Head Games

“Jared”
4 rounds for time of:
 
Run 800 meters
20 Pull-ups
35 Push-ups

Time: 54:56

I am more than tired of the mental baggage getting the best of me.  I just don't think running is my thing as it gives me too much time to think and lets things get the best of me.  I wanted to just sit down and cry during each round and almost did.  I had already figured the WOD would be scaled at least for me.  A few people did the R/X version but most of us did the scaled down version.  I contemplated scaling down the already scaled version down with just a 400 meter run.  It's not that I wanted to scale it back anymore than it was already but I just know how slow I am when it comes to running.  I struggled with not pushing myself hard enough if I dropped the run down to 400 meters.  The more I thought about it I felt like I was letting myself down as well as the coaches I have worked with these past 6 months.  So I left it at the 800 meters and struggled through it.  That was so hard. 

Those pull ups were more mental than anything tonight.  I am so self conscious about hearing my stomach and boobs flop around during exercises. And tonight it was like everytime I jumped I had echo of my stomach flopping around.  Usually the music is loud enough to drown that sound out but not tonight.  I just wanted to sit down on that box I was standing on and curl up into a ball and cry.  Actually I had a few tears but since I was sweating so much nobody could tell the difference. 

My push ups sucked.  But I did manage to get my knees off the ground but not by much and I know my form was hideous. 

Then hearing the doors shut to the gym as I was in the middle of my run on that last round shut me down even more.  I was behind the shopping center we run around at the top of a hill and heard those doors shut and then as I'm coming down the hill I saw them shut.  I just about stopped and lost it right there.  If I didn't have to go back in that gym to get my purse and keys I would have just left at that point.  And then to see the coach coming around the corner to see where I was in the run really didn't help me mentally at that point.  I just felt more rushed at that point. 

The coach let me finish the WOD but I just felt rushed to finish so the one's that did wait around for me could go home. 

There is never any stretching after the class I go to and I guess it's because everyone does want to go home.  Heck, I want to go home as I've normally worked all day and gone straight to the WOD.  But I don't enjoy having to pick myself up off the floor and head straight out the door with my heart racing to the sky.  At least give me 5 minutes.  I know I'm slow but it's not intentional.  I am trying to get faster.  I wish I could run and keep going and not stop so much but I do keep walking fast.  But when I hit those mental walls I feel so screwed.  I am proud of myself for not quitting because I really wanted to many times.  I don't even know who cleaned up my stuff tonight.  It was probably cleaned up before I was done. 

So I cried all the way home and continued to cry as I talked this out with a friend.  I have to figure out how to get all this mental crap out of my head and just say screw it and not let things get to me.  I don't want to start cherry picking the WOD's or even the coaches but I'm close to it.