Struggling and Searching

Find 1 rep max snatch

Then…

 Buy-in = 30 burpees. Clock starts on the first burpee.

Then as many rounds as possible in 12 mins of:

10 Medicine Ball Cleans
50 ft Sprint
10 Box Jumps (24/20)
50 ft Sprint

 

4 Rounds and 5 Medicine Ball Cleans

 

 

Have I said lately how much I hate lifting weights???  If not, let me remind myself that I suck at lifts.  It seems the harder I try and more focused I stay I just can't get it.  Problem is I really do want to learn how to do these lifts correctly. 

 

Could I get any more confused on those medicine ball cleans??? 

 

So, the chat tonight was about me just being happy and go with it.  For the most part I am happy if you don't count all that lovely stress that comes with life with home and work. 

 

But 9 months ago I made a decision and commitment to myself I would finally lose this weight and in that process I learned I could actually be healthy and achieve all those goals I want so desperately.  For the first time I saw that my dream could become a reality.  Then these last 3 months hit and everything quickly crumbled.  I saw all those dreams fading.  With no improvements anywhere from weight to exercises in the gym I've gradually watched what once a reality become fiction yet again.  I've been grasping at straws to find ways to get motivated and stay in the game.  Some times they work briefly and sometimes when I verbalize them they become something that never happens. 

 

I want to be healthy!  I've tried to follow the nutrition plan but now I'm thinking it's not a good idea.  Maybe I need to go back to eating what I want and when I want and just hope I make the right choices.  Then I find myself being afraid of being in control of my food because that's what has gotten me to where I am now in needing to lose weight.  I don't have the confidence in myself not to overeat because I have learned I am an emotional eater to the point of either not eating at all or eating the wrong foods.  If I have a list to go by I feel like that list is in control and is keeping an eye on what I eat an holding me accountable.  I tried doing the calorie counting thing and think I should just quit looking at that (and it's only been 3 days).  That thing has gotten me even more discouraged.  Definitely not one of my best decisions but then again I made that decision on my own and look where it got me...UGH!!!

 

I guess one of the things I'd like to change about me is when I want to achieve a specific goal I obsess over it. 

 

I also know if I take over control of my food choices the first thing I'll quit eating is protein.  It is so hard for me to eat meat and such a struggle.  But somewhere along these last 9 months I've learned protein is an important part of eating right. 

 

I finally got to drinking a gallon of water a day and learned that the fruit I put in it isn't good for me due to the sugars in the fruit.  I never even thought about that and thought all along it was a good thing to have the fruit in it.  But hopefully, now that I've started drinking a gallon a day I can take the fruit out. 

 

Even as frustrated as I am and feeling like I'm lost in this maze called life and exercise I'm going to try to find my way out one day and release all this stress.  But for now, I don't know if I'm coming or going.  One minute I want to give up and quit and the next minute I know I would regret that decision and always look back at where I could be and could've gone had I stuck with it if I do quit. 

I had some personal goals I never shared with anyone that I wanted to hit by the end of this year.  I really wanted to be halfway to my goal for starters.  I wanted to be able to do squats without help of a target of any kind.  I wanted to overcome my fear of heights and start getting used to climbing on that big box.  I wanted to set those boxes up sometime in steps like one of the coaches did for me once and be able to walk back and forth on it without being scared or needing anyone to hold my hand.   I wanted to be strong enough to do banded pull ups.  I wanted to be able to schedule some of those goals I have planned to do such as zip lining, driving a race car around the track.  I just wanted the confidence that I could do these things and more along with anything else I set my mind to doing.  For all that for me it would be nice to look in that mirror and see 75lbs. gone. 

With all that being said my hope is I can reach deep down inside and find that person that was once all excited about accomplishing something new called CrossFit.  I know she is hidden away somewhere it's just time for her to come out and play again!

 

Hope my head is clearer in the morning.