UGH!!!

I got out of my frustration and was on the right track.  That is until this week.  I just want to hear good job once in a while and not in a group setting.  I can't even remember the last time I was encouraged to try something new at the evening class.  It's always as if most of us get left out for those that are athletic or the trainer's favorites.  I was so annoyed by this the other night the other night I turned to someone and encouraged them to add weights.  I shouldn't have been the one doing that the trainer should have.  But it's like we get overlooked.  I called the trainer out that he is nicer to some.  Of course he would never see it that way. 


I went to the open gym time on Sunday and redid a WOD and came out feeling accomplished.  I didn't get a good job or even a "I wish you had done something else" comment from him.  Once in a while I want to hear I did good and mean it like he does to a select few.


And come correct me on what I'm doing wrong.  Don't wait until I'm done and show me how I should have done something because you're too busy talking. 


Today was not a good day for me.

DAMN ROLLER COASTER RIDE!!!

I need to find a way to get out of this funk.  I walk into the gym and just dread the warm up.  I can prepare for the WOD ahead of time but not knowing the warm up and then hearing that I have to do all those moves I can't do just sends me over the edge. 


I had no freaking idea how to do a squat jump this morning.  Never even heard of it before this morning.  I tried to think about it and figure it out in my head but trying to do it just confused me.  The coach has no clue no matter how many times I tell him what that does to me and then begins the frustration for me and him.  I shut down after that. 


I went in with the mindset to be focused and do what I could.  I stretched before the WOD and did some jump ropes to get my legs moving thinking I was doing all the right things.  Only to just let my mind get all clouded over all over again and shut down. 


We've had nothing but partner WOD's on Sat. lately and it's getting on my last nerve.  What happens when someone isn't there that's not around the same level as me?  It's not fair to pair me up with someone who is athletic and I'm not able to keep up with them.  I get scared that is going to happen and I feel a panic attack coming on when I think about it.  Asking to do the WOD on my own will
more than likely get me nowhere. 


I spent some time talking with someone after the WOD about how I'm feeling and now to know that some of the things I'm feeling is what 2 others are feeling makes me feel a little better.  We're just frustrated with lack of weight loss and the movements we are allowed to do.  We just want our coach to understand why we feel the way we do.  He doesn't have to agree with us but just have some compassion once in a while. 


I understand the coach prefers those who are athletic and can compete in competitions but he has people in the gym that aren't.  So why not help us to learn different things even if it is only 1 thing a month to work on.  We're watching new people come in and learn all the advanced stuff and told things they can work on.  What about those of us that have been there for a while? 


I'm so tired of seeing the goals on the board and they're only for the athletic people.  What about those of us that are years from achieving those goals.  I mentioned one time about having a different set of goals for those of us that will never see the goals he has listed but I got disregarded.  We work hard too.  I have no desire to do 100 burpees in 7 minutes because that goal isn't even achievable for me at this time.  So what is wrong with having a scaled version of goals???  At least give us a light at the end of the tunnel.  I made my own goals up and pretty much got ignored.  Why can't I work on 50 burpees in 7 minutes and then work from there and eventually work my way up to 100 burpees in 7 minutes?  If I could ever find something this coach can't do and show him how we feel it might help.  But he seems to be good at everything he does. 


I did figure out I'm still pissed off about being scaled a few weeks ago.  I want to do that WOD over where I was a given a PVC pipe and use a bar instead.  I don't think it was right that I had to use a PVC pipe and I know the coach doesn't care what I think about it.  I know I have to do what is told to me but I also believe I should have some input.  Other people whine about having to do stuff and he takes it in stride but when it comes to me I catch hell.  But how embarrassing that newbies got to use a bar and I had to use a PVC pipe!!!  I think on Monday morning I just need to go in and start working on overhead squats.  I'll probably get told to do something else but I can at least try.  I wonder if I were to do them on the bench where the partition comes in and use that as my guide not to fall backwards or just stack some boxes up and then put a smaller one in front of it and try it that way if that would work?   


I have to admit I've had a few drinks while writing this so I'll probably edit in the morning.  I don't hate my coach.  I hate myself for getting this frustrated.  It's just sometimes I feel like he doesn't push me to do what I can and more and then I get frustrated.  When he's pushing me to do more and do better is when I'm the best at trying to achieve my goals.  I know it's wrong but I feed off his mood and if he's not wanting to work with me then I don't want to work as hard.  I really do have good coaches.  I just need to get out of this funk I've been in this past month. 


I know I'm close to my breaking point as I feel it.  I'm just hoping when I get to that point I'm not in the gym.  I know how I am and this coach hates tears and those will come along with a lot of feelings.  I need to learn to keep all that in check and hidden away until I get in my car. 

Still Struggling

Still struggling with those feelings of not being good enough.  I was talking with someone after the WOD and we're both having some of the same feelings.  We watch others come in and get to do things immediately and we're still somewhere on the sidelines.  Almost like being kicked to the curb.  We come in and hear the talk of others making sure they do at least the amount of weights if not more than anyone else has done earlier in the day.  And we're just there to do the best we can do.  I get it that more athletic people are more fun to coach and newbies...well there is something special about being a newbie but then the newness wears off too eventually as it did with us.  So we've decided to just band together when it comes to wanting to do new things.  We're going to continue to support each other and cheer each other on and hope the coach sees our determination and let's us learn new things.  I don't think at this time I could inquire in a way that won't come across as whining and complaining.  It's not about griping!  It's just that we want the opportunity to try new things even if we don't succeed.  But we just want something to strive for. 

Venting...Need My Head in a Better Place

This has not been a good week.  A few days I felt like I had good WOD's but I just didn't feel accomplished for most of them.  I'm still struggling with this being scaled thing.  I can handle being scaled by one of the coaches but not any of the others.  For the most part the female coaches don't scale me a lot so that usually falls to the male coaches.  The one coach I can handle being scaled from does it in a way that's just between us and even if it's noticeable he's always encouraging and telling me how it will benefit me.  And he also encourages me along the way all the way to the finish. 


But when the other coach scales me I feel like he might as well post it on the whiteboard that I'm being scaled.  I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it.  I struggled so hard with a WOD this week.  I know I suck at overhead squats and can barely hold the bar up.  But I also feel like if I don't keep trying I'll never figure it out.  But to tell me to get a weighted PVC pipe and give the bar to someone else was hard.  I kept it together and even tried to disguise my feelings the rest of the evening.  Yeah, I got farther in the rounds than anyone else but there was no feeling of accomplishment.  I even hid my feelings when his wife text me saying he told her I did good.  I wanted to just scream thru that text NO I DIDN'T but tried to suck it up by saying thanks.  But as the days went on and the more I think about it I wish I hadn't shown up.  I would have rather used a bar and did less reps and not even getting thru the first round than do all that I did.  I felt cheated out of learning how to do something and eventually figuring it out.  This is what makes me never want to do lifts.  I know there were a lot of people there that night and we were running short on bars but I hate being singled out. 




I've decided that my personal beliefs don't need to be discussed at all.  I don't expect anyone else to believe as I do but I hate being asked by anyone why I believe a certain way.  I don't quote scripture, never have and never will.  While I don't understand why Christians don't know anything about Judaism since it was around long before Christianity and Christians converted from Judaism I don't mock them for not knowing their heritage.  You have to know where you came from before you can know where you're going.  I made a personal choice and have no regrets.  Just respect the fact this is how I choose to believe and eat.  I don't have anyone dictating to me what to eat and not eat it is a belief that I believe and feel in my heart is right for me. 




Sometimes I just want to give up and quit.  Then I remember I have goals and I'm doing this for me.  Not anyone else, not a coach or anyone in that gym.  I'm so tired of being belittled and taunted.  Yesterday, someone made a comment about an exercise and I immediately got blamed.  I'm not the only one that moans or gripes but I sure as hell get singled out and fussed at.  And at the point of going in for the WOD I almost got my stuff and left.  I am trying very hard to eat right and do the WOD's (even when scaled and hating it) and I get fussed at for not doing better.  Others come in and get greeted and asked how their day was and get sympathy and hugs and I get an eye roll of oh, you're here again.  And don't let me mention I had a bad day.  I get told well you're here so forget your day.  Most days I can handle the attitude but this week wasn't one of them.  I just keep reminding myself this is for me and nobody else.  So this next week I'm just going to go in the gym and keep to myself and not say anything.  Just do what I'm told and get the WOD done and leave.  I don't want to argue, debate or ruffle anyone's feathers.  I don't mind my coaches being tough on me to keep me motivated and pushing me to do more but I just want to know I'm not being scaled because I would get in the way of everyone else.  I want to get better at these exercises and I do understand it's more fun for the coaches to coach someone who is athletic and can do what's on the board.  I just want a chance to do the best that I can. 




Now, to try to get my head in a better place.  I don't hate my coaches.  I don't even dislike them.  I just wish they understood how hard it is for someone who isn't athletic to be in that gym and how it feels emotionally when being scaled.  I do like my coaches and as someone reminded me this week that we are a 2nd family and family pisses us off at times but at the end of the day we're there for each other. I do like my coaches and they are all very good with what they do. 

Still Learning

Having to learn that being scaled back on some things is okay but I'm NOT there yet.  I've never liked being scaled.  I never feel like I accomplished anything or challenged myself enough when scaled.  I always feel cheated.  I feel like I've let myself down.  My mindset is at a point of wanting to push myself beyond my limits and see how far I can go but it's obviously not the same view point my coach has for me.  I really wanted to see how far I could get on that time limit last night.  The coach did say once I got through with my scaled WOD I could run some more.  I don't think he thought I would but I did.  I wanted to see how far I could've gotten within that 15 minute time limit.  I finished at 12:57 and ran another 200 meters and finished in 15:08.  I don't think the coach was happy I did that extra 200.  And then when I said the time he wrote on the board was cheating me by 3 seconds he acted like it wasn't important enough to change the time.  DAMN!!!  He's always telling me to push myself and go for the best time I can get.  I wanted my 3 seconds!!!  He changed it but clearly not happy about doing so.  It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.  So do I continue to push myself and work hard or just sit back and do the minimum???  Just feeling a bit frustrated today.  Or do I continue to do the scaled versions and then on my own do it all???  Just don't have my head in a good place right now.  Hope that changes later in the day and I can somehow try to come around to my coach's way of thinking.  What I do know is I have to do what is told to me in the gym no matter how I feel. 

Determination...at it's Worst

I just don't know how to balance this whole losing weigh/getting healthy thing with being able to do these WOD's.  Twice in 1 week I was unable to complete a WOD.  The first time I asked for it.  I wanted to get all those jump ropes in.  The harder I tried it seemed my endurance got the best of me.  I had to quit 150 in to the first set of 300.  By the time I was done class should have been stopped 20 minutes prior.  I don't know why the coach didn't stop me  and he's never said.  My guess is he wanted me to see for myself what I asked for.  I bit off more than I could chew on that one.  Part of me regrets even trying and the other part of me is glad I could see for myself that I have a long ways to go.  But even with that being said I was still discouraged because I'm now afraid to even ask again about doing an entire WOD when I know it's going to be challenging. 


Then came the team WOD of partners yesterday.  I knew it was going to be brutal just from what was written on the board:

Run 1500 meters in intervals of 100 meters one team member at a time

Back Squat 10,000 lbs, one team member works at a time

Move 300lbs 400 meters. Use any weight you want; wallball, dumbbell, kettlebells, barbell, plates… all team members working at one time.

This was definitely one of those WOD's that scared me from the moment I saw it posted.  Not only do I hate team/partner WOD's because of how slow I am and someone relying on me but also looking at what was involved.  The run in itself was tiring.  While others were at least 2 rounds ahead of us we were still out there running. 

The back squats weren't really the big issue as we both can lift fairly well when it comes to back squats so we did 75lbs. 

But that moving 300lbs. 400 meters was the worst.  I still don't know if I quite understand how it was supposed to work but I still also think we were cut off.  I know we carried 75lbs 200 meters and then another 400 meters,  We then carried 122lbs 400 meters.  Until we were told we were done I hadn't really comprehended how long it was taking us.  I knew it was after 11:00 but I had no idea what time we actually started the WOD.  I had the best partner and we pushed each other but we were so tired and struggling during this part.  By the time we were doing the 400 meters we weren't able to make it more than 50 meters at a time without stopping.  On that last 400 meters we were only making it 25 meters at a time if that.  The weights were so heavy.  It may be wrong but that was when I was feeling like we were left out there alone to fend for ourselves.  While on one hand I understand that on the other hand I feel like the coach had nobody else left to coach as the others were done and it just would've been nice to have a little encouragement out there with us instead of everyone just socializing.  I get that it's good to socialize with everyone and it's more fun but we were struggling and it wasn't from lack of effort.  We were pushing to do what we could as fast as we could.  So by the time I did hear the coach hollering to get moving at the end I was kind of ticked off.  I had been told we had 200 meters to go and I was determined to get that 200 in but then we were told we were done.  Then I was really pissed.  People had places to be, hell I had some place to be and ended up being over an hour late.  While I don't like being scaled this is one that should have been for us as running is not either one of ours strong points.  I have no idea what our time was. 

I know I was wrong in snapping at my coach the way I did.  I just honestly don't know how to address it this time.  I just don't. 

I want so desperately to do what is written on the board and do it well.  But I struggle with trying to balance out what I can do and what I should do.  I'm tired of coming home in tears feeling like I let myself and others down but that's always been my down fall because when I get determined to do something I'm bad about not listening to others.  I want what I want and I want it now.  And then throw 2 WOD's in a week in there that I couldn't complete just makes me feel like I'll never be good enough.  I don't want to give up but I don't like this feeling either.  It feels like I'll never get to the next level.  Like staying on level 1 and never being able to make level 2 and having to sit back and be a cheerleader all of the time as I've always had to because I'm not capable and never will be.  I'm tired of being that cheerleader ALL of the time.  I just want to be able to achieve one of my goals and right now I don't see it happening.  Just one goal! 

Rest Days

I have been struggling with this whole rest day thing.  I just don't understand it.  I've really tried to get mentally there with it but the more I think about it the more I see that if I don't work out the farther I get from my goals and reaching them.  I'm eating right and exercising but I just don't understand this plateau.  It's so easy for others to say it will happen, just give it time and if I have to hear trust the process one more time I might just scream. 


I don't ever wish on anybody that they need to lose weight but sometimes I wish coaches understood from that perspective and not from a perspective of having to lose 20 or 30 pounds but a significant amount of weight.  Trying to lose 157lbs. is a tough battle.  I knew it wouldn't be easy but dammit I'm tired of hitting those walls and not seeing any changes.  I hate this whole battle.  I'm on a mission and have goals and work hard towards them but nothing seems to happen on that scale.  UGH!!! 

Doing The Right Thing

I've been going nonstop for the almost 2 months working out 6 days a week and for 3 of them twice a day.  On top of that I've been making sure I exercise on Sundays by walking or running.  So basically, 7 days a week.  I got to a point about a week or so ago I started feeling tired but kept saying keep moving because I can't stop if I'm going to make my goals.  But as the past week or so has gone on I could tell my body was slowing down.  The other night I came home from a workout and just started crying for no reason because I was tired from the workout.  We had done a HERO WOD the day before and I was feeling good but then that next day I didn't think I would make it through the WOD.  But I did.  Then when I went home I fell apart.  I can't blame it all on the WOD's because my job is extremely stressful right now.  So, I decided to talk to the trainer who was coaching Friday night about taking a day off because he always seems to be on the same page as the head coach.  I told him how I was feeling and he gave me some good advice and assured me there was no problem in my taking a day off. 


Just as I thought all that was solved and had messaged the head coach and found out he was in agreement and threw some conversations back at me that we had a while back about him telling me to take a day off I was okay with my decision.  Then he goes and posts the WOD for today.  He posts the one WOD I had told a few of my CF friends I wanted to do.  That pissed me off.  I know he had no way of knowing but darn it why did he have to do that.  So there went the back and forth of I want to do this and I really need to learn to take the advice given. 


So, after a restless night I have decided to take the day of rest and suck it up.  I'm still pissed because I miss the energy and the enthusiasm that comes with these HERO WOD's.  There's just something about them that gets several of us motivated and what looks like an hour of hell turns out to be an hour of fun.  These are just not the WOD's you want to do by yourself.  Hard to explain but it is. 


DAMN IT!!!  I hate doing what is right.  And I hate even more this coach is right!!!

As Year 1 Comes to a Close...Goals and Achievements

I was going to wait and post this a few weeks but sometimes I think it's better to celebrate an anniversary all month instead of all day.  This is my Journey into CrossFit! 


February 22nd will be 1 year that I walked into the Crossfit gym.  I can't believe a year has gone by.  Months before I had been talking with someone online about Crossfit and she encouraged me to find a box and try it out.  When I discovered a box had opened 5 minutes from my house I was both excited and scared to death.  I emailed and then stopped by one night and literally stuck my head in the door long enough to meet the owner/coach and gone in less than 5 minutes.  Then on their FB page it said there was going to be an Open House.  Again, my friend Gretchen was encouraging me from Seattle to just go try it out.  So, on Feb. 22, 2013 I walked in scared out of my mind. 


I met a few folks and then came the start of a class.  The warm up of all things was jumping jacks.  Now, those sound easy for everyone else but for me I didn't have a clue and my hands and feet were not cooperating (they still don't a year later).  I wanted to walk out at that moment but I stuck with it.  I remember doing air squats and being given a box for my target for my butt to get some depth.  Me and that box have tried to end our friendship amicably but we seem to be stuck together for life as it just won't go away permanently.  Then there was the big box climb.  Nobody knew anything about me especially at that time and unbeknownst to them they were getting ready to find out my fear of heights.  I still don't know how to this day a complete stranger got me to climb up on that box.  But I saw how determined this coach was and he didn't back down when I told him NO he said YES!  That battle went on for a minute or two and I found myself standing on top of that box scared out of my mind.  I don't even remember if I did a jumping pull up or if the coach finally said it was time to let me down because by then everyone was staring at me probably not sure what was going to happen next.  After that I have no memory of anything else that happened at that open house. 



After I recovered from the open house I emailed asking if I could join now that the coach knew how unathletic and out of shape I am and seeing for himself I was going to be a challenge and he said YES!  I came back and joined the following week on March 1st. 




Joining came commitment which meant get myself to classes on time.  I started out 3 days a week for the first month to make sure I was going to like it.  Joining also meant sharing my goals which meant the weight loss struggle I have been on for 30 years.  I had never shared my goals with anyone not even my closest friends.  Here I was sitting down with the same person that made me stand on top of a box and now standing on a scale.  That was the moment I knew I was going to make a change in my life and get healthy and lose this weight.  I won't lie that was hard.  All I could hear in my head was all the overweight jokes and teasing but when I got off that scale I heard none of that from this coach.  Instead I heard how I could change things by my nutrition and exercise and how he and the other coaches were going to help me.  I wanted to cry at that moment but happy tears not sad ones.  For the first time I had hope I could do this.



So the journey began... The first 6 months were hard as far as workouts.  I even endured my first 5K a month into joining.  I don't think anyone really knew how slow I am even though they encouraged me to do this.  It took me over an hour to complete this 5K.  I had a 2 car police escort the entire way as I was last.  I wanted to go home several times as this 5K took me right by my subdivision.  But one of the cops kept talking to me and encouraging me and told me she wasn't going to let me give up.  She stayed with me the entire way.  I am so thankful for her being there because if not I would've gone home and called a friend and said come get me and take me to my car.  As far as I knew everyone would be packed up and gone so it wouldn't matter.  I finally made the halfway point.  I got about 3/4 of the way and to my surprise here came 1 of the coaches with some of her friends and another friend of mine who had ran the race.  With all of them they kept me going.  I'll never forget that moment.  I made it through the finish line with everyone and my police escort.  I DID IT!!! 




The first 6 months the weight came off fairly easily.  The last 6 months have been the hardest yet.  I hit a plateau with my weight and stopped losing.  I wasn't eating right so I started to work on that.  I was still drinking whole milk and almost 3 gallons a week.  I was also eating too many cheat meals.  I was never good at eating a lot of meat for protein and this has been my biggest struggle.  So hear came all the meltdowns of:
I can't do this!
I want to quit!
This is too hard!
This isn't worth it! 
I don't think I missed out on any complaining and whining.  And as tired as my friends got of hearing it they still put up with me and encouraged me to continue.  My weight loss isn't where I had hoped it would be at this time.  I thought I would be over halfway to my goal by now.  But when you go in with the goal of losing 157lbs. that's a huge goal to achieve and it won't happen overnight.  I'm not even halfway to my goal and I've had to revamp some of my goals but I hope to be by my birthday if not sooner.  Not meeting the goals I had set for myself by the end of the year was difficult.  I felt like I let myself down and that was hard to handle.  But I know as long as I keep working towards my goal I will achieve it.


I am almost always the last to finish because I am slow but everyone still encourages me.  I can handle being last to finish but I still struggle with finishing 10+ minutes after everyone is done, especially with warm ups as I feel like I'm holding up class time.  I'm working on getting faster and better but even I know that is going to be a long journey and I have to suck it up at those times but it is easier said than done.  I'm working on it. 


So here came the end of the year and I knew I needed to make some decisions.  It was either accept that this was it and quit or work harder and achieve my goals.  I chose to work harder and achieve my goals and that's what I'm doing!  My advice to anyone wanting to achieve a goal no matter what it is... Just go out and and work hard for it.  Know there are going to be struggles but if you surround yourself with the right folks that help you stay positive and encourage you and you do the same for them anything is achievable! 


What I do know after a year is I will achieve my goals but not in the time frame I had wanted.  But instead in the time frame that is meant for me.  I know I will still have struggles and I will hit walls but I also know my determination is there and stronger than ever before.  I will continue to tweak through my regiment of workouts and nutrition and fine tune what works and discard what doesn't.  What I won't do is give up.  I spent 30 years giving up after starting something but this time I've made it a year and I'm not stopping! 




So to all the folks that have watched my journey and helped me along I say THANK YOU!!!  Looking forward to see what this next year brings! 


I have the best coaches!!! 


Gretchen, you may not be one of my coaches at my box but you are such an inspiration to me from across the country.  Without you encouraging me to walk through those doors last year I wouldn't know I could do this. And you still encourage me.  I hope one day we get to meet and do a WOD together.  That is one of my goals! 


Jessica, who now fills in from time to time I'll never forget you coming back for me at that 5K - means the world to me! 


Emily, I love seeing you on Thurs. I really do!  You always have encouraging words to say! 


Jeremiah - everybody loves Jeremiah as we say!  Love your laid back attitude!  I'll never forget having to do 83 burpees 3 or 4 months into this journey and you stuck by me the entire way encouraging me and you still continue to never let me give up even when struggling.  And then you posted a picture of where my forehead hit the ground all 83 times ;-) 


Michelle - you are so patient and encouraging and always making sure we have our form correct.  And I love how you take measurements ;-) 


And last but not least Jim, you put up with so much more from me than anyone else.  You don't let me give in to my whining, complaining, fears or self pity and never afraid to be honest and just tell me like it is.  As much as I don't like hearing the truth it does make me stronger.  I'm also learning messaging Michelle is just like messaging you - LOL!  And you 2 have the best kids!  Which means I have the best running buddies anyone can have! 

Tears and Mental Pain

Snatch 2 sets of 10 @65% - 45lbs.

Then…

3 Rounds for time of: 21:57

5 overhead squats (35lbs.)
5 power cleans (35lbs.)
50 steps weighted lunges

I don't know how I made it thru this WOD because I wanted to give up before I got started.  Getting a squat in with overheads is so hard for me.  I don't even know if I did those power clean right.  My brain was so fried by then I completely forgot how to do one. 

Those walking lunges got the best of me.  It is so hard for me to bend down and get back up much less even succeed at doing it without using my hands to brace myself.  I have no idea how to hold onto that PVC pipe and use it to go down and get back up.  I was so confused when I was brought it.  I know there has to be a reason and purpose but I just couldn't grasp what I was supposed to do. 

But the hardest part was barely beginning my 2nd round and everyone else was done.  That takes such a mental toll on me.  I feel so inadequate and like I shouldn't even be there at that point because I can't keep up within a reasonable time of everyone else.  I had tears in all that sweat then.  It's still so hard to still be working out and everyone else is cleaned up and ready to go.  I just want to go crawl in a corner in a ball and cry or better yet just run out and never come back.  I really do hate being so feakin' slow! 

I have to stay focused on my goals and what I want for my life in all this.  It's all those feeling as a kid I had when people wouldn't let me do things because I didn't know how and/or was too slow and people hated to wait on me that come flooding back.  After all these years and now being surrounded by people who tell me not to worry about it those feelings creep back in.  I wish they would stay hidden far away and never come back to haunt me. 

I don't want to give up and I have to dig deep down and find that inner strength again and keep fighting for what I want!  I'll get there somehow, some way!

Snapping

Took a little break from writing over here.  It's been a rough several weeks for me emotionally and I think it all came to a head last night for me emotionally.  Working out twice a day is helping me immensely in some ways but in other ways I'm struggling.  I love getting into the gym and working out and the motivation I feel from others is great.  But then when I go back for the second workout I feel a disconnect.  I've started to feel lost and like I'm not really there with everyone and I miss that feeling of how we all encourage each other.  I know I have to do things on my own and in my lifetime I have learned to do that.  But I feel like I don't get to share in everyone else's accomplishments as well.  I feel like I've put myself in time out and last night all those emotions came over me all at once.  And no matter how much I tried to shove those emotions back they came out and I snapped.  I feel so guilty for snapping on my coach.  It's not his fault because he is trying to help me.  My snapping had nothing to do with him and I knew that and yet I still took it out on him.  I need to work this out and learn to put everyone else out of my mind and just focus on my goals.  I hate snapping on anyone especially someone who's gone out of his way to help me. 

Changes

The box has been closed for a few days due to snow and to my surprise I got myself motivated to do 2 WOD's each day at home without being prodded.  I will admit that I don't have the intensity at home that I do at the gym but it was better than doing nothing.


I'm so tired of this plateau hell I'm in.  I'm beginning to think that I won't ever lose anymore weight and I'm stuck where I'm at.  Everyone keeps suggesting different things and it's hard for me to keep my head on straight because I keep thinking what if their right.  I even get people telling me not to work out as much and just drop to 3 days a week.  I don't see how that is beneficial because there are less calories being burned.  It just doesn't make sense to me. 


I'm almost to the point of being ready to bring milk back in to my nutrition.  I saw where the first 2 weeks I eliminated it I lost 8lbs. but then the last 2 weeks I gained 4lbs of that back.  That just doesn't make sense to me.  It's just not logical. 


I decided to go with the coach's menu plan. I hope it helps to get me over this plateau.  Maybe, switching up what I eat will be a key to breaking through this plateau.  The coach made the comment that I get in a rut with what I eat.  Maybe that's one of my problems that I eat the same thing over and over for several days in a row.  If not, then I guess I find something else and try it. 


But, it's hard to explain to others how working out and eating right and not seeing any results both on the scale and in my clothes is frustrating.  Nobody else gets how I feel and sometimes I wish they would see it from my perspective and my dreams and goals.  I want this but it's hard not to want to try the crash diets, liquid diets and the many other things that I know in my head are not right and can be damaging to my body.  Just trying to keep myself focused on doing this the right way. 

Figuring it Out

“Fight Gone Something Else”
3 Rounds FGB Format for Max Reps:

1 minute each of:

Power Cleans (95#/65#)
Burpees
Kettlebell Swings (55#/35#)
Double Unders
Shoulder to Overhead (95#/65#) (from floor)
Rest

Post total reps for the entire workout - 201


DAMN!!! Those modified burpees are going to kill me!  But I did manage to get a few of them done where my feet moved at the same time. 


And those jump ropes are killer too!  But I did notice the lower I kept my hands and didn't move them up and kept them down at my sides I had a little bit of an easier time and got a few more jump ropes in. 


One of these days I'm going to learn that I can jump and get my feet off the ground. 

Deck of Cards and Rowing

Clean 5×1 95% - 85lbs.

“Deck of cards”
Two person
♠️squat cleans 55#♥️pull ups♣️burpee over bar♦️good mornings
Hold 25lb. weight over head for partner
 Made it through 38 cards


I hate partner WOD's!  They just bring out the worst in me.  I hate when I feel rushed especially when someone is dependent on me.  Then I don't take the time to do the movements right.  Just not a good workout for me.  I really wanted to cherry pick this WOD but decided to suck it up and do it. 




Then I went back and had to row for 25 minutes.  That was so hard!   My whole body aches.  I ended up rowing for 26:10 to reach 5,000 meters.  I was too close to my goal I wasn't going to stop.  So glad I did it but I'm going to feel it in a few hours. 

The Line

5×3 Push press - 75lbs.

Then….
“Optimus Prime”
AMRAP 10 minutes
Wall Balls (8#)
EMOM 5 Deadlifts (115#)
Workout starts with wall balls. At the one minute mark complete 5 deadlifts. Work out is scored by the total number of wall balls performed.


Score: 96


Nothing special about this WOD.  I did get the wall ball to the line several times though ;-) 

Thankful

Just when I thought my body was going to say it needed to rest I'm finding myself with some energy I didn't realize I had.  I don't know if it's getting to bed a little earlier (still need to work on that) or something else I haven't figured out. 


I know I complain a lot and dread doing so many of the movements but I'm glad I'm doing them and being pushed.  I have moments that I feel like I'll never learn some of these movements.  And then it's the little things that remind me eventually I'll figure it out.  Just the 2 times that the coach took to demonstrate the modified burpee which didn't take but a minute or 2 made all the difference and letting me try after the WOD.  Before then I didn't think I'd ever grasp the movement.  Now, I think I have a chance.  I know it's something simple and mindless to everyone else but for some reason I get confused and the movements get twisted in my head. 


Then the lifts that left me feeling like why try yesterday morning and then getting the chance to try again in the evening made a big difference.  I really want to figure those lifts out.  I just don't know how. 


I am thankful I'm allowed to come to gym as much as I do and ask for all the help that I do and get it.  I don't know many other places that would allow that.  I know I couldn't afford my coach if he charged me by the hour and it won't surprise me if prices go up and I wouldn't blame him.  I'd find a way to still do it though.  I am very lucky to be at the box where I'm at!!!  And he thinks I'd try to hurt him with boxing gloves - LOL!  He doesn't know me that well... one punch from him and I'd be out. 

Burpee Hell!!!

I went back and did another WOD.  This time  I did 4 rounds of rowing 500 meters and 10 burpees.  I just can't seem to figure out how to use my legs with the rower.  I started out good in the first round but after that I was getting tired. 


Then there were the burpees.  Those modified burpees are HARD!   It wasn't until I was done with the WOD and watched my coach do them that I think I might have figured them out.  My arms are going to be sore tomorrow!

Keep trying...

Snatch 5×1 95% - 65lbs.

Then…..
“ Air Force”
For time: 10:00
20 Thrusters
20 Sumo deadlift high pulls
20 Push jerks
20 Overhead squats
20 Front squats

35lb. bar

 Each athlete must do four burpees at the beginning of every minute before moving on to the barbell work. The athlete is allowed to move to the next barbell skill once an he/she has completed all 20 reps. If the minute clock beeps during a repetition the athlete will complete their rep and then start their four burpees. There is a 20 min cap.


This is not the WOD for someone like me.  My lifts suck and to be pressed for time and then add burpee hell in there that's just asking for a disaster to happen.  I think I would have done better dropping the lifts to 10 reps.  I hate timed WOD's because I feel so rushed and I just do whatever and hope I get through it.  But I don't take the time to work on form and just feel like it's all a waste.  I know I suck at lifts but I would love to one day figure them out. 


Those burpees are so hard.  I'm supposed to be fast but I just can't figure out how to make both my feet jump back and then forward at the same time. 


So this 10 minute WOD was just about moving and not accomplishing anything to me.  I almost didn't show up this morning and wonder if I should have just skipped it.  I just want to figure out something at each WOD.  This was not the one.  Hopefully, I'll do better tonight. 

Abs

“Nightcrawler”30 Overhead Squats (95, 65#)
30 Toes to Bar
20 Power Snatches (95, 65#)
20 Toes to Bar
10 Squat Snatches (95, 65#)
10 Toes to Bar


Time: 10:27


Those toes to bars worked my abs.  They look so easy but are so hard.  But they are worth the pain. 


Lifts just suck! 

3 WOD's

Front Squat 5×1 95% -105lbs.
 
Then…..

“Schlitz”
4 rounds of: 20:41

400m Run (200 meter run)
4 Muscle Ups (jumping pull ups and box dips)
40 Double Unders - 40 successes


This one wasn't as bad as it sounded.  I even got 17 jump ropes in a row and got a few 10 in row.  I didn't hate that jump rope today and sling it everywhere - LOL!


2 Mile Run - 34:37


That first 800 is so hard but after that it seems to get better.


4 Rounds - 17:40 (I think)
20 Wall Ball Slams
20 Box Step with knee raises
20 Toes to Bars


Those box steps with knee raises were hard.  Remembering to bend my knee up high was a challenge.  Those few stumbles coming down worked me mentally though. 


Those toes to bars were so hard but I'm going to feel them. 


800 Meter Run - 8:06

Did I Really Do That...

I can't believe I actually climbed to the top of Stone Mountain and back down.  I did okay most of the way up but I got about a 100 meters from the top and panicked.  I sat down almost in tears thinking I was never getting down from that mountain.  As I sat there thinking I CAN'T DO THIS, I looked around thinking I had to do something.  Then I heard a few of my coaches voices in my head saying I CAN'T wasn't allowed in the vocabulary.  My friend that was with me was encouraging me as she came back for me.  I finally just crawled on my hands and knees about 50 meters until I was in a place I could stand up again because it was very steep.  I was petrified and didn't want to climb back down and wanted to ride the cable car.  My friend wasn't hearing any of it.  I text a few of my coaches because I needed some tough love and knew I would get it and I did.  I was so scared but off we went and back down the mountain we came.  I got to the steep part and sat down on my butt and slid down inch by inch until it wasn't too steep anymore.  People kept coming by asking if I needed help as they were concerned about me.  Then I got back to the part where there is a railing.  Going up wasn't too bad but coming down was not fun.  I took it slow and held on for dear life.  Once I got past that part it wasn't too bad.  There were a few parts where the steps off the boulders were too high for me and I sat down to get to the next boulder.  It took 50 minutes to get up the mountain and an hour and 10 minutes to get down.  I am so glad I did it and proud of my accomplishment but I don't want to do it again for a while.  My nerves are still in shock from it all! 

Wall Balls...

Snatch 6×2 90% - 55lbs.

5 rounds for time of:  14:36

15 Medicine Ball Cleans, 7 lbs
15 Wall Balls, 7 lbs

Those medicine ball cleans always mess with my head.  I'm not sure how many times I got both squats in.  I know I was trying not to miss one of them but I know I did. 

I didn't do too well on the wall balls.  I had gotten to where I didn't plop down on the box for the squat but not today.  I have to get back to doing it right next time. 

1 Mile Jog/Run

Time: 16:50

Got a mile jog/run in before the WOD.  I feel good with the time even though it wasn't as good as earlier in the week.  It was cold out there especially in the shade. 

2 WOD'S

25 Burpees
Run 200 m
25 Jumping Pull Up
Run 200 m
25 Box Handstand Push Ups
Run 200 m
25 Jumping Pull Ups
Run 200 m
25 Burpees


Time 24:41


Those modified burpees are hard as hell!  And for some reason I seem to want to hold myself up by my fingers and not my hands!  If it's not one thing it's another that I have to figure out.  Those box HSPU were no joke.  I was too scared to bend my elbows I couldn't get my head to the floor.




Then for my 2nd WOD:


4 Rounds - 23:08


500 meter row
25 sit ups
15 box step ups


I still can't figure out how to use my legs on the rower.  DANG IT!!!  I just don't get it.  Moving up to 3 weights for box steps was a challenge at first.  Didn't realize how used to stepping on 2 was until these 3.

Keep Moving

Clean 6×2 90% - 85lbs.

EMOM 12 minutes

3 Overhead squat 45lbs.
5 kettle bell swings 35lbs.

I really don't like these kinds of WOD's.  I'd rather see how many I can get done in a minute and then rest a minute.  When I went to log it in it appears we were to do rounds.  But our coach only let us do 1 round each minute.  Have no idea what was the right way. 

I did complete 75 burpees and some jump ropes in today.  I had to do 25 extra burpees because I didn't 25 of them the modified way.  But the modified way is so much harder than the regular way.  But, if I want this change then I just have to keep moving.  And I want it! 

Calories

Run 1 mile for time   16:15

            Then…. 

AMRAP 20 mins 7 Rounds and 11 push ups

12 Ring Dips9 Push Press, 115 lbs
15 Push-ups

This was so hard!  But I'm proud of my time for the one mile.  Something tells me I better keep this up. 

So, I'm told I'm not burning enough calories and need to do more.  That is my goal.  I ate too much today so I need to readjust my eating again.  Time to do more and eat the right amount of calories and burn more.  I want out of this plateau once and for all! 

Improving

Back Squat 6×2 90% - 130lbs.

 

“Fran”

21/15/9
Thrusters 50lbs.
Pull ups - Ring Dips

Time 7:01

I was trying to stay in the 6 minute range but I didn't quite make it.  At least I wasn't too far off.  And the best part of it was I did 1:44 seconds than last time. 

Variety

For Time: 30:16
31 KB Swings (53/35)
28 Wall Balls (20/14)
31 Jumping Pull ups
30 Sit ups
31 Overhead Squats (65/45)
30 Push-ups
31 Hang Cleans (65/45)
31 Box Jumps
30 Overhead Walking Lunges (20/14)
31 Burpees
30 Air Squats
31 Double Unders (93 Singles)


I liked doing this WOD!  A lot of variety!  Still need to work on that rowing, jump ropes and lifts not to mention those burpees. 

Working on Small Accomplishments

Warm Up: Rowing - 500 meters


100 Jump Ropes (single attempts)
80 Air Squats
60 Kettle Bell Swings (26lb)
40 Jumping Pull Ups
20 Turkish Get Ups (12lbs)


Total Time:   25:26


Jump Rope hell but I think I did pretty good and didn't melt down this time.  Hated not being able to do the 300 but I'll get there. 


Guess I need to use my box more so than the pole for my air squats.  OMG!!!  I felt them in my legs when I switched to the box. 


Appears to be no more sandbagging on the jumping pull ups and my chin has to go over the bar.  I want to try weights to stand on instead of the box.  Wonder if I'm not as high up if I can jump better. 


Do NOT like Turkish get ups.  I couldn't lift my right arm when I got to those.  My left one had to help my right. 


I'm determined to figure out that rowing thing.  I keep studying the videos and listening to the coach.  Going to try out that no using the arms next time and use my legs.  I hate rowing but I want to figure this out.  It's my little mission right now that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and with a little more hard work I can figure it out. 


I need my small accomplishments.  They keep me motivated.  It may be nothing to anyone else but to me it's something. 

Day 11

Breakfast
Protein Shake with 3/4 scoop, water and 2 cups strawberries (1 block protein and 2 blocks carb)
2 eggs (2 blocks protein)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)





Snack
2oz. chicken salad (2 blocks protein)
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water


Lunch
3oz. chicken salad (3 blocks protein)
1 cup tomatoes (1 block carb)
1 1/2 broccoli (1 block carbs)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)
Water



Snack
2 oz. turkey (2 blocks protein)
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water



Dinner
3 oz. grilled chicken (3 blocks protein)
1 cup tomatoes (1 block carbs)
1 cup strawberries (1 block carbs)
1 1/2 tsp. peanut butter (3 blocks fat)
Water







Protein              Carbs              Fat
    13                    10                    13

Got My Goal

5×3 Deadlift (increasing weight each round)

175-195-175-175-175

Max set strict pull ups - 16

7 minute max burpees - 51

I wanted my goal of 50 burpees and got 51.  I just kept moving on those burpees or at least I felt like I didn't stop. I was so out of breath when I was done I didn't know how long it was going to take me to get back up off that floor.  Just happy I did it! 

Day 10

Breakfast
Protein Shake with 3/4 scoop, water and 2 cups strawberries (1 block protein and 2 blocks carb)
2 eggs (2 blocks protein)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)





Snack
2oz. chicken salad (2 blocks protein)
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water


Lunch
3oz. chicken (3 blocks protein)
1 1/2 cup Broccoli  (1 block carbs)
1 cup green beans (1 block carbs)
1/2 cup salsa (1 block carbs)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)
Water



Dinner
3 oz. Turkey burger (3 blocks protein)
1 1/2 cup Broccoli  (1 block carbs)
12 Asparagus (1 block carbs)
1 cup green beans (1 block carbs)
1 1/2 tsp. peanut butter (3 blocks fat)
Water







Protein              Carbs              Fat
    11                    11                    11

Improvement...

For time: 10:51

30 Thrusters, 35 lbs
9 Rope Progressions, 15 ft
20 Thrusters, 35 lbs
6 Rope Progressions, 15 ft
10 Thrusters, 35 lbs
3 Rope Progressions, 15 ft

I did this 5 months ago and I'm not even sure if I was able to pull myself up off the ground with those rope progressions back then but I can now.  And the best part of all is I improved my time by 5 minutes and 36 seconds. 

I enjoy seeing my times in comparison to before and seeing how much I've improved.  I don't ever have a desire to beat anyone else's time but I do enjoy beating a previous time of my own.  That to me is the best feeling of satisfaction I can ever have.  

Day 9

Breakfast
Protein Shake with 3/4 scoop, water and 2 cups strawberries (1 block protein and 2 blocks carb)
2 eggs (2 blocks protein)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)





Snack
2oz. chicken salad (2 blocks protein)
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water


Lunch
3oz. chicken salad (3 blocks protein)
1 1/2 cup Broccoli  (1 block carbs)
1 cup green beans (1 block carbs)
1/2 cup Mushrooms and Onions (1 block carbs)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)
Water



Snack
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water



Dinner
3 oz. Turkey (3 blocks protein)
1 1/2 cup Broccoli  (1 block carbs)
1/2 cup Mushrooms and Onions (1 block carbs)
1 cup green beans (1 block carbs)
1 1/2 tsp. peanut butter (3 blocks fat)
Water







Protein              Carbs              Fat
    11                    12                    13

Lost Confidence...Time to Suck it Up

Front squat  5×3  85% - 85lbs.

Complete as many rounds as possible in 15 mins of: 7 Rounds + 10 Wall Balls

10 Wall Balls, 8 lbs
10 Toes To Bars
10 Box Jumps, 8 in

This was hard as heck!  I lost my confidence somewhere around those front squats.  There are just certain lifts I can't do the weight.  I should have just left my bar with 10's on them instead of adding 15's on top of the 10's.  When that box got flipped lower I went into panic mode.  Just that little bit of difference in height freaked me out.  Squatting that low to me is just like squatting to the floor.  But I think it's time to suck it up and start squatting lower and fain that confidence back that I lost tonight!

Day 8

Breakfast
Protein Shake with 3/4 scoop, water and 2 cups strawberries (1 block protein and 2 blocks carb)
2 eggs (2 blocks protein)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)





Snack
2oz. chicken salad (2 blocks protein)
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water


Lunch
3oz. chicken salad (3 blocks protein)
1 cup tomatoes (1 block carb)
1/2 cup blackeyed peas (1 block carbs)
1.2 cup salsa (1 block carbs)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)
Water



Snack
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water



Dinner
3 oz. hamburger patty (3 blocks protein)
1 1/2 cup Broccoli  (1 block carbs)
1/2 cup salsa (1 block carbs)
1 cup green beans (1 block carbs)
1 1/2 tsp. peanut butter (3 blocks fat)
Water







Protein              Carbs              Fat
    11                    12                    13

Out of Breath

5×3  clean (power or squat) 85% - 85lbs.

Complete as many rounds as possible in 20 mins of: 13 Rounds and 3 Thrusters

• 5 Thrusters, 35 lbs
• 7 Hang Power Cleans, 35 lbs
• 10 Sumo Deadlift High Pulls, 35 lbs.

I really don't know if I got the hang of that power clean. 

I guess the coach is happy I finally sat back on my heels and fell over ;-).  The harder I tried not to and wanted to stand up I lost the battle.  I remember trying to catch myself and the next thing I knew I was on the floor on my back - LOL!  I don't think that was the ultimate goal as I think I'm supposed to balance myself on my heels.  Just keep trying! 

What I do know is I was out of breath once I done.  I was told to get 11 rounds and when I saw that number I wanted 12 and then some. 

Day 7

Breakfast
Protein Shake with 3/4 scoop, water and 2 cups strawberries (1 block protein and 2 blocks carb)
2 eggs (2 blocks protein)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)





Snack
2oz. chicken salad (2 blocks protein)
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water


Lunch
3oz. chicken salad (3 blocks protein)
1 cup tomatoes (1 block carb)
1 cup grapes (2 block carbs)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)
Water



Snack
2oz. chicken salad (2 blocks protein)
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water



Dinner
3 oz. chicken salad (2 blocks protein)
1 cup Broccoli  (1 block carbs)
1/2 cup mushrooms and onions (1 block carbs)
1 cups green beans (1 block carbs)
1 1/2 tsp. peanut butter (3 blocks fat)
Water







Protein              Carbs              Fat
    13                    12                    13

Tabata

Tabata Row (calories) ,Rest 1 min - 4
Tabata Air Squat Rest 1 min - 10
Tabata Pull-up Rest 1 min - 12
Tabata Push-up Rest 1 min - 6
Tabata Sit-up (abmat) - 7
The Tabata interval is 20 secs of work followed by 10 secs of rest for 8 intervals. Tabata score is the lowest reps performed in any of the intervals.


Total - 39


This is harder than it looks.  I think the squats are harder using a pole than a box.  Might have to try it out using both at the same time. 

Day 6

Breakfast
Protein Shake with 1 scoop, water and 2 cups strawberries (1 block protein and 2 blocks carb)
2 eggs (2 blocks protein)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)



Snack
2oz. turkey (2 blocks protein)
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water


Lunch
3oz. chicken (3 blocks protein)
Green Beans (1 block carb)
1/2 cup grapes (1 block carbs)
9 Almonds (3 blocks fat)
Water



Snack
2oz. chicken (2 blocks protein)
1 cup grapes (2 blocks carbs)
6 Almonds (2 blocks fat)
Water



Dinner
2oz. chicken (2 blocks protein)
1 Hard boiled egg (1 block protein)
1 1/2 cups Broccoli  (1 block carbs)
2 cups green beans (2 block carbs)
1 1/2 tsp. peanut butter (3 blocks fat)
Water





Protein              Carbs              Fat
    13                    11                    13