My Roller Coaster of Emotions!

Sometimes I wish I could shut my mind off but it's been working overtime.  Doesn't it know I'm on vacation??? 

I found out quickly when I started CrossFit there is a big mental part of this getting healthy involved.  I wasn't quite prepared for that at the time but accepted it so I thought.  Now, as things are getting tougher because I can do more than I could a little over 2 months ago the mental challenge is getting tougher.  I guess I naively thought the mental part would go away as I got in this routine of working out.  WOW!  I was more than wrong!

Lately, my goal has been to master those evil squats and stand on a box without assistance.  I really want to conquer these 2 things so I can move on to other things and get stronger. 

For the last few weeks I've wanted to conquer my fear of heights by standing on a box and so many people have tried to help me and I'm so grateful for them.  It started with my meltdown last week and the coach pushed me HARD but I never accomplished getting on that box without his help. 

Everytime I look at that box I see it being 100 feet tall and my stomach just turns in knots.  Then I see me stepping on that box and it either falls over and I tumble or it crushes into pieces and down I go.  I've already had firsthand experience with the box trying to fall over and that terrified me.  What if that box breaks and can't hold me?  What happens when it tumbles and me and both the box go tumbling down?  What is the coach going to think or say?  I imagine for me, I would just want to crawl out of the gym. 

So when I get through those thoughts I stop and remember I have the most supportive people I've ever had surrounding me on this journey and just hope and pray they would help me get up and try again with another box.  After all, I'll have to replace a box if I crush it!

As for those squats, I need to just get over my fear of falling and let myself fall if that's what happens.  I hate pulling on those bands but they do help.  At the same time I am afraid they too will also break on me and can't help hold me.  Wonder where one gets bands at to replace them? 

The hardest part is putting aside all the teasing and taunting I got from my brothers growing up.  I don't understand why but all of that has flooded back into my mind lately.  They've never been the most supportive.  I should know by now after all these years to let it go.  Then at the same time I think finally I will show them!  I am going to get stronger and healthier most of all and they will have nothing to say to me now. 

So tonight, I will go in and if nobody is on the floor I'm going to work on something ahead of time.  And hope and pray for the best outcome called succeeding and not giving into these fears!  I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL ACCOMPLISH THIS!!!  I AM DETERMINED!!!  It's just so freaking hard but so worth it.