Staying in the Battle!

I had a feeling that monthly weigh in was going to be tonight.  I thought I was prepared and I actually did better than I thought I would.  I didn't break down and cry at least.  I was disappointed and discouraged that I only lost 14lbs. for the month of August.  I knew I wouldn't lose the 30lbs. as was the original goal.  After I had talked to one of the other coaches about the 30lbs. in 30 days and he was afraid of my being set up for disappointment I made my own goal.  I kept this goal to myself and didn't share with this coach or anyone until tonight. 

I don't think my coaches understand that when I say I'm going to do something I expect to make it happen.  When I agreed to this coach saying 30lbs. in 30 days I took it as my goal.  I know I screwed up the first week and only got 3 days right but I have gotten the last 21 days right and followed everything exactly.  So I don't understand why I couldn't at least lose 20lbs. in these 3 weeks.  I wanted to ask but that wasn't happening. 

The other thing that ticked me off was being called out about how much I lost in front of everyone.  This coach knows better than anyone in that gym I don't like that.  At one point I just wanted to yell at him to shut up.  I know better than to do so and luckily I kept quiet.  It seems like he loves to push my buttons sometimes.  I just don't understand why he thinks everyone needs to know everything.  Because as soon as he said something everyone else had an opinion and comment.  Sometimes I just want to keep things to myself until I've had a chance to digest the info.  I know I will go ham and cheese on him if he ever says my actual weight out loud to anyone.  I have put myself out there and left my comfort zone every other time he has asked me to.  That's just one button he really doesn't want to push.  This is one I won't stand for. 

So now that I've gotten that out of my system I feel better ;-)

So after listening to everyone and their 2 cents worth of comments I came home and digested the information.  Took me about an hour for my pity party.  I knew I wasn't giving up and I already knew I wasn't going to throw all my nutrition out the door.  I did have to deal with my coach telling me about my pissy attitude when I don't meet my goals.  My guardian angel must have been working overtime tonight because it kept me from saying some things. 

I just wish this coach understood how much I do care about getting healthy and that includes losing this weight and how seriously I take it.  I think I did hear him say he was happy with my 14lbs. weight loss. 

So it appears the same nutrition schedule is on track for September.  I don't know what the goal is for September or if there is one.  I know I would like to see 30lbs. for the month of September.  I know I want to lose 8 more pounds by the end of next week.  Not sure what the coach thinks is reasonable.  But I do know I want to kick nutrition's butt and meet my ultimate goal.   Wonder if he'll tell me what he thinks is a reasonable weight loss. 

Now, that I've vented that out I really don't want my coaches to change.  If this one wasn't tough on me I would've already given up.  

Staying in the battle! 

Concentrate

“Jet Fuel”
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 Push jerks (65lbs.)
2-4-6-8-10-12-14-16-18-20  Pullups

Time: 20:27

Always know when it looks easy on the whiteboard it isn't when you get in the gym.  I'm so frustrated with weight lifting.  My feet just won't come off the floor.  No matter how hard I concentrate and tell them to move they just don't. 

One day... is going to happen and I'm going to surprise myself and all of those coaches!!!  Then I'm going to have a celebratory drink!!!

Scripted WOD

8 x 2 clean (power or squat clean from the floor) - 75lbs.

Then…..

 

“Let’s Swing”
Complete the following for time:
400m run
21 American kettlebell swings (W:35#)
200m run
21 kettlebell swings
100m run
21 kettlebell swings
200m run
21 kettlebell swings
400m run

 

Time 22:45

 

I was told tonight I got my first R/X by doing the WOD scripted. 

 

That 35lb. kettle bell was so heavy but at the same time I was happy that it didn't knock me over.  The first time I tried to use a 35lb. kettle bell about 2 months ago it practically knocked me off my feet and I had to drop back down to the 26lb.  Those 4 rounds of 21 kettle bell swings were okay once I got going.  The first one was always the hardest but after that I managed to do at least 12 in a row.  I think I could've done all 21 without stopping but my hands got slippery and using gloves with kettle bells just doesn't work. 

 

Those runs were tough but I kept myself moving.  This is where I'm not so sure about this WOD being R/X.  I started out pretty good and found a pace even though it was slow but I figured out how to breathe that first 400 meters.  But after that I struggled.  I dropped to a power walk only for a few seconds during each run.  I wanted to push myself to keep going.  I was told since I kept moving and didn't stop that was acceptable.  In all honesty, I'm just proud of myself for keeping myself moving and not stopping.  My time may not have been pretty and the slowest on the board but I did it. 

 

The power cleans were tough but it was good to get back to the basics.  I try to talk my feet into helping my legs and hips to move and power up the bar.  One of these days I'm going to figure it out. 

 

 

Nutrition

Nutrition sucks!  I'm sticking to the nutrition plan of 1 regular day and 2 low carb days cycle.  I've done this for 19 days straight.  The first 2 weeks I felt so full and bloated after every meal/snack if not before I was finished.  This past week I've been hungry and even getting to a point that I want to eat before the 3 hours.  I feel like I can't eat enough food this week.  At the same time I'm so tired of eating every 3 hours. 

Then there is that huge mistake I made by stepping on the scale the other day.  I had almost gotten to the point that I accepted the fact that I wouldn't make the goal of 30lbs. lost this month and had made my own goal of 20lbs.  After all, if 30 lbs. in a month was supposed to be doable then 20lbs. in 21 days should be.  Right now, I don't even think I'll even lose 10lbs. this month.  This really sucks!

I've stuck to the nutrition plan for 19 days strict now.  No cheats unless allowed by the 1 meal and even then I didn't go overboard. 

I have no idea what day this weigh in will take place whether it be the end of this week or the first of next week but I am afraid of the disappointment if I don't meet the goals I came up with.  The coach did make a sarcastic remark to me that when I don't make my goals he has to listen to me bitch, grip and complain and be upset.  I am trying to figure out how to change all that.  But when I don't meet my goals that I have agreed to or set up on my own I don't take it too well.  It's just that it's so personal to me and this is something I want to do.  I have tried for years and years and never succeeded.  I want this and I want this for me!   I hold myself accountable when I don't make my goals.  I need to find a way to suck it up and not let my attitude take over if this weigh in doesn't go the way I want it to.  I don't want to break down and cry if I don't make my goals.  But then again this coach doesn't like tears.  But sometimes having to be tough and suck it up is harder for me than this coach can imagine. 

But for now, I'm sticking with the nutrition plan!

Kettle Bells

“Are we there yet?”

20 KB snatch (R arm) 12lb.
20 KB sit up to standing 12lb.
20 KB snatch (L arm) 12lb.
20 KB sit up to standing 12lb.
20 Box jumps (16 inch - small box short side)
20 toes to bar
20 box jumps (16 inch - small box short side)
20 toes to bar

 

Time: 20:19

Tonight's WOD was interesting.  Started out with a wall ball team run.  Then there was a 5 minute work on whatever you want time.  I'm just horrible with making decisions like that.  I'd rather just go into the WOD and spend that 5 minutes doing a stretch after the WOD.  I couldn't wait for that 5 minutes to be over and it felt like it lasted forever. 

I tried using the 26lb. kettle bell but that only lasted 10 times.  I switched to the 12lb. after that. 

The kettle bell sit up to standing made me dizzy and I wasn't even trying to stand up.  I haven't figured these out yet but when I do I'll be trying to stand up. 

Instead of using weights to stand on I used the box and I think it's 16 inches.  I can get up using my left leg but have yet to master it using my right leg.  I never got the courage up to jump down but gave it a lot of thought.  I'll get there. 

 

 

 

 

 

Being a Little Bitchy...

“Holleyman“
30 rounds for time of:
5 Wall ball shots, 14 pound ball
3 push-ups
 75 pound Power clean, 1 rep

Time: 41:11

Tonight's WOD was so hard.  I'm just way too freakin' slow.  I heard the coach very clearly about just pushing through and not stopping.  I went into this WOD thinking I could move straight through from one thing to the next.  OMFG!!!  It was so much harder than it looked on the board.  I know the coach was tired of waiting on me to finish.  Anytime I see him doing a warm up while I'm doing the WOD I know I'm way too slow.  I did push myself but I was so exhausted it was hard to keep going at times. 

Those wall balls suck but I stepped it up to a 14lb ball.  I've been wanting to try using the 14lb. ball and thought tonight's WOD would be okay since it was only 5 wall balls at a time.  That 14lb ball was so heavy but I think I'm going to stick with it from now on.  Think this is the only thing I didn't feel scaled back on tonight. 

Well, I just realized I was supposed to be doing hand released push ups tonight.  Either the coach didn't care or wasn't paying attention to let me know I wasn't doing them right as I was doing regular push ups.  Kind of ticks me off that yes, I knew it when the WOD was reviewed and forgot the entire WOD.  Wish the coach had reminded me but that didn't happen. 

The power clean was okay.  But I did feel cheated when I didn't get to add 2 10's and had to add 2 5's instead to the bar.  I completely get that I couldn't do the 95lbs. but I really would've like to have tried to do the 85lb. before scaling back to 75lbs.  I don't know why the coach does that to me but I feel like lately he's holding me back.  I'd rather try and not get it than have too light of weights on the bar all at once. 

And what's up with no stretching after the WOD's at all lately from any of the coaches???  I know I'm slow and usually last to finish but sometimes I'd really like to have time to stretch instead of finishing the WOD and heading straight out the door. 

Guess I'm getting a little bitchy tonight since some things are on my mind.  I need to just breathe and let things be.  I also need to remember the coach knows best.  Just because I want something my way doesn't mean I'm going to get it and I have to accept that.  The coaches know best and they're the ones watching so I need to learn to just do as they say and remember they have their reasons whether it be for me to have lighter weights to speed me up and keep up the intensity or any other multitude of reasons they may have. 

I feel like I got a workout and I do prefer the WOD's that kick my butt than those that don't.  Time to get some sleep and not be so bitchy for tomorrow's WOD.  I really do have good trainers!

Accomplishments

“CrossFit Total“
Back squat, 1 rep - 145lbs.
Shoulder Press, 1 rep - 75lbs.
Deadlift, 1 rep - 235lbs.

I increased my lifts on all 3 tonight! 

I went up 10lbs. on my deadlift. 

The shoulder press I went up 5lbs. 

I went up 20lbs. with the back squat.

But my biggest accomplishment that I'm proud of is being able to step up on the small 20 inch box without holding on to anything or the wall.  It took me about 5 tries but I finally did it.  Now, my next accomplishment is to step up with my right foot.  My left foot is easier to step up on but my right foot easier to step down with.  I'm going to continue to work on these!  Time to switch it up!

A Little of Everything

“The Kitchen Sink”For time: 36:28
25 Walking lunge steps
20 Pull-ups
50 Box jumps, 20 inch box
20 Double-unders - 60 singles
25 Ring dips
20 Knees to elbows
30 Kettlebell swings, 2 pood - 26lbs.
30 Sit-ups
20 Hang squat cleans, 35 pound bar
25 Back extensions - Good Mornings
30 Wall ball shots, 14 pound ball
3 Rope climb ascents - 6 progressions

The WOD looked horrible and it was but at the same time it was challenging.  I felt like it would never end but it finally did.  I learned that I can't use gloves on the bar very well as I kept slipping so I took them off and then was told the rope progressions would be easier without gloves and they were. 

I almost got one knee down for the lunges.  I tried them at home and everytime I keep falling.  I have the worst balance. 

I finally moved the weights away from the wall and stepped up on them.  I didn't get the nerve up to jump down but I'm working on it.  I do want to try stepping up on one of the boxes in the next day or two.  I just feel like I need to do that for self confidence.  I need to quit getting scared to try and just do it. 

Those jump ropes get the best of me but I'm going to learn to jump higher so that rope keeps going around me.  That rope is so intimidating but I'm going to defeat it before it defeats me again!

Think I want to try a 35lb. kettlebell and see if I can handle it.  The 26lb. is a good weight and it challenges me but I just want to try something a little harder.  Might try it when there's not a lot of reps at once to do.

Those hang squat cleans still suck!  I still don't know how to do them either.  I am so confused when I try to do this.  I just can't figure out when to squat.  It's not supposed to be that hard but for some reason I just can't get it in my head but I will one day.  I only touched that ball half of those reps but it's better than none at all. 

I didn't get to use the ball for the squats for the wall balls.  I don't know if it was due to time or what but that's what the coach wanted.  I know I was exhausted by the time I got to them so it really didn't phase me when I was told I didn't have to set up for the squats.  I just know me that if I don't have that target to touch I won't go that low.  I was doing the wall balls either way.  But I'm thinking it's really time to pretend that ball is there when it's not and squat low enough.

Suck Up the Frustration and Get Over It!

“The Horrible Hundred”
25 deadlifts (115#)
25 squat clean and jerks (70#)
25 thrusters (45#)
25 overhead squats (35#)

Time:  18:49 (I think I forgot to look at my time)

I think I did good on the deadlifts and kept a steady pace.  Nothing was said to me so I take that as a good thing. 

Now, those squat clean and jerks messed with my head.  I screwed those up royally.  I know it shouldn't be that hard but I stayed so confused.  I couldn't get my squat at the right time and then trying to jump for the jerk part.  I know the coach was getting irritated at me but I couldn't figure it out.  I kept thinking and trying to get it right.  I was picturing how to do it in my head and nothing clicked for me at any time. 

Thrusters weren't that hard but I still didn't squat low enough but I was trying to remember to push up with my legs to send the bar up so I didn't use my arms as much. 

Overhead squats still suck but I felt like I did okay keeping the bar over my head but then again my squats sucked. 

So overall, my squats sucked tonight.  I should have just stopped and gotten the wall ball and forced myself to use it to make sure I got the squats right.  I just really wanted to get something right tonight.  I am trying not to use my arms so much with the weights but then again I'm not succeeding.  I don't know what to do to make it click in my head to transfer that info to my body.  I know the coach is tired of my frustration and complaining so that I need to change.  I really have to work on not letting my frustration get the best of me as that's when I start complaining and whining about things.  I really want to figure out all this stuff.  Part of me didn't want to go to this WOD but cherry picking isn't good either.  But sometimes I don't want to bother the coaches with my frustration.  Then the stubbornness in me kicks in and I know if I don't go and try I'll never figure it out. 

I just have to suck it up and fight through it all.  I have to learn to take my frustration and turn it into energy and motivation and push through it all.  Tomorrow is a new day so I'm going to do my best and stay positive and hope something clicks and I get something right.  But, I'm not going to give up! 

 

10,000 deadlift

Team wod

 

20 min AMRAP

 

In teams of 2

10,000 lb total deadlift, team chooses weight

125lbs. for 40 lifts each

 

Then…

45 cal row ( 15 cal sprints)
45 thrusters (45 lb)

 

This was so much harder than it looked on the board.  I wanted to do the 150lbs. for the deadlift but when having to do 10 at a time and after trying a few out ahead of time something told me to drop it to 125lbs.  Luckily my team partner was good with that as he can lift more than I can.  One thing I don't like about team WOD's and AMRAPS is I don't feel like I can take the time to do some of the lifts correctly as I'm rushing.  At the same time I know I need to speed things up as I've been told.  I don't like holding others back either.  Guess I really have a lot to work on. 

One day I'm going to figure out these lifts.  There are times when I see the lifts like tomorrow and think about sitting it out and not going.  Then I hear all the coaches words in my head saying if I do that I'll never get better.  Just want that one day to happen soon that I figure out how to use my hips and legs and power that bar up without just using my arms.  I'm going to figure it out.  I'm going to learn to pop my hips and keep my arms straight and outward. 

Still need to work on everything else.  Guess it's time to do those squats.  I've done okay at home doing them but nowhere near as good as I could be doing.  Time to make some changes to that and makes improvements!

More Focus

“Fabulous 50”Buy-in: Row 1000m
50 Power Cleans (55lbs)
50 GHD Situps (sub toes to bar)
50 Shoulder to Overhead (55lbs)
50 Box Jump - 4 45lb. weights
50 Jumping Pullups
Cash-out: 200 Single Jump Ropes

I knew tonight's WOD was going to be a doozy.  But I am proud of myself for not letting my frustration get the best of me and kept going. 

I really just don't like rowing.  I know it's good for you but that 1,000 meters is tough. 

I really want to figure out these lifts.  I was concentrating in my head for a good bit of them trying to remember to use my hips and legs but I don't think I succeeded once.  One of these days I'm going to surprise me and the coaches and figure the lifts out. 

I thought about jumping down off those weights for those box steps but I was already slowing down I wasn't about to cause myself to go slower.  I'll try it sometime.  Thinking I might try stepping on an actual box too.  I feel like I can do it.  Maybe there will be time before class tomorrow and I can give these things a try. 

While I think it was a good workout there are things I need to work on.  I really need to focus on keeping my intensity up and moving quicker like the trainer says I need to.  I didn't too good in that area tonight but that will change.  Have to figure out those lifts.  Me and those box jumps are going to figure each other out one day. 

Don't Piss Me Off... I Will Show You!

Power clean
5 @50% - 35lbs.
3 @80% - 55lbs.
1 @90% - 65lbs
1 @110% - 95lbs. - Didn't make this. 

 

Then

 

“Red Hot Barbells”
9 minute AMRAP
 

6 Power cleans (35#}
6 Front squats(35#)
6 Push Press (35#)
6 Overhead squats (PVC Pipe)

 

4 Rounds + 6 Power Cleans + 1 Front Squat

 

So we already know I need to quit using my arms as much and use my legs and hips to power up my lifts.  DAMN!!!  I'll figure it out sometime.  I really do concentrate on doing it right but I just haven't succeeded yet.  But I will! 

 

So I got threatened to be given a box again for squats.  Problem is I think the trainer was serious.  And he knows how much I don't want that box back.  But his threats can become real.  I realized then I better step it up or I'll get that box back and then have to deal with controlling my frustration.  I'm really not in the mood to digress but sometimes I feel like that's what is happening. 

 

So when it came time to set up for the AMRAP I decided I better get my weight and wall ball for my squats.  Now whether the next comment from the trainer was said to piss me off and make me show him or if he just said it to be saying it I'm not sure.  But when he asked me why I was getting my weight and wall ball because I wouldn't touch it anyway he succeeded in pissing me off.  I was not putting it back for anything at that point.  I have to admit I had to keep myself in check at that point because I wanted to snap on him.  But I touched that wall ball EVERY TIME!!!  I didn't have the prettiest of lifts but my butt touched that wall ball.  So if it was said in order to piss me off to do it then he succeeded.  If not, oh well... I did it anyway! 

 

 

 

 

Hanging in There!

For time:  27:57

65 pound Thruster, 15 reps
Run 200 meters
55 pound Thruster, 20 reps
Run 400 meters
45 pound Thruster, 30 reps
Run 800 meters

I got my butt kicked again with the WOD but it was a good one.  I like these that challenge me and push me. 

The warm up was hard.  The wall balls were not by best at all.  But I did try to squat lower even without having a ball under me. 

The walking lunges weren't as bad as I thought I was going to dread them.  I just need to learn to bend my back knee and walk forward with the other leg.  I was doing it backwards.  Once I do that I just need to learn to keep my balance and bring myself back up.  For the first time I felt like I will actually be able to learn how to do these. 

Now, the jump ropes are one of my biggest fears and when they came up today I felt my stomach just drop to the floor.  But I got to love the trainer as he just ignored the look on my face as he went through the warm up instructions.  I know the look was there.  But I got through the 60 jump ropes and even got up to 10 in a row once.  I was proud of those times where I got more than 2 in a row. 

Those thrusters got the better of me.  I never got low enough with the squats but I was trying so hard at the end.  I was disappointed but I was also proud of myself not to let that frustration get the best of me and kept trying. 

The runs were full of exhaustion.  I was so tired.  And that hill gets the best of me.  I did try to keep going especially on that 800 meters.  I was trying to continue to take big strides in my step when I wasn't running like the trainer told me to. 

But I left feeling good about what I did.  I'll just keep on trying harder and pushing myself harder. 

And I have 10 days behind me on this nutrition plan!  I sure hope I lose some weight with this or I might have to get some boxing gloves for me and that trainer because I'll be mad - LOL!  Although, he can kick my butt with those too. 

CrossFit and Judaism Meet

Today has been a day of rest and relaxation from any type of workout.  After 2 days of hellish WOD's and lots of disappointments I didn't have it in me to go for a 3rd day in a row.  But I have been doing a lot of soul searching about this journey. 

Do I really want this?  YES!  That is why I push myself so hard to workout. 

But lately it's just been a nagging headache.  I've lost that enthusiastic person I was when I first started this journey.  I MISS HER!!!  I NEED HER TO COME BACK!!!  I walked into this gym 6 months ago with lots of fear but at the same time seeing possibilities of getting myself healthy and losing weight and inches.  I NEED THAT ENTHUSIASM TO COME BACK!!! 

I never knew this journey would be so difficult.  When reading other peoples stories and listening to others it's like they're perfect and nothing is difficult.  How does anyone get through these struggles without disappointments and frustrations? 

Last night I went to my synagogue and the rabbi's sermon was just what I needed to hear.  It was as if G-d was speaking straight to my heart.  This time of year being Jewish can be a struggle as we work so diligently in these 28 days leading up to our new year to clean our slate so to speak.  It's a time to trash all that excess and useless data and stuff that has been hanging around all year.  Meaning, we ask for teshuvah (repentance) from those we've sinned against.  It's a time to clear out all that excess baggage.  Well, in that process I'm trying to sort out how to stay on this journey of getting healthy.  After all, it's a mitzvah (commandment) to be healthy in the Jewish faith. 

I have looked in too many directions for help and guidance and that has messed with my thinking which messes with my actions of doing what I need to do to get healthy.  Some people think I'm doing this for the trainer/coach and that can't be farther from the truth.  I walked in that gym on my own with a goal on my mind and didn't consult anyone about why outside of just getting opinions about CrossFit from a few people.  Now, it's time to get back to that person I was when I walked in  focused on me and my goals.  I have 3 trainers that have known me from the beginning of this journey and I have to put my faith in them with their guidance.  I have to quit listening to everyone else and if that means not talking to them as far as confiding in them then that is what I need to do. 

I've been working on getting back to ME and doing what is right for ME.  Now, it's time!  I want this for me and nobody else. 

I've stayed on the nutrition plan now for 8 days straight.  The first week before these 8 days was hard and I made some mistakes but did get 3 of those days correct.  So now, it's time to get through the rest of the month and see how this nutrition plan really works.  Some days like today I feel so stuffed and feel like I can't eat anymore.  Then other days I've been hungry.  It doesn't make sense to me but I'll reevaluate with the trainer the first of next month with the results and hope for the best. 

For now, I'm going to take things one day at a time and do my best and give it my all!  And get back to that person with the enthusiasm I had on day one and bring it to now, 6 months later! 

No Posting of Time

“Chili Pepper”

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1  Front Squat (35lbs)
20-.40-60-80-100-60-70-80-90-100  Single Jump Ropes
*Front squats come from the ground, no racks.

Time: 60:09

Today's WOD was horrible and I was even scaled back halfway through on the jump ropes.  I even asked the coach not to post my time.  I get that HERO WOD's usually take the average person an hour but this was just a regular WOD.  If I hadn't been scaled back halfway through the jump ropes it would have taken me probably an hour and a half.  I was so glad I had the coach I had this morning as she understands me and gets me and how I feel.  She just has an approach that is compassionate but she still pushes me to do all that I can and then some.  Gosh, I miss her now that she's not coaching on a regular basis with us.  She saw how exhausted I was getting with the jump ropes and her approach to modify them was one that didn't send me further into frustration than I already was.  I was so tired and frustrated I had tears mixed in with my sweat.  I wanted to give up so badly and just quit.  I probably thought it about 50 times.  I can't honestly say I'm glad I finished this WOD.  This one was just beyond tough. 

9 minute AMRAP

9 minute AMRAP

 

9 Kettlebell swings - 26lbs.
9 hand release push ups

 

Rounds - 6 plus 4 push ups.

Wondering...

 

5×3 Front Squat - 55lbs.

 

Then…

 

Complete as many rounds as possible in 15 minutes of:
 

10 Kettlebell swings, 2 pood - 26lb.
10 Box jumps, 24 inch box - Used 4 45lb. weights
10 Ring dips - Used a box

 

I typically do not like AMRAPS and dread them because I just don't feel like I get a good workout or have the time to focus on what I need to improve on but tonight wasn't bad.  I actually felt like it was a good workout when I was done.  Still don't like being timed but I guess it's a good thing for the coaches. 

 

I think it might be time to try to up the ketllebell to 35lbs.  I tried it a month ago or so and it sent me backwards but wonder if it's time to try again.  Now, the 26lb. is not easy but think I might give it a try. 

 

I feel like I'm getting better at the step up using the weights.  I'm not holding onto the wall anymore when I step up which I'm glad about.  Now stepping down off the weights is a little harder but I'm getting better.  Got to thinking tonight if maybe I should jump off the weights and start getting used to that part of a real box jump.  Not sure if it would help my confidence or not but then that's what the trainers are for... let them decide ;-) 

 

I just don't like doing dips on the box.  Think I'd get a better workout doing push ups.  Seems like the same thing to me. 

 

It was a good WOD! 

Wall Balls

Tonight's WOD didn't look enticing at all.  But I sucked it up and did it!

“Karen”
150 Wall balls for time

17:53

It doesn't look like much but it is.  I got my weights out again  for my squat part of the wall balls.  It just about killed this flat footed girl but I stuck it out. 

Even as painful as it was I had a goal to do it in less than 20 minutes and I succeeded in 17:53.

Never take your eyes off that wall ball after you toss it to the line (I think it's now 9ft) because you will get clobbered - LOL! I think I'm going to have some bruises!

That being said I don't want to see Karen come around again ;-)

Goals

Last night's WOD was TOUGH!  I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through it.  But even before then I had some hurdles to climb over.  So the entire time of the WOD I was hoping for courage to give me the strength to do what I needed to do. 

3 rounds for time of:  33:45

20 sumo deadlift high pulls (M:75#/W:55#)
20 box jumps (M:20″/W:14″)
20 push press (M:75#/W:55#)
20 wall balls (M:20#-10′/W:14#-9′)

I just couldn't get it together on sumo deadlifts.  I made sure my hands were placed in the middle but I always seemed to have the bar leaning one way or the other.  Next time I need to ask what I'm doing wrong. 

For box jumps I stepped on 4 45lb. weights.  It was a challenge as I struggle with heights but I found myself having a harder time of stepping down than stepping up.   Guess maybe that trainer is right I'm scared of falling more than I'm scared of being up high.  But I think next time I'll move the weights a little farther from the wall so I don't do the merry go round stepping from one side to the other - LOL!  Maybe I provided some entertainment for the trainer ;-)

I really did work on using my hips for the push presses.  At times I could feel it was easier to get the bar up over my head but other times I didn't.  I'll just keep working on it. 

Those wall balls are killing me!  But I went and got my weights and wall ball for the squat part.  I remember my butt touching the wall ball probably half of the time.  In fact,  at one point I think the trainer was having a moment and got me another weight for the squat part ;-) 

It was a tough WOD but I really do prefer these over the ones that are either AMRAPS or set numbers. 

So, I had been discussing and most of all thinking what I was going to put on the goal board and when.  I finally decided Mon. afternoon I was going to do it.  I sucked it up and put how much weight I want to lose total.  I still want to erase it but it's staying.  I didn't cry to my surprise.  I was questioned by 2 members about it and they're thinking it was too much to lose.  I was proud of myself for staying in the conversation and not walking away which is what I usually do. 

I'm making baby steps and as long as I continue to progress and improve I should be okay. 

Time to Relinquish Control

I have no desire to relive the last 48 hours of my life ever again.  No do overs for me.  I have been broken down into a million tiny pieces and I really didn't know how I would ever figure out how to put myself back together again.  I tried to work on figuring that out Friday night but never quite got there.  So, Saturday afternoon I called a friend and we met up and I cried my heart out.  I just needed to vent out everything I was feeling from the anger, hatred, fears and then back to the laughter and happiness in all those tears that kept pouring out of me.  If that's what the coach wanted to have happen then he more than succeeded.  I had no idea Friday night which way I was going.  Everytime I would go to think about everything discussed I was in tears.  I got to a point I just didn't want to move. 

As we talked and I got everything out something just clicked and I found myself finding that inner strength to move forward and fight this battle.  I knew if I gave up I would regret it and always look back wishing I hadn't.  I now want to fight and win this battle over the weight.  I know it's going to be hard but I really do want to get healthy and reach my goals. 

The trainer wants my goals out there for everyone to know.  Scares the hell out of me to be that vulnerable.  That's like letting all my insecurities out there for everyone to know. 

So today I spent a lot of time thinking about everything we discussed on Friday.  Nothing I have done has ever worked over 20lbs of weight loss and at the most 6 months.  I'm at the 6 month mark.  Do I want this?  YES!!!  How bad do I want this?  Since nothing I have ever done has really done anything for me except keep me on this merry go round of trying to lost weight I have to make some changes. 

With that being said I have to relinquish control of what I eat and follow the rules of the trainer.  I have to quit looking everywhere for other answers to my questions only to get conflicting responses.  I walked into that gym 6 months ago wanting this lifestyle change and to get healthy by losing this weight.  I put my trust in the trainers for the WOD's now it's time to put my trust and faith in my trainer and his nutrition plan.  I have to do this his way if I want the results.  It's hard to give someone else that kind of control but I clearly haven't made any progress on my own.  So it's time! 

Humpty Dumpty

I think I know how Humpty Dumpty felt when he fell off the wall and broke into a million little pieces and had to be put back together.  Difference is I'm the one left to put me back together.  That was one conversation I don't ever want to have again.  I feel like I've had to walk to the end of a plank and with the decision to sink or swim.  Curling up in a fetal position and crying is not an option.  I'm tired. 

I feel like hyperventilating when I think of writing my goals on that board.  And even more so when I think about answering any questions as to why I have specific goals.  I'm not there right now. 

I was nowhere near prepared for all these emotional tolls that come with this lifestyle change involving CrossFit.  Nothing has ever pushed me to my limits and beyond like this before.  I've always been the strong, independent, opinionated one that knew what direction to take.  I've always been the one to help someone else pick the pieces back up when they fell apart.  Now, being the one who needs help on the other side of that wall is scary as hell and I don't like it. 

 

Now to take lots of deep breaths and decide what I want to do...

 

Time to remember why I walked through those CrossFit doors to begin with and pull from that determination to make this lifestyle change. 

 

Time to swim through this and come out on the other side by hitting the finish line. 

 

Curling up in that fetal position will get me nowhere. 

 

Time for the pieces of this puzzle to be put back together and focus on the goal. 

 

Head Games

“Jared”
4 rounds for time of:
 
Run 800 meters
20 Pull-ups
35 Push-ups

Time: 54:56

I am more than tired of the mental baggage getting the best of me.  I just don't think running is my thing as it gives me too much time to think and lets things get the best of me.  I wanted to just sit down and cry during each round and almost did.  I had already figured the WOD would be scaled at least for me.  A few people did the R/X version but most of us did the scaled down version.  I contemplated scaling down the already scaled version down with just a 400 meter run.  It's not that I wanted to scale it back anymore than it was already but I just know how slow I am when it comes to running.  I struggled with not pushing myself hard enough if I dropped the run down to 400 meters.  The more I thought about it I felt like I was letting myself down as well as the coaches I have worked with these past 6 months.  So I left it at the 800 meters and struggled through it.  That was so hard. 

Those pull ups were more mental than anything tonight.  I am so self conscious about hearing my stomach and boobs flop around during exercises. And tonight it was like everytime I jumped I had echo of my stomach flopping around.  Usually the music is loud enough to drown that sound out but not tonight.  I just wanted to sit down on that box I was standing on and curl up into a ball and cry.  Actually I had a few tears but since I was sweating so much nobody could tell the difference. 

My push ups sucked.  But I did manage to get my knees off the ground but not by much and I know my form was hideous. 

Then hearing the doors shut to the gym as I was in the middle of my run on that last round shut me down even more.  I was behind the shopping center we run around at the top of a hill and heard those doors shut and then as I'm coming down the hill I saw them shut.  I just about stopped and lost it right there.  If I didn't have to go back in that gym to get my purse and keys I would have just left at that point.  And then to see the coach coming around the corner to see where I was in the run really didn't help me mentally at that point.  I just felt more rushed at that point. 

The coach let me finish the WOD but I just felt rushed to finish so the one's that did wait around for me could go home. 

There is never any stretching after the class I go to and I guess it's because everyone does want to go home.  Heck, I want to go home as I've normally worked all day and gone straight to the WOD.  But I don't enjoy having to pick myself up off the floor and head straight out the door with my heart racing to the sky.  At least give me 5 minutes.  I know I'm slow but it's not intentional.  I am trying to get faster.  I wish I could run and keep going and not stop so much but I do keep walking fast.  But when I hit those mental walls I feel so screwed.  I am proud of myself for not quitting because I really wanted to many times.  I don't even know who cleaned up my stuff tonight.  It was probably cleaned up before I was done. 

So I cried all the way home and continued to cry as I talked this out with a friend.  I have to figure out how to get all this mental crap out of my head and just say screw it and not let things get to me.  I don't want to start cherry picking the WOD's or even the coaches but I'm close to it. 

Evil Squats

Fifteen rounds of:

Power snatch followed immediately by five overhead squats.


What started out as what I thought would be a night of frustration actually ended in being a very productive WOD!  Granted the coach had to bring me out of my frustration but I came out of it.  Got to work on those evil squats.  Started out having a wall ball sitting on top of a 45lb. weight and 15lb. weight and using a PVC pipe for the overhead squats.  I got my butt to the wall ball. 

In it's own weird way when the coach made me just sit on the wall ball it brought some reassurance to me.  Not sure I like him being in my head and knowing what I'm thinking but it did help - LOL!  I have been afraid the wall ball wouldn't hold me by allowing me to sit on it. 

So I made sure my butt kept hitting the ball.  At one point the coach removed the 15lb. weight.  It was still a struggle to get even that much lower but I kept trying.  The coach put a 5lb. weight back under the ball and that helped.  But for the last few rounds that I did I took that 5lb. weight off.  I was determined to keep working on getting low enough.  I'm going to keep working on these evil things called squats and get it right one day. 

I came out feeling accomplished!  And for that I'm proud of myself. 

Keeping it in Check

I saw my frustration level hit once again.  I tried to hide it but evidently I wasn't as good at it tonight as I was last night.  I just can't get the hang of using my hips and shoulders for those lifts.  I can imagine myself doing it in my head but when it comes to doing it I end up using my arms and curling the bar and push pressing it.  I just wanted to get it right once.  I didn't do that tonight but I will one day.  I'm not going to give up.   I am going to work on keeping my frustration hidden a little better though. 

2 Power Cleans EMOM for 8 minutes

75lbs.

 

then…

“Tabata Something Else“
Complete 32 intervals of 20 seconds of work followed by ten seconds of rest where the first

8 intervals are pull-ups - 67 
8 are push-ups - 44
8 intervals are sit-ups - 50 
8 intervals are squats - 34

Total 195

This exercise sucked!  My arms were so tired by the end.  The main thing I focused on were the squats.  I didn't get many in but I was so determined to have my butt hit that ball.  I knew if I didn't have that ball under me to hit I would have done a lot more but then I wouldn't have been going low enough.   I sometimes wonder if the coach is going to toss that box back at me because I'm still having difficulty hitting the ball.   I just don't want that box back.

No WOD in my opinion

Tonight's WOD was interesting.  I had forgotten how heavy deadlifts can be.  But I'm determined to work towards my deadlift goal. 

Now, I wasn't happy about only getting to do air squats instead of attempting to do front squats.  I understand they want me to get low enough on the squats but it is discouraging to do them the entire WOD.  But I kept my frustration in check until I left the gym.  I'm working on getting better at doing that.  I do know I didn't put forth the effort as hard as I normally would.  I really need to work on that when I do get frustrated.  So I really don't feel like I did a WOD tonight.

I'm so tired of doing jumping pull ups but I do understand I'm not at a point to progress.  I just wish there was something different I could do to get me to that point. 

I just wasn't into running tonight especially that last 400 meters.  I had no desire to be out there. 

This is just one of those suck it up buttercup nights.  I'm not mad at the coach as I know he just wants me to get better.  I just get so frustrated because I'm going into my 6th month of doing this and feel like I haven't progressed anywhere with squats.  Now, I am so glad to get rid of that freakin' box.  I hate those boxes more than anyone can imagine what I really want to do to them. 

My highlights were the girls running with me on the 400 meters.  It's always fun to have them encouraging me.  One says she can't climb the rope but wants to so I told her we needed to learn together.  And the other one puts me to shame on those rings so maybe she can teach me that one day when I get better with my arm strength. 

Trying to remember to see the positive and just work through the negative and turn it into a positive. 

After the 5K several of us went back to the box and did the WOD.  I thought it was interesting how everyone told me and one of the other girls we were crazy for going back and doing the WOD and they all came back and did it too. 

For time:  16:27
55 pound Thruster, 30 reps
15 foot Rope climb, 9 rope progressions
55 pound Thruster, 20 reps
15 foot Rope climb, 9 rope progressions
55 pound Thruster, 10 reps
15 foot Rope climb, 9 rope progressions

I was determined to do the most that I could do on the thrusters.  That 55lbs. was heavy.  I was going to push myself.  I felt like several people wanted me to drop the weight down to 45lbs. but that just seemed too light when I first did it in the warm up.  The coach didn't tell me to drop the weight but I had wondered if he wanted to but due to how things went on Wed. if he just didn't want to do that to me.  I did it and am proud of myself for sticking through it even if others didn't think I should have pushed myself. 

I hate rope progressions but I like them too because they intrigue me.  I want to get to the top of that rope one day.  I know it's a long ways off but I want to. 

Another 5K

Yesterday started out with a 5K run.  I was more prepared for this one than the last one I did.  I am glad I was prepared to be out there all by myself.  I knew those that said they were staying back with me wouldn't which is why I kept repeating everyone go at their pace and not mine.  I didn't want to set myself up to make things harder than I already knew they would be.  Had I not been prepared for that it would've been that much harder mentally.  I learned a long time ago most folks don't do what they say they're going to do. 

I did know 1 person would come back for me and we had talked about it.  Just to see her coming towards me meant so much to me and reminded me of the coach who came back for me for the first one.  The others did come back for me eventually but that first one made all those emotions I went through for that run worth it.  I do have to realize that running for all the others is a million times easier for them than it is me. 

The group I went to this run with have no idea what it takes for me to sign up, show up and actually do the run.  There is no way I can explain what I go through emotionally.  I think there are only 2 people that can come close to understanding what I go through and 1 is the person who came back for me and the other is the main trainer/coach at CrossFit because those are the 2 that when I've talked to them about doing the 5K they listen and hear me and talk to me.  It's not all hype with them and they do seem to understand how scared I get.  Now the trainer/coach doesn't let me give in to my fears but he's honest and straightforward with me and doesn't sugar coat anything.  Now, it's hard to hear sometimes (well all of the time) but at least I'm not left wondering what he thinks about what I say.  And he'll probably never know how much it means to me that when we had the WOD to run 2 miles and he ran that last 800 with me the things he said to me about breathing, how long to run for and how long to walk really stuck with me just as his pushing me to keep going.  Just having that conversation going through my head during this run was like having him there running with me and it kept me going.  And when I wanted to give up I just put his words back in my head and kept going.  Sometimes the little things that people do can make the biggest impact. 

My time ended up being 56:56

I wanted 55 minutes.  I know I should be happy about that time since my first one was over an hour but I'm not.  I am proud of myself for doing the run and finishing it.  Just not the time.  I feel like in 5 months at doing CrossFit I should have been able to make that in 55 minutes.  I slowed down to a walk too many times and for too long.  I don't feel like I pushed myself hard enough.  I let the emotional baggage get the best of me too many times out there on that path.  And all my emotions came out last night on my way home.  So glad I was by myself when it did. 

I will do another one but not anytime soon. 

Staying on the Path

I still didn't like the warm up but I did it.  I don't think the coaches, especially the male coaches think about some of the things they come up.  Seriously, jumping over someone or their body parts... REALLY???  I was not in the mood to injure anyone.  But I was surprised I didn't get pushed to do more than I did.  And then the over and under someone.  I realize the guys don't have breasts like us girlies and some of us girlies have more than our share but I think they need to stop and think once in a while.  I just wanted to say THINK! 

Sqt Clean
5set x 5rep 75%
75lbs.

Then…

“TGIF”

12 min Amrap
10 Burpee Box Jump (30/24)
4 Sqt Clean (185/135)
10 Toes 2 Bar

 

2 Rounds and 5 Burpees

 

I started out with 65lbs. on my weight and then moved to 75lbs.  I got the bar up most of the time but there were a few times I couldn't get it.  But I did keep trying and working at it. 

 

Everything else was pretty much normal for me. 

 

I feel better having talked to the coach.  So glad he wasn't upset with me even though I still have no doubt he and the others get just as frustrated with me as I do them at times.  But I am so glad he and the others have amazing patience. 

 

I am going to try to keep my frustration level down as well as quit over analyzing so much! 

New Day... New Coach

Tonight was a better WOD.  I went in not being thrilled with the WOD but determined to kick that frustration right out the door. 

Warm-up-
2 rounds as partners while one partner does wall sit

bear crawl across room
crab walk back
long jump across room and back

 

Strength
5×3 Clean and Jerk

Then…

5 rounds for time of:

4 HSPU
8 C2B Pull-ups
12 weighted overhead walking lunges (45/25)

 

Warm up wasn't my favorite.  The new coach was a bit overwhelmed on her first night.  But I kept my frustration level down to a minimum when my warm up almost got cut a round.  Seems the coach lost count of the rounds and was ready to move on to the actual WOD.  We spoke up and once she figured out what we were saying I finished the round.  This is why I hate warm ups like this because I am slower than everyone else and before I get done everyone is ready to move on.  But I did better than the last time I was in this position and at least I didn't walk out.

 

So I took some initiative tonight with the clean and jerk weights.  I had 65lbs on my bar and the first round seemed easy so by the 2nd round I was thinking about adding weight to the bar.  The coach told me I was doing the lift correctly.  To be honest I didn't think I was.  So one of the guys I'm friends with called me out on shoulder pressing the weight.  Not sure why the coach didn't notice because it is something I'm guilty of always doing.  So I added 10lbs.  That ended up being too heavy as I couldn't get the bar above my head very well.  I did notice the more I used my legs and hips the easier the bar went up.  But by then it was time to end that part of the warm up. 

 

I did regular push ups and jumping pull ups. 

 

Now the weighted overhead walking lunges were hard.  I still can't get my knee to the ground.  But I did put forth a lot of effort and tried. 

 

Now, the more I think about what I wrote last night I am still considering taking that posting down  Not sure I want to relive it just in reading it but really not happy with how I was thinking and the things I said.  I really do like all my coaches and they do know best.  I know they get as frustrated with me as I do them.  I imagine they would like to drop kick me across the gym several times if they could get away with it.  I just get so frustrated when I can't do something.  I want to be able to do all of this correctly and I want it yesterday if not a week ago.  It's not the coaches fault I can't do everything I want to do.  It's not even my fault.  It's going to take time.  Somehow I have to keep this frustration under control.  My apologies to my coaches if y'all read yesterday's post.  I do love y'all!!!