Finding the Hope

The start of a new day and new year.   I made 1 very big change last year and that was wanting to lose weight and I learned that I could also get healthy in the process.  It's been a tough battle. 

It all started out great and the weight came off quickly in the beginning almost like I didn't even have to try to eat healthy as long as I worked out.  That lasted all of about 6 months.  Then that thing called a plateau happened and I didn't lose weight and then I gained weight.  The next 3 months were hell.  I wanted to give up and quit.  Each month got harder and tougher to walk into the gym.  I wasn't the best at eating right and would frequently eat things I didn't need to be eating.  In October I started keeping track of my food since September was the beginning of the plateau.  Then came November, and there was weight gain.  I was told it was muscle weight since I didn't lose any body fat.  I bought that excuse for all of about 2 days.  I kept logging my food everyday and looking back to see where I went wrong.  Then came November's weigh in leading into December and still in this plateau hell.  This made 3 months of no improvements.  I was done!  I decided then that if I didn't see any improvement in December I was done with CrossFit.  Each month I had gotten better at eating right and less and less cheat meals and kept up with exercising 5-6 days a week.  I was going nowhere.  I wasn't getting any faster with the movements.  I was beyond exhausted with trying. 

So here comes and goes Dec. and I've only lost a few pounds.  I've made changes such as eliminating milk and only had 3 cheat meals the entire month and even those weren't too terrible.  I keep going into the gym and giving it all I have but still that doesn't seem to be enough.  I try not to stop during the WOD's but sometimes I can't even catch my breath even on the rower.  I think people who don't have weight to lose don't understand how hard it is to keep a fast pace no matter how hard I try.  They just don't understand because they haven't been there. 

While I'm happy with the accomplishments I've made I'm disappointed that I didn't do better this past year.  I feel like I'm never going to get it right or it's ever going to be good enough.  Every time before I walk into the gym I always say a prayer that I can do what is on the board.  Then I walk in and the fear sets in.  What used to be fun isn't anymore.  I used to ask questions but now that's turned to fear of being teased that I should know already how to do everything.  And I probably should but I don't. 

I know something has to change whether it's the workouts, the food or something else for me to continue on this path.  Some days I feel like I have support for getting myself into the gym.  Other days I feel defeated before I ever walk in the door.  I know I want to get better and faster and stronger and right now that's the only thing keeping me walking in the gym doors.  But I feel that drive fading and it scares me. 

I love CrossFit and the community it brings.  But for me personally, I want more results.  I just don't know how to get them.  I know I'm trying!  So for January, I'm sticking strictly to the food plan and  going to step up how many times I'm out there walking/jogging until I can get to a run in addition to working out.  I don't think backing off the exercise is the right decision.  I'm digging deep for all the motivation I can find and keep going for now.  I want this even through all the frustration, hurt and disappointments.  This is for ME and nobody else!!!  Well, maybe my fur babies ;-)