM....  Oh well, it doesn't matter.  I feel better that everything is out in the open.  And it's a good feeling to know the 2 coaches that I have talked to listened.  Just as the other one told me to always let him know if something is bothering me this one said the same thing.  I need to learn to get better at speaking up when something really bothers me and not let it go for days.  I saw where this got me discouraged and my workouts weren't given everything I have.  I will work on getting better at figuring things out and speaking up if needed. 

Relief

Today was a rough day and work didn't help.  After going back and forth about going to workout I finally made a run for it 15 minutes before start time.  Between work being hectic and just not sure what if anything I was going to say about how I was feeling I just didn't know if I would make it.  But finally I did. 

Tonight's WOD consisted of pull ups, dips and squats.  Nothing new in those departments. 

I used the bands to help with squats.  I'm always afraid I'm going to break a band.  I spent a lot of time concentrating on how I was squatting and making sure I stayed upright.  I also really tried to focus on keeping my toes up and digging my heels in.  I think I got it right a few times. 

I finally spoke my peace and said how I was feeling.  It was a good conversation.  I was told by this coach that they all needed to be more mindful but most of all reassured that I would always be allowed to finish.  See, I hate making the coaches stay late or have a class just for me.  I know they want to go home just as I do when I'm at work.  But just saying how I felt was a big relief.  Not sure how the other coaches might feel about it all... 

I don't like it when I get in my moods and get a quietness about me.  And it does show as I haven't been able to ever hide how I feel. 

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to look for the positive and stay focused! 

Pin Pointing

I think I've pin pointed my anger and it wasn't until tonight that I realized it.  But I really have a hard time with the fact that everything gets cleaned up specifically, my stuff while I'm still doing the WOD.  I just don't understand how others know I'm still doing my rounds and put my stuff up.  I know we're taught to clean up and put back whatever we use but seriously, my stuff too???  It's been suggested that I should say something to the coaches but I have to admit I'm intimidated.  Go figure... I typically don't have any problem speaking my mind and here I am afraid to say anything.  I think the part with the coaches on this is they're not even paying attention and noticing.  That makes me wonder is it just me and then why should I bother saying anything.  I'll have to think more about this one before deciding if I say anything or not. 

I really didn't enjoy the 3 rounds with 1 of the things being a 400 meter run.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do the 400 meter run it was more that the big evil yellow ball in the sky was out and it made it hard to breathe. 

The kettle bells were okay.  I ended up with a smaller weight than I started and I really think I should have gone back to the heavier weight as the smaller one didn't seem to really work me. 

The pull ups were just hard.  I have to work on getting a better jump on them.  But that darn box always wants to move on me and that blows some of my confidence.  But I'll get beyond that.  Somehow, some way!!! 

Not a Post for the Overly Sensitive... especially if one is a coach/trainer

In talking and thinking things through about last week I went back to a few conversations I've had. 

The main question I come back to for myself is... How do I convince the coaches I really am trying and really want to do the exercises correctly? 

It's hard when you feel like you've been tossed aside.  Knowing I didn't do 1 medicine ball squat correctly and nothing being said to me made me not even want to try.  After all, isn't that what I pay the coaches to help me with?  Guide me, teach me and I've never once told any of them not to push me.  In fact, I tell them the opposite... PUSH ME!  I need to know if I'm doing it wrong but don't give up on me.  I have a hard enough time telling myself I'm going to do this and get it right.  At least give me some freakin' encouragement.  So what if I do something a 100 times and you're tired of watching me.  Hell, I'm the one doing the physical exercise not the coach.  I'm the one that should be tired.  But if I'm willing to keep trying then let me! 

I'm not saying baby me and give into my pity because that won't get me anywhere.  Heck, the tears I cried got me nowhere why would pity?  So what if I get mad I might just get ticked off enough and do it right.  They're supposed to be strong enough physically and mentally to take it.  At least they say they are.  And make sure when they are guiding me and teaching me that not everyone else is getting in the middle of it.  It's okay for others to listen and watch in hopes of learning, hell I do that but I can only focus on 1 person teaching me.  Too many people trying to tell me how to do something will always send this blonde in a whirlwind of confusion. 

I know I try to find the humor in everything but it's also my way of trying to look on the bright side.  But I do have a pissed off side of me that has yet to be seen.  I really don't want to go there but I felt it coming on last Thursday and Friday.  It takes a lot for me to snap and I felt myself get a little too close to that line last week. 

Had it not been for one of the girls Thursday night who was more like a coach to me than the coach himself I probably would have snapped.  If the coaches get frustrated with me they need to stop and remember I get frustrated with myself magnified by about a 100 times more than they do with me.  I'm just not good at showing it in front of a bunch of people. 

DISCLAIMER:  I love all my coaches they are AWESOME!  I'm just hoping all of this is just because several of us having bad days and they hit for all of us at once.  I'm sure if I want to go off on them they feel that same way at times with  me.  I'm just trying to work through all of this and somehow and some way find a way to get better at all of this because I really do want to be healthy and in shape so I can go out and live all my dreams.  After all, DREAMS CAN AND DO COME TRUE!!!  So in the event any coaches/trainers (especially mine) read this please don't take it to heart.  Just understand your students in your classes are showing up because they want more and want to get better.  AT LEAST I DO! 

Something has to Give!

Tonight's warm up was better than the actual WOD!  I would have rather done the warm up 3 times than to do the WOD.  Mainly because the warm up worked me.  I wasn't really fond of the warm up  but I felt like it pushed me and made me do various things.  It had a mixture of running, burpees, air squats, push ups and something called mountain climbers.  I don't remember doing mountain climbers before but I was told I had.  But now, I know I've done them!

The WOD was just front squats with weights.  It was hard but for me there was too much going on it was hard for me to concentrate.  I took myself mentally out of the room and just started talking to myself about the squats.  I never got it.  I believe the coach is beyond trying to help me with them.  He's frustrated, I'm frustrated.  Something has to give!  I have to learn how to squat and not lean forward.  I don't know what is going to be the breaking point for me to get it but it needs to happen now! 

So I got to thinking... I have my contraption in the yard I made and that's good for warming up.  I have some PVC pipe in the garage and I'm going to get it out and hammer it into the ground and then put my stool out there and practice not hitting the PVC pipe while squatting  The coach did that with one of the weight exercises and I think it helped.  So why shouldn't this help?  I'm at least going to try!

At least I didn't break down and cry tonight!  But then with this trainer it's not a good idea.  I think he would have given me a few encouraging words and then made my butt get up and do an exercise or something.  Basically, I'll work you until you can't do anymore.  And I would have gotten up and done whatever was told to me.  Because I do want to get stronger and healthier and conquer all these obstacles and laying on the floor crying will get me nowhere! 

All Alone...

Seriously, these roller coaster of emotions need to go away!  My head wants one thing and my heart wants another.  I want this healthy lifestyle change more than anything in this world but my head wants it yesterday whereas I know reality is it will take time.  It's just so hard being so far behind everyone else in finishing.  I don't like being scaled back but I do understand why when I am.  Tonight hit me hard when I saw everyone else cleaning things up and putting things away.  I was barely into my last round.  I went right back to how I felt out there all alone during the 5K and if I hadn't had the police escort I probably would have just walked home and said the hell with it as I didn't think anybody was going to be at the finish line when I got there.  I just wanted to stop in the middle of that round and just quit. But the part of me that really wants this healthy lifestyle said NO!!!  I remembered there were people at the finish line of that 5K when I did get there.  And that's the part I need to listen to.

I got so mad at the jump ropes that I finally said the hell with it and started jumping in place.  Glad the coach was okay with that.  He sees my frustration and tells me not to get frustrated.  I know I slung that jump rope down. 

The sit ups were okay just work the hell out of me. 

The medicine balls can all go fall off a cliff!  Those are so hard to do something called a medicine ball clean or whatever that was I tried to do and have no idea if I ever did one correctly.  Those are just a bitch! 

The pull ups are hard but I think I'm getting a little better at them.  I just need to bend my knees more and get more lift on my pull up. 

The push ups are okay but I know I didn't give it my all and stayed on my knees but I did make sure I got my arms straight and lifted my chest off the floor. 

So by the time I was done it was over 41 minutes later (about 10 minutes later than everyone else).  I just laid on the floor.  One of the gals was so awesome in helping me along and then massaged my back.  Next thing I know, my coach is on the floor in front of me.  By this time I was trying not to be in tears but it was so hard not to be because I was so frustrated and I just felt all alone even though I had people around me.  Of course he knew it and talked to me.  Gave me some encouragement and support and told me not to beat myself up over it.  Easier said than done.  I finally got up and just sat on the bench and watched with a few others as the coach did the WOD. 

I'm not giving up!  That all alone feeling just hit me out of nowhere.  I just was not expecting that emotion.

My Roller Coaster of Emotions!

Sometimes I wish I could shut my mind off but it's been working overtime.  Doesn't it know I'm on vacation??? 

I found out quickly when I started CrossFit there is a big mental part of this getting healthy involved.  I wasn't quite prepared for that at the time but accepted it so I thought.  Now, as things are getting tougher because I can do more than I could a little over 2 months ago the mental challenge is getting tougher.  I guess I naively thought the mental part would go away as I got in this routine of working out.  WOW!  I was more than wrong!

Lately, my goal has been to master those evil squats and stand on a box without assistance.  I really want to conquer these 2 things so I can move on to other things and get stronger. 

For the last few weeks I've wanted to conquer my fear of heights by standing on a box and so many people have tried to help me and I'm so grateful for them.  It started with my meltdown last week and the coach pushed me HARD but I never accomplished getting on that box without his help. 

Everytime I look at that box I see it being 100 feet tall and my stomach just turns in knots.  Then I see me stepping on that box and it either falls over and I tumble or it crushes into pieces and down I go.  I've already had firsthand experience with the box trying to fall over and that terrified me.  What if that box breaks and can't hold me?  What happens when it tumbles and me and both the box go tumbling down?  What is the coach going to think or say?  I imagine for me, I would just want to crawl out of the gym. 

So when I get through those thoughts I stop and remember I have the most supportive people I've ever had surrounding me on this journey and just hope and pray they would help me get up and try again with another box.  After all, I'll have to replace a box if I crush it!

As for those squats, I need to just get over my fear of falling and let myself fall if that's what happens.  I hate pulling on those bands but they do help.  At the same time I am afraid they too will also break on me and can't help hold me.  Wonder where one gets bands at to replace them? 

The hardest part is putting aside all the teasing and taunting I got from my brothers growing up.  I don't understand why but all of that has flooded back into my mind lately.  They've never been the most supportive.  I should know by now after all these years to let it go.  Then at the same time I think finally I will show them!  I am going to get stronger and healthier most of all and they will have nothing to say to me now. 

So tonight, I will go in and if nobody is on the floor I'm going to work on something ahead of time.  And hope and pray for the best outcome called succeeding and not giving into these fears!  I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL ACCOMPLISH THIS!!!  I AM DETERMINED!!!  It's just so freaking hard but so worth it. 

No Regrets!

I went back tonight and did the regular WOD.  OMG that was hard and it only involved 2 things.  Those jerk cleans are hard and I know I got worse at them as the rounds went on and especially by round 5.  I can feel it in my arms.  And as much as I tried to remember to use my shoulders that was hard too. 

The wall balls killed me.  I think the coach is on to me as I had to hold the 10lb. ball up high when doing the squats.  Not sure why I can't use the girls to hold it - LOL!  I did feel like I stood up more when I held the ball up though instead of leaning forward when squatting doing the wall balls.  It's just those wall balls get extremely heavy! 

I was and still am exhausted from it all but it was a good workout. 

And then I came home and even managed to get a real meal in with all the right amounts of protein, carb and fat.  It is such a struggle for me to eat protein but am really proud of myself when I get it right.  It's all worth the pain and struggles and I'm glad I've chosen this path.  No regrets! 

Will Win this Battle!

This morning I got to go work on doing squats and standing up on that 20 inch box.  At least I know the coach and me are on the same page of what I need to work on when he asked me what I wanted to do.

Those squats are still hard.  I need to quit leaning forward and start digging in my heels.  I felt like I was getting good at it a few times as I was trying not to pull on the bands for help.  I just have to keep working at it and get over that fear that I'm going to fall.  And if I do fall just say what the hell and get back up and try again. 

Now, stepping up on a box is an entirely different story.  Me and my mind had a serious chat with that box.  I got up on that box if I had the wall to lean to.  I tried without putting my hand out but never succeeded but I did succeed in the sense I got up on that box and just barely touching the wall. 

Then I got moved to standing on 3 45lb. weights.  When I got good at that without using anything to hold onto I got added a 25lb. weight.  My left leg is stronger than my right leg.  And how dare the coach notice that was the one I was using all the time - LOL!  And then I had to use my right leg ;-)  So I would step up on the weights a few times and feel my confidence gaining and then go over and try to step up on the box.  Never did it without help but I sure as heck tried.  I wanted to do it but I guess me and my mind will have to have a few more chats.  But I will win this battle!  I am more determined everyday!

Now, bring on the WOD of the day! 

I Will Do It!

I went into tonight's WOD dreading the team WOD.  Luckily for me, the coach dropped my run from 400 meters to 200 which is equivalent to everyone else's time.  I don't really like it when the coaches cut me back but when it's a team WOD I don't like holding anyone else back.  I will keep improving on my running.  My goal is to be able to run 200 meters without stopping in another month.  I figure if it took me 2 months to get to 100 meters I should be to get up to 200 in another month. 

Still struggled with the box jumps.  I got better as time went on but just never succeeded.  I'm determined I will though. 

I know I can do push ups even though my arms get extremely tired.  One coach says use your knees if needed and another coach says stay off your knees.  I've decided to do a mixture.  If I can do it without using my knees then I do.  But when I get tired all bets are off.

That 26lb. kettle bell is HEAVY!!!  But I can feel it working my arms.

So, me and my mind are going to have a serious chat (not like we haven't already) but I have to conquer my fears.  I have to move past these barriers and accomplish these exercises.  I want to move past these barriers and knock down these walls.  I will do it! 

Time to Have a Chat with my Mind!

I don't really know what was up with tonight's WOD for me.  Not sure if my mind just shut down after trying to stand on a box or what happened.  The WOD was a good and tough one even being scaled back to half for me.  I just didn't feel that accomplished feeling like I usually do.  Had nothing to do with the coaches or anyone.  It was just me.  I guess there is going to be a WOD every now and then that folks don't connect with and this one was mine. 

Started out with a 500 meter row.  Not my favorite thing to do but it's part of it.

Those box jumps kicked my butt and I didn't accomplish 1!  I was doing so good and tonight I just sucked at them.  I could have and should have done better. 

The push ups were hard but that's normal.  Just trying to make sure my arms go up and straight and I get up on my toes and not my knees. 

Pull ups were just that.  I do wonder if I was lower if that would help.  I feel like I can't get enough jump up for them and my momentum just can't get there.  But for now, I'll continue to do it however the coaches want me to. 

My back extension were good mornings with a bar.  That 35lb. bar is heavy.  Probably my least favorite of it all. 

Sit ups were just that... sit ups. 

The dips were hard and challenged me to use my arms and not my legs and I did just that.

The Turkish get ups are hard.  I know I favor my right leg so it was even tougher when I had to work the left leg. 

Now I just need to have some serious chats with my mind and get over my fears.  So mad at myself that I didn't stand on that box.  But I'm not giving up!  I'm determined! 

Just Plain Torture - LOL!

I do believe the coaches enjoy doling out torture!  I really do hate bear crawls and we had to do musical wall balls with them for the warm up.  So not fair! 

I tried to get to at least 150 meters in the run without stopping.  I didn't make it.  But I will get there!  The last 800 meter run was brutal as I was so exhausted.  But I got to see the cop that gave me an escort thru the entire 5K.  I think she was amazed I was still doing CrossFit but she was happy for me and proud of me. 

Those kettle balls were tough and I think it was a 26lb weight but who knows other than the coach - LOL!  28 of those are exhausting! 

Those pull ups are just as tough.  My knees don't want to bend.  And we had 2 rounds of 28 of those. 

I have no idea about those jerk cleans we did.  I know I started out with 20lbs. and after 7 I was changed to 10lbs.  I wasn't complaining but the coach changed it so I guess he thought it was better to drop the weight down on the bar.  He knows best and I trust him. 

All I really do know is somewhere around 36 minutes later I was finally done!  And it felt good to get thru it all! 

I didn't get in any extra time with squats and I kind of figured with it being a Sat. it wouldn't happen.  That's okay.  But I plan to get some time in Mon. if nobody is on the floor when I get there. 

63 Burpees???

Tonight's WOD was killer!  I never thought I would see the end!  It was 3 rounds of 21 medicine wall balls, 21 knee to chest pull ups for me and 21 box jump burpees!  UGH!!!

I went in tonight determined to work on something before the WOD began.  I scoped out what all was being done and when everyone was done I got up and got what I needed.  Got the bands for the squats and got a box and a medicine ball and stayed determined.  The coach was helpful as he got my bands set up for me and gave me some coaching.  He even let me do the squats for my warm up while he did the warm up with the other folks.  I have to admit it was nice to be able to just focus and concentrate on my own.  What I don't understand is why I can do the squats for a bit and then my leg just stiffens up.  I went back and forth with the box and the medicine ball.  I never got my butt to the medicine ball but I sure tried.  If I get a chance tomorrow I'm going to try again and keep trying until I master these evil squats. 

Then it was time for the WOD...

I thought I was stretched out enough for the wall balls.  I kept trying and I think I got lower than usual probably half the time.  That last round was killer.  I was so tired. 

The knee to chest pull ups are hard and work everything in my body but they were the easiest of everything.  That doesn't mean they were easy though.  I did get up to 15 at one time without stopping eventually and that made me feel good. 

Now, those box jump burpees were just plain straight out murder!  I never got my confidence up and did a box jump (in my case I use a 45lb. weight).  I do better when I can do several at one time and can build my confidence up.  I wanted to ask if I could break it up into 3's but decided against it.  Those burpees just about killed me.  Doing a burpee and then a box jump and back to a burpee and another box jump and doing that 21 times kicks your butt!  And then to do it 3 times in a round.  I was determined to finish and I did. 

I feel good about it all but I am most proud of the fact that I took control and started on those squats on my own and was able to get some practice in.  I will master them.  Hopefully, like one of the guys tells me I'm going to walk in one day and just be able to do it.  I want that day to be now but until then I'm just going to keep practicing.  I haven't forgotten about the heights but it's one thing at a time.  I'll get there! 

One by One...

I had gotten to a place where I didn't get butterflies in my stomach when walking into the gym.  That has now changed.  My stomach is in knots.  I find myself running my fears through my head and trying to figure out how to conquer them over and over.  No matter how hard any of the coaches push me I just haven't achieved overcoming these fears.  I feel like the coaches are giving up on me sometimes.  I don't know if it's their frustration or mine or a little of both. 

I should have gone this morning to workout.  Admittedly, the coach's mood from Wed. has me scared.  But I will go tonight.  I'm determined to go in tonight and if nobody is working out I'm going to conquer those squats and if I'm unable to do that I'm going to grab a box and go in a corner and stand up on that box all by myself.  I'm going to accomplish something.  I don't know which but somehow and some way I'm going to.  I'm going to replace these butterflies with new challenges to overcome.  One by one...

UGH...

Today's WOD was tough.  The warm up was hard as it involved those evil jump ropes but I am proud to say I managed to get 2 of them right.  It's not much but it's 2 more than I've done before.  I definitely look at the jump ropes in a better light now. 

Now, for that 2,400 meter run that was broken into 800 meter sections that was HARD!!!  I think I did it in 31:09.  But I was fussed at for saying I'm not competitive.  Looks like that is something I am going to have to get over.  And with the saying of SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP!!! 

I think the hardest thing I'm having to deal with is I really screwed up by not taking advantage of working on those squats.  I don't like it when folks aren't in a good mood and the coach was not in a good mood and it scared me.  I need to learn to keep my humor down to a minimum at times.  It's just that I want everyone to be happy. 

 

Still Tough

Tonight's workout wasn't as intense but it worked me.  I had to laugh when the coach thought I said I did 10 burpees in a minute.  I'll get there one day but it isn't today.  But it did put a goal in my mind to achieve.  So I guess it was meant for him to think that.  I'm not used to having to do things in short amounts of time and move on to the next thing or another round so quickly.  It's a nice change but dang it makes me have to think harder - LOL!

Jumping rope really does still suck!  Who in the hell invented wire jump ropes???  Had to be some stupid idiot who couldn't tie a knot at each end with a rope!

Burpees can still go fly a kite without a parachute! 

Squats are well... just that... squats!  Hate them but I WILL accomplish getting them right by getting low enough and soon!!! 

Sit ups work the heck out of you before you know it. 

Kettle balls were easier with a lighter weight - LOL!  I think I used a 26lb. tonight and that sucker almost had me tipped over on the first one. 

It was all tough and I can feel it in my arms. 

World was Rocked

Today's WOD kicked my butt to somewhere across the pond.  The WOD's are getting tougher.  I was really trying to focus on going lower with the squats but I know that didn't happen a lot. 

My world got rocked with that whole stepping on a box without anything to hold on to.  I wanted to break down and cry.  I guess to really put it bluntly I wanted to scream!  Heights terrify me.  And then to hear anyone say they're just a few inches off the floor makes me feel worse.  I know it's not meant in a demeaning way but rather to encourage me that I can do it.  It's just too freakin' scary.  I have to find a way to get over it.  I talk to myself in my head saying I can do this but there's still something holding me back.  And that something is fear.  I can picture myself stepping up on the box in my mind but that fear just sticks it's neck out when it comes to reality. 

I hate it when I snap at the coach and I did that.  I know he said he can handle it but it always makes me feel bad.  That's just not who I am.  I don't like snapping at people.  I want everything to be happy and cheerful!  I was going to apologize but he had other things going on.  That's twice now in less than a week I've snapped at him.  So not me when it comes to snapping at folks especially someone who's trying to help me. 

But I was determined I wasn't going to cheat on this WOD (or any other for that matter) and do all the reps. 

I just have to focus on tomorrow and just do better. 

 

WTH???

So WTH is going on in my head???  I am so freakin' tired of my fears getting in the way.  I have got to find a way to get over it.  I was more than mad at myself today.  I didn't even complete everything in the WOD.  I'm not hurting anyone but myself when I do that.  This entire week has been so tough.  I know it's not going to get any easier but I have to master these squats. 

Yesterday, I went thru some things and found some rope and some bungee cords.  Today, I went outside and wrapped the rope around the tree and attached the bungee cord.  It's not the best of contraptions set up but I'm not accomplishing anything in my house using a stool to try to get low enough.  And since I was having to use a band at the gym I figure why not try a bungee cord.  It's not the greatest but it's working somewhat.  I have to keep making adjustments to it but my knees are bending.  I know I'm still not going low enough but I'm going to keep working at it between here and the gym.  I'm going to do this. 

This roller coaster of emotions has gotten the better of me and I can't have that.  After all, I'm not known for being the most sympathetic person in the world.  I have compassion but meltdowns are not my strength within myself.  I keep telling myself I can and will accomplish this as I have every other thing I've done in my life that was hard.  I looked back at my journal (to parts that aren't blogged about) when I converted and just pulled from that inner strength that I had to find because that was completely and totally on my own without any support network.  I do have a support network with this and I'm thankful but ultimately it's all my decision what I accomplish.  Nobody can do this for me.  I have to do this on my own.  Stay tuned... 

Step it Up

I think I felt the pressure that things are fixing to be stepped up a notch or two tonight and it's not going to be pretty.  But it's time.  I'm not pushing myself hard enough to do more and work harder.  I'm giving into the pain and that's not good.  I know it and the coach knows it.  He's not stupid that's for sure. 

Tonight's workout was just deadlifts.  I think I maxed out around 135lbs. 

It was also payback night for mine and one of the other gals PETA protests for bear crawls.  I loved her signs she made for us.  Still hate bear crawls. 

And then there was the after the workout was over I had to do squats.  I'm so scared to go that low.  It's hard to lean on my heels and not lean forward.  I had to hold onto bands and sit on the ball.  I couldn't do it for the fear.  I went from holding one band to holding 2 (one with each hand).  I fell right onto the ball as I knew I would.  I ended up having the coach hold on to my arms to get me to touch the ball with my butt.  He was determined I was going to do it one way or another.  And I'm told I will be continuing to work on these. 

Truth be told... I need to work on squats when I arrive early as long as it doesn't interfere with anyone already doing a WOD.  I need to do this on my own without being told. 

I'm hearing coach's voice get sterner and he's not going to back down.  It's time for me to step up to the plate. 

It's said be careful what you ask for.  I'm asking to be pushed and I'm getting it.  So, it's time to suck it up and do what I need to do. 

Pushing thru...

I just need to say it's been a brutal week for WOD's!  I'm beyond worked on these! 

The jumping pull ups are just hard.  I have really got to learn how to jump.  I have no doubt that I'm barely getting my feet off the floor and I know I rarely get my chin above the bar.  Not good! 

Kettle balls are heavy!  I used to didn't mind them but the weight has been increased and well...  they're not as easy anymore. 

Now jumping rope still needs to go fly a kite!  But that wiry thing called a jump rope got taken away from me as soon as the coach saw how horrible I am with it.  HMMM... not sure if that came from my FB comment or the chat with the other coach that he knew it wasn't going to be pretty.  So I had to jump without a rope.  Even that was hard as I was so tired.  But I think it was a good idea on the coaches' part to take the rope away from me and just focus on the jumping. Especially since I suck at jumping. 

I think I'm using my back more than I should still and those kettle balls let me know it. 

But I have to say talking with other CF members and just seeing the support and encouragement can make all the difference in the world with a workout.